Thoughts of the Past - XII

Rya got married to Rishabh. The newlywed couple had decided to spend one month in India before leaving for States where both of them had their jobs. Aditi and Anand were a part of the celebration. Aditi did not bring up Ryan's topic in front of Rya. They did not know if Ryan was invited to the marriage or even knew about it. Ryan was a frequent visitor to their house but they never discussed Rya. Occasionally when Ryan used to get drunk heavily, he cursed himself. He had not been involved with anyone since last winter. He had not been performing well at his job either. He had got two demotions in consecutive appraisals. He looked prematurely old. He had tried hard to forget Rya and had deleted every other memory of her which he had with him except for the one photo which featured both of them while at college. She looked immensely cute in that. In solitude, this lone photo was his best friend. Ryan would stare at it endlessly and then smile before putting it back in his wallet.

After marriage, Rya had very less time to spend with Aditi and Anand. She was busy with her new family and family members. She had met Aditi only at the wedding. She wanted to meet her before leaving India. Rishabh had a lot of work and so he was unable to accompany Rya to Aditi's place. Rya went alone. Aditi was happy to see her friend at her door. Rya looked beautiful. Her face had that enviable marital glow. Rya hugged her. She had two days with her to spend at Aditi’s. Rya always felt good with Aditi beside her.

“So you are never going to come back to India?” – asked Aditi.

“As of now, we do not have any such plans. May be in future, we will rethink.” – said Rya

.

“What about Uncle and Auntie? How are they doing?”

“They have become masters in that art Aditi. Nowadays I do not even think of it. If they are at peace with their lives, I do not have a problem with that. After all, we all have had compromised in our lives at some point of life or the other Aditi” – said Rya and stood up and went near the window. She stared at the sky.

“Are you not happy with your marriage Rya?”

“Were you not happy with Vishal?” – said Rya.

“It was different Rya. I had nothing in my hands. I was a puppet in the hands of fate. I always tried doing my duty – as someone’s daughter, as someone’s love, as someone’s wife, as someone’s widow and finally when I was tired of living for others, I lived for myself.”

“But what did you do to yourself? To Ryan? To Rishabh? “– continued Aditi.

“You had to take your own decision Rya and why do u term it a compromise now?”

Rya looked back at Aditi and smiled.

“You cannot afford to be morally wrong while taking a decision for three lives Aditi. I would have been glad had I had an ethically corrupt conscience. None of us were wrong in what we went through. If I look back at it now, the only two people who could have been wrong are definitely Ryan and me-for the time frames when we confessed our feelings for each other. But why would I punish Rishabh for this? I did not have the strength to do it Aditi. I can live an entire life without the person I still think of but I will not be able to survive a day without feeling guilty for the person who has loved me so sincerely.”

Aditi was silent. She knew even she would do it. She hugged Rya and cried.

“Rishabh is a nice guy Aditi. I do love him but I cannot escape Ryan’s memories and that is the reason why I do not want to come back to India right now. It has not been easy for me – ever” – said Rya and hugged Aditi tightly.

Rya spent her two days at Aditi’s nicely. The two friends did not discuss anything serious after that eventful conversation on the first day. Anand used to join them over lunches and dinners. Aditi surprised Rya with her plans of having a baby within a year. Rishabh had come to take Rya with him. They were flying back in a week’s time.

It was time to bid bye to her friends. Rya was doing her final packing before leaving Aditi’s. Anand had taken Rishabh with him to show the place around. Aditi was in the kitchen preparing tea. The door bell rang. Aditi asked Rya to open the door because she was busy. Rya opened the door. It was the milkman. She received the milk pack and was about to close the door when she noticed that familiar face at the gate. It took her a moment to realize that it was Ryan. He looked awful. He stared at her without his eyes blinking even for a second. He stood perplexed. Rya could not take her eyes off him either. A million of emotions surged past her mind. Neither of them walked towards each other or away from each other. It seemed they had a lot to say to each other but they did not speak to each other. The distance between them was so less yet they were so far. Ryan took out his phone and captured that final memory of Rya in his camera lens forever. He smiled at Rya and left. Rya stood still. She knew she was not going to see Ryan for an indefinite period of time. That chapter of her life had been closed.

(To be Continued...)  

Thoughts of the Past - XI

Rishabh and Rya had met at the University library.

