Thoughts of the Past - VIII

She kept looking at the card. She tried not to believe it but she had to. Anand was marrying in a week’s time and there was nothing which Aditi could think of to stop it. She did not understand why it bothered her. Anand did ask her to marry him but it was she who had denied it. She failed to understand herself. She did not know what to do. She knew that she needed to talk to someone. She did not know how to contact Rya. She felt helpless. She called up Ryan.

“Hello. Ryan here.”

“Hi…” – said Aditi in a choked manner.

“Aditi? … Aditi...is it you?”

“Ryan, can u come over to my place?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

***********************************************************************

Aditi opened the door and Ryan found her in tears.

“What’s the matter?”

“Anand is getting married.”

“Who told you?”

“This.”- said Aditi and showed the card.

“You opened my bag?” – cried Ryan.

“And you did not tell me about it?”

“Aditi. I had come to tell you about it. But Rya took my mind off it. I am so sorry.”

“He is getting married!!I can’t believe it.” – exclaimed Aditi.

“But why does it bother you? You did not want to marry him and if he wants to start his life anew, what’s wrong in it?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. I mean, it should not have bothered me at all but I don’t know why it makes me sad. Somewhere deep down my heart, I believed that Anand still loved me. To tell you the truth, I still haven’t forgotten him Ryan.”

“Why did you turn him down for marriage?

“I wanted him to ask me face to face. I did not want to marry someone who proposed me through a letter. I was adamant on it. I never told him a NO. I just did not reply to him. Having known me all these years, I thought he would understand me. It was my arrogance speaking but at the end of it, I lost him. I lost him Ryan...not just once but twice.” – sobbed Aditi.

“I think you should talk to him.”

“About what? What should I tell him Ryan? … That even after being married to someone else, having loved someone else and having been a widow of someone else, I still haven’t forgotten him?? Or should I tell him that his thoughts still comfort me?? Or should I tell him that I still like him the way I did 8 years before?? My heart may play truant but not my mind Ryan. I don’t want to complicate things now. He never came in between Vishal and me. I don’t want to ruin his life. I just can’t do it.”-  cried Aditi.

“Aditi. Just answer this. Do you still love him- YES or NO?”

“If every question had an answer in Yes/No, we would have a few words in the dictionaries Ryan.”

“Yes or a NO?”

“Ryan…you don’t understand. It doesn’t even matter.”

“Yes or a NO?”

“Yes. I do.” – said Aditi.

Ryan smiled and took hold of Aditi’s hands and dragged her away with him towards the car parked outside. He drove off.

***********************************************************************

They stopped in front of a house. Ryan got down and opened the door for Aditi.

“Where are we Ryan? Why did you get me here?” – asked Aditi with eyes of suspicion.

“It’s Anand’s house Aditi. He bought it just to stay close to you. He never came in front of you because he could not see you this way. He has always perceived you as the bubbly girl he knew at college. It pained him to see you like this. He doesn’t stay here always but whenever he gets time, he comes here just to see you. He is still very much in love with you Aditi. Trust me.”

“And the card?” – asked Aditi with an askance.

“It was fabricated by me. I knew you loved him still. I just had to elicit it out of you. Aditi, don’t let your ego come in between you. You deserve a better life dear.”

Aditi looked at Ryan and hugged him.

***********************************************************************

Ryan rang the door bell.

Anand opened it. He was dumb founded.

Ryan smiled looking at Anand and left.

Aditi and Anand kept looking at each other and neither of them spoke.

Finally Anand said, “Come inside. It’s cold outside.”

Aditi went inside and Anand locked the door from behind. They sat in the living room. They still did not know what to say. They sat for almost half an hour without saying a word and then finally Aditi got up.

“I think I should leave.” – said Aditi.

“You still haven’t replied to me Aditi.” – asked Anand.

“Reply to what?”

“To my letter.” – said Anand.

“If I say that I never got it…” – said Aditi and looked towards Anand.

“Then I must say that you still haven’t changed at all and I like you being this way.” – cried Anand.

Anand continued “Aditi, will you marry me?”

“Is it out of sympathy?” – asked Aditi with a smirk.

“No. It is because it has always been you for me. I have never thought a life without you Aditi. I want to grow old with you Aditi.”

Aditi had tears in her eyes and she ran towards Anand and hugged him.

“I hope it’s not a dream Anand. I love you and I do want to marry you.”

They looked at each other and shared the most passionate kiss ever.

(To be continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - VII

3 years later 

Aditi never replied to any of Rya’s mails. She had taken up the job of a lecturer at the engineering college where she studied. Her parents tried convincing her to come back home and start life afresh but she did not relent. She had a modest life within the college campus and Ryan was one of the few visitors whom she entertained. Occasionally Ryan took her out for dinners but nothing could bring back her smile. She would wear a constant expression on her face which was neither of joy nor of sorrow. She had become indifferent towards everything in life.

