Thoughts of the Past - VI

“So what did you decide finally?” – asked Ryan looking towards Aditi.

Aditi sat still. She did not answer his question. But her pretence to ignore the question was not compelling enough for Ryan. He did not stop being adamant about it.

Finally she muttered “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean by you don’t know. You cannot just leave things this way. You have had enough of people deciding what you should do and what you should not. Aditi, life is what we decide it to be and not what we let situations and circumstances turn it into.”

“Ryan…I am tired of everything. And to be frank, I don’t really need you to lecture me on life and stuffs right now.”

“I can understand Aditi and I know what you have been through but I cannot leave you like this. I think you should forget…”

“Forget???...Whom Ryan… Whom? How many times should I resort to this word? I had hardly forgotten Anand when Vishal entered my life. It’s not easy to forget someone Ryan. Anand was my love and it was not easy to let go of him. Marriage was a misnomer for me. Every time Vishal touched me, I wanted Anand to be there instead. I avoided him and he respected it. Marriage was hell Ryan…it was a complete hell and most importantly, I was punishing someone who wasn’t even remotely responsible for the things that happened to me. Vishal was a nice guy and I was hurting him for trying to be a good husband. But with time, I learnt to love him. And the feeling was not under any compulsion. I actually started loving him. I had imagined growing old with him but my wish was never in the wish list of my fate. Vishal seems to be a figment of my reality now. No matter how much I move on, I  do not really think that one can ever forget someone whom he/she has loved even for one single day of his/her life. The worst part is it I don’t even know what I did to deserve losing the two persons I had loved in my life.”

 Ryan was silent. He did not know what to say. He had two failed relationships within a year and he did not care for either. In his quest for the right person, he broke up twice and now he did not believe in the whole idea of falling in love. He had directed his entire attention to his career and was doing well in his job. Ryan was not in contact with any of his friends after Aditi’s marriage. His first break up was a sudden one and within one month of his graduating from college. The differences between them were too much to try working on them. His second relationship lasted for more than eight months but eventually they broke up owing to a difference in opinion between both of them regarding marriage. Ryan was still confused if she was the right person to be his wife. Somewhere he felt a link missing between them. He confessed it to her and the relationship ended. Ryan was not penitent either. At the age of 24, he wondered about how people could take decisions about commitment and marriage from such an early age. Clearly, Aditi’s words made no sense to him.

He asked Aditi “How can you be so sure of love Aditi. Love to me is just a habit to stay confined within your comfort zone and sometimes, you are so well settled there that you give it the name of commitment. Very few people have the guts to break this habit because you just don’t want to come out of your comfort zone, even when you know there is someone else out there with whom you can have a better life with. Falling in Love is not absolute. It is always relative. It takes a life time to find the person you are actually compatible with. You got to meet many people to decide whom you actually want to spend your life with. You cannot possibly dare to think that losing two people whom you thought you were in love with would bring an end to this precious life of yours. You are not born just to fall in love or be married to somebody. You definitely have a better purpose in life.”

Aditi retorted “It doesn’t always have to be a life time to know who you are in love with Ryan. While waiting for the right person, you may actually lose someone who could have been yours to someone else. You can never compare people because everyone is different. Love may be a habit but definitely a good one and I don’t want to break it. And there never is a better purpose in life as compared to sharing your life with someone you love because without it, everything else doesn’t matter.”

There was pin drop silence after this and neither of them spoke for the next few minutes.

Finally Ryan said “I don’t think there is any point discussing it Aditi. Let me drop you at home.”

“Ryan...I always wanted to ask you something…why you never proposed Rya.”- asked Aditi and looked up at Ryan.

Ryan answered “I did not want to lose her…ever.”

“Lose her???Are you even in contact with her? And what made you think that she would say a NO to you?”

“She would not. I always knew that she loved me.”

“What! You knew it? And you still did not? Don’t tell me that you never loved her. Every one of us knew that you did.”

 “May be I did. But love always carries with it the risk of a break up. You can always come back to a friend but never to your love. I respect Rya more than I love her.” -  said Ryan and smiled at Aditi.

“You know what…you are a hypocrite and the biggest coward I have ever come across. And I am happy that Rya is not with you. She definitely deserves someone better than you.”

Aditi walked away.

“I know” said Ryan and stood with the most enigmatic expression on his face.

He knew what he had been through. On the fresher’s night itself, he had fallen in for Rya. He always wore a mask of indifference towards her to avoid losing her. Ryan had thought of proposing Rya in the final year but Aditi’s and Anand’s break up deterred him from doing so. Moreover, he never wanted Rya to stay back in India because of him. He brushed aside the idea of ever confessing his feelings to her. He had known Rya well enough to understand that she too wanted to be with him. But he had decided against it. After college, he had written a few mails to Rya but he never got a reply for any. He never wanted to lose her as a friend but eventually he did. And he still did not regret his decision. He wanted to take safe decisions with the right persons in his life.

One week later

My dear Aditi,

I don’t know where you are or how you are. I tried reaching you on your number which Anand gave me but it says that it is temporarily out of service. I have been trying to reach you ever since. Anand told me everything. I am so sorry for you. I don’t know what to say to you but please do take care of yourself. I am always with you. If you find it possible on your part to talk to me, I am just a call away.

Love,

Rya.

(To be continued...)