It wasn't love at first sight for either of them. Rishabh was the kind of guy whom every girl/girl's parents would approve of. He was decent, intelligent, unassuming and perfectly successful in life. Though he had a huge friend circle, he never had any interest in any girl. He liked Rya's perspective on things. At the library, they both had met over the same book " We-The Living". But since there was only one copy left, both of them came to a mutual agreement. The person who could justify Kira's stand could take the novel with him/her. Intellectually, both of them were amazing analysts. After three long hours of vehement discussion, they could not come to a conclusion still. Finally, Rishabh offered Rya to have the novel. Rya took it, kept it back on the shelf and then smiled back at him while leaving the library. That night, she received a friendship request on Facebook. She accepted. Facebook chats gave away to exchanging of gmail ids and then to phone numbers. Relationship status changed from "Single" to "It's Complicated" and then to "In a Relationship". Their relationship assured them of sleepless nights but also of dreamy days. It was a decision taken by mature minds and they meant it letter by letter. This winter, they had come to India to give their relationship a new meaning. Rishabh's parents liked Rya instantly and Rishabh was a definite winner at Rya's home. The wedding was supposed to take place this winter itself but Rya wanted to finish her PhD before getting married. Rishabh respected her decision and everyone agreed to have it next year. 

Rya had decided to move on and never look back at Ryan or anything related to him after Rishabh happened to her. She was pretty successful at that except for lonely nights when Ryan's memories haunted her.She did not know why it happened to her. She had all the reasons to love Rishabh and hate Ryan. But she had no control over her subconscious. Rishabh was the best thing that had happened to her. He loved her effortlessly and he was everything that Ryan wasn't to her. Two years helped her to forget Ryan consciously but this winter spoiled it all. She did not want that confession from him. She did not want him in her life.

After leaving India, she did not write to anyone in India for a long time. Rishabh did not understand the change in her either. She was indifferent to him at times and took refuge in the stress of the Phd course as her excuse. She did not say anything to anyone. Rishabh wasn't too naive for all this. He knew about Ryan. He waited for a considerable point of time for Rya to come back to her usual self. But sensing her emotional confused self, he asked her to reconsider their relationship. She did not tell anything to him. She just looked at him and saw the most calm expression on his face ever.

Aditi received a mail from Rya after about eleven months. She read it. She was silent. She forwarded it to Anand. She did not know if Ryan should know it from her or from Rya herself. She knew Rya was right this time but she did not want her to be right. Some relationships were bound to fail, and destiny ensured it. Having seen the worse part of it herself, she just shed a tear as she closed her Inbox. 

The subject of the first mail read "Our Wedding Invitation" and it was signed by Rya and Rishabh.

(To be Continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - X

15 minutes had past and not a single word had been spoken. For years, Ryan was not close to Rya either geographically or emotionally but all of a sudden, she seemed to be far far away from him. His right on her no longer seemed justified. He had never felt this hollowness before. In his run for friendship, he lost love. There were many things he wished to undo now but he just could not. With time, relationships change but he did not wish this to happen. The thought of seeing Rya with someone else tortured him. Rya was not any other girl. He had been in love with her for the past eight years. It was difficult to forget each and every memory of her. The pangs of loneliness killed him.

She did not anticipate this. She had taken a long time to move on and she was still not sure if she was completely over him. In front of her sat the guy whom she had loved profoundly,for years.He was her first love. Had this particular day happened a few years before, she would have been the happiest person but today, she did not know if it happened for good or bad.She wanted to hit him hard. She knew she belonged to someone else now. She was happy. She did not want all of this. To love someone and then be loved back was the best that could happen to anyone but when time frames are different, it is hell. She wished Ryan never told her.She loved someone else too.She hated Ryan for being a coward. She hated him for his mask of lies. She had many questions to ask Ryan but right now,only one seemed worthy. She liked the way Ryan kept looking at her when she did not look at him since college, but today, it seemed uncomfortable. She broke the silence finally.

"What took you so many years?"

"I don't know but does it really matter ?" - said Ryan.

" Yes it does. You have hurt me Ryan, not once but twice. I don't think you have the right to do this to me. It was not easy to forget you and now when I have, you don't let me to."

"You think its easy for me? Rya, I did not want to lose you as a friend. I was afraid. You have been the only one for me all these years. Had I known that there was someone else in your life, I would not have  come back to you.Forgive me for this but I have loved you too much to hurt you - even in my dreams."

"You are a coward Ryan and I am so glad I am not with you." - said Rya with disgust and stood up to leave.

" One final question Rya" - said Ryan and looked towards Rya expectantly.Rya looked back.

"Are you over me?May be we can work this out - together".

"I don't want to Ryan. Not because someone else loves me but because even I do."

Rya left.

Ryan was blank.The world didn't seem a friendly place.He wanted to run away from everyone. He had fallen in love with solitude instantly.He did not want to meet anyone. He missed Rya badly. He wanted to escape from everyone.He realized what he had lost only after he did.

***************************************************************************

Aditi and Anand's Marriage Ceremony

They tied the knot. Aditi and Anand were formally husband and wife. Legalizing a relationship had a beautiful meaning. They looked happy, after years. It was not just any happiness. There was a sense of accomplishment which nothing could replace.Rya and Ryan were also present but as two strangers who had never met before. Occasionally their eyes met but it was unnerving. Rya tried to avoid Ryan but he did not want to. He wanted to confront her and he knew not why. He still wanted to believe that she would come back to him. Illusions were projections of what we want to happen and Ryan wanted to drown himself in it.

The next day, Rya left for airport.Rya did not tell Aditi anything about Ryan. She did not want to spoil her best day.Aditi and Anand accompanied her to the airport.Aditi hugged her and wished her good luck.At the final call of departure, Rya looked towards Aditi and said "Take care of Ryan. He needs you and Anand".She had tears in her eyes when she said this but before anyone could ask her anything, she left and never looked back.

Aditi and Anand did not understand it but as they came out of the airport, they found Ryan standing outside, lost and forlorn.Suddenly everything seemed crystal clear.

"Come. Let's go" - said Anand and took Ryan along with them as they left the airport.

(To be continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - IX

Anand and Aditi finally decided to tie the knot.In a week's time from now, they had planned their wedding to be. Aditi did not want to tell her parents about it but on Rya's insistence, she told them. Rya was flying back to the States the day after Aditi's marriage. She spent only one week at her home and things had not changed between her parents even by the slightest measure. They had settled perfectly in their imperfect lives. She spent most of her vacation at Aditi's. She did not meet Ryan after that day. Aditi tried raising the topic once but sensing Rya's discomfort, she left it. They never talked about it again. 

Rya was staying with Aditi for the whole week prior to the marriage and she had her flight from there itself. One fine evening while Aditi and she were having their tea, the phone bell rang. Aditi picked it up.

"Hello" - said Aditi and after a second turned towards Rya and said "It is for you".

Rya looked surprised and took the receiver from Aditi.

"Hello" - said Rya.

"Hi."

There was a long pause of silence.

"I don't really ..." - continued Rya.

"I want to meet you Rya.Can you come to the Trent Cafe near the Z Square at 5 o' clock tomorrow evening?"

"Why?" - asked Rya.

"I will tell you there."

"Ryan...I don't want to..." - continued Rya but was cut short by Ryan.

"I will wait for you" and he hung up.

Rya kept the receiver down and looked perplexed. She kept thinking and on turning back found Aditi staring at her. 

"I think you should meet him" - said Aditi and went.

@Trent Cafe

It was 35  minutes past 5 o' clock. Ryan waited for Rya. He already had two cups of coffee but he still believed that Rya would come. He had been waiting for this moment since the day he met her at Aditi's place. He did not know what to say to her but he knew that he wanted to see her.He had always missed Rya but never so badly. Sometimes someone's absence becomes so permanent that his/her presence becomes disturbing and makes you badly miss him/her even when you know that he/she is just a kilometres away. He was so much lost in the thoughts of the past that he did not notice the familiar silhouette coming towards him.

"You should not have worn this shirt."

"Hey hi...I did not see you coming.I thought you would not come but I felt you would." - smiled Ryan.

"Your thoughts were justified"- said Rya and sat down.

Ryan smiled and said " What's wrong with my shirt?"

"You know it very well Ryan."

"Rya...I do not know why you hate me so much but I am sure of it. I have always tried to see you happy and I have also tried to be in touch with you always. At times I try figuring out what could have driven you mad at me but I fail to see enough reason behind it.The reason why I wanted to see you today is to know the reason behind this feeling of yours."

Rya looked at Ryan and did not say anything.Her eyes looked wildly calm and her face was dangerously serene.

Ryan continued  "You were my best friend in college and you did not even feel it necessary to tell me that you were leaving for your MS. I wrote you consistently but you never replied me back. You came to India after four years and you did not even tell me. I cannot ever possibly tell you how glad I was to see you that day but I was not sure if you felt the same. I agree I did not tell you about my feelings for someone else but does it justify the way you have been punishing me since then?"

Rya still sat silent.

"Rya. You mean a lot to me. I can never tell you the extent I have gone to protect our friendship. I did not want to see a day like this.I want an answer from you today or at least a reason justifying it." -  said Ryan and looked expectantly towards Rya.

Rya finally broke her vow of silence.

"You know Ryan, this is precisely the same question which I have been asking to myself for the past four years. And you would be surprised to know that I found out the answer only yesterday night. I always thought or may be I liked to think that the reason was your secrecy of feelings for that girl but it was not. Why would I possibly be still angry at you and not even want to talk to you. You did not say any of us and all of us should have reacted the same way. Why did I feel different? I would not like to believe that I felt so because I was your best friend. Aditi has not said many things to me but I am not angry at her and she is still my best friend. It is good that we met today because even though I never meant to say you this but yesterday night, I felt I should."

Rya took a pause and looked at Ryan who was looking at her with the same eyes as that evening 7 years before when they met at the park.

"I loved you" - said Rya.

Ryan did not know what to say. He was spellbound. He knew this since the inception of it but listening to it from her lips was different. It felt so amazing. At that moment, he wanted to say that even he did - perhaps much much before than when she felt but he did not want to stop Rya from saying what she wanted to. He kept silent.

Rya continued "Ryan, I always hated the idea of falling in for a person like you especially after that fresher's night. But I could not. Something inside me always kept getting attracted towards you. I have always been selfish in my friendship with you because I always wanted you to reciprocate my feelings back. I did not know this consciously but if you ask me today, yes I must have wanted it. As always, falling in love ruined our friendship Ryan and today I am here not because you asked me to, but because I felt I should apologize to you for what I did to us.I am sorry and I mean this from the bottom of my heart."

Ryan did not see this coming but he definitely felt happy at the prospect of getting Rya back in his life. He did not want Rya to apologize for anything but the fact that Rya was talking to him comforted him.He smiled back at Rya and hugged her.

They ordered two cappuccinos and started talking about their respective lives since they left college.

Talking to Rya reminded him of the better days of the past. It felt so great. He felt the missing link getting complete.After years, he knew he was happy.He wondered what held him back from declaring his feelings for Rya. She was the perfect one for him. He felt his logic was at fault because if spending one hour with this person felt so wonderful, spending an entire lifetime would be stunning.He had been tired of pursuing the wrong persons and Aditi's and Anand's marriage had instilled in him the confidence to confess his feelings for Rya. He felt this was the right moment for it. He knew that he was ready for it.

"Rya...I want to say something to you." - said Ryan.

"Go on Ryan."

"I love you too." -  said Ryan.

Rya was befuddled. She had the weirdest expression on her face. She was emotionally dumb.

Ryan continued "Infact, I have been in love with you for the past eight years Rya. I was never courageous enough to confess it to you. I thought I would lose you. But despite that, I lost you and today when I have found you, I do not want to lose you again. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me Rya. I don't believe I am doing this but will you marry me?"

Ryan looked at Rya with the eyes of a batsman who was scoring the winning sixer. He was one word away from his moment of euphoria. He so badly wanted it to be a Yes.

" I am in a relationship for the past two years Ryan" -  said Rya and had the same expression which Ryan had a few years before.

(To be continued...)

An Apology

(Perhaps you were expecting the continuation of the story which I have been writing for the past few months. Well, it takes a certain mood to write fiction and presently I do not think I could do justice to the plot if I attempted to write it. So I refrained myself from doing so. I am genuinely sorry for the delay. I promise to come up with it very soon though.)

The evening today was wildly romantic and the night alarmingly beautiful.I had no plans of writing this post but insomnia ( which is rare for a person like me) forced me to.Accidentally, I came across a few old mails in my mail box which I hadn't read since college.I read them.It was a lovely experience. To tell you the truth,I was juvenile and a first class idiot( but in a sweet way).It is mind blowing when you realize your own idiocy without anyone else having to tell you about it.I had a hearty laugh and I made it a point to mention it to a few dear friends of mine too.However there were certain mails from some other friends too whom I could not call up.It is not the present which forbade me to but the past which held me back.I dedicate this impromptu post of mine to a friend out there whom I might have hurt - knowingly or unknowingly.

I must have been extremely arrogant to have written you that mail on a new year. I obviously have no reasons to defend me.I know how it feels when one stands on the shores of the sea - contemplating about it. It could have been a tempestuous odyssey or an awesome voyage. I have been there myself. But it gave me no right to trade my stand with that of yours.It must have been really difficult on your part to forgive me...may be you still have not. I just want to apologize you for each and everything that ever happened to you because of me. I know I cannot undo it but perhaps I can make myself feel better when I say that I did it because I knew - everything else was simply meant to be broken. 

PS: There never is one ship on the harbour but the sea is freaking lovely!