3 years had changed nothing in her life except for the fact that she had become more mature about it. At times she smiled when Ryan bantered with the waitresses on their regular Saturday night dinners. Ryan had always been with her all this time. He had 4 flings in the mean time and none of them lasted for more than a month. His affairs were never a secret to Aditi and after every break up, Ryan was always greeted with a smile from her. They never discussed how it was to be interpreted. Aditi never went out with any one though she was approached by many. According to her, she had her share of love and she did not want more of it. The past three years had brought Aditi and Ryan more close than they ever were. They understood each other perfectly except for the moments when they scanned through old photographs. There was always an awkward silence reigning. Aditi still did not understand Ryan’s point of view for Rya and Ryan never understood Aditi’s stand for Anand.

2 years before, Aditi had received a letter from Anand asking her to marry him. Aditi never replied him back too.

One day, while Aditi was buying her usual stock of groceries from a near by departmental store, she heard a familiar voice at the counter. The person was asking the cashier about some address. Aditi kept looking towards the counter. She knew that she knew this person but something in her held her back. She was standing…standing still and staring…waiting…waiting for something to happen. She did not want to hide. She did not want to run away. She did not want to shout either. She just wanted the person to look back. And finally it happened. There she was standing…her partner in every crime, her bench mate, her confidant and her best friend – Rya.

“Aditi!” – exclaimed Rya and came running towards her. They had the best hug ever.

“Where were you? How have you been? Why the hell did you never reply to my mails? Why why and why?????....I missed you so much!” – sobbed Rya.

Aditi replied “Let’s go home.”

They left the store for home.

***********************************************************************

Aditi and Rya sat on the sofa sipping tea and neither of them spoke for a long time.

Finally, Rya asked “Why did you never reply to my mails Aditi?”

“What would I reply?”- snapped Aditi.

“Anything Aditi. Anything. I wanted to talk to you.You could have given me your number. I would have called you. I wanted to be with you. “

“And how would that have mattered to me Rya. Fact is fact. I had to embrace reality and you, sitting thousands of kilometers away from me, could have done nothing to alleviate it. The most that you could have done is, may be write a few more mails asking me to move on in life, a few words of sympathy over a call etc etc. I did not need any of that Rya. I needed time…for the wounds to heal.” – said Aditi and smiled.

Rya did not what to say. She was blank. She managed to divert the topic and asked Aditi about how she had been all this while. They talked and talked for hours but Aditi did not mention Ryan to her…even for once. Rya was done with her Master’s and was now pursuing her PhD. She would be done with it by next year end. She had come to India for the first time since she left for US. She seemed pretty happy and upbeat about life.  

At this point of time,the door bell rang. Aditi went to open the door.

“Who is it Aditi?” – asked Rya when Aditi came back.

Ryan followed her.

Rya stood up on seeing him. In a moment, everything flashed back her mind. The fresher’s night, their friendship, the college days, the final year, the years thereafter…everything. Ryan had not changed at all. He still sported his rimless specs and had the same coiffure. He was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. The only difference was that now he had more grey hairs. To Ryan, Rya looked entirely different. She had become fair, elegant and attractive. For the first time, he found her beautiful. He had always been in love with her but never attracted to her so profoundly.

They stood for a long time amidst an odd silence. None of them dared break it. Rather, they found it comforting.

Finally Aditi spoke “Ryan, have a seat. I will get some snacks and a cup of coffee for you. Rya, do you want coffee?”

Rya did not answer. Aditi asked her again and she denied. Aditi left for the kitchen.

They had so much to say that they did know where to start and how to start. 4 years had passed by since they met for the last time.

“How are you?” – asked Ryan

“Fine.”

“Hmm. And your studies? In job?”

“No. I am doing my PhD. Hopefully I should be done with it by next year end.”- said Rya.

“Any plans of coming back to India?” – continued Ryan when he was cut short by Rya.

“Cut the crap Ryan. How does it even bother you? Do you still think we are friends?”

“I think we always were.”

“No. We never were. Think about it Ryan and then come back to me.”

Rya got up to leave. Ryan held her hand and asked her “One last question Rya, why did you never reply back to my mails?”

Rya looked back, freed her hand from his clutch and said “I did not think it to be necessary.”

And she left. Ryan stood speechless. He looked back and found Aditi standing. She went inside. He left.

Late at night, when Aditi was going to sleep, she found Ryan’s bag lying on the sofa. She picked it up and placed it on the side table near her bed. She was about to resume her novel when she thought of opening it. It was against her morals but something inside her kept pestering her to do so. Finally she gave in and opened the bag. There was a notebook, a pen and a jacket inside. Nothing extraordinary. She took out the notebook and opened it. The handwriting seemed familiar. She knew it. She had seen it somewhere. She remembered it finally. Rya had shown her the notes which she used to receive way back in college and this handwriting matched with that of it.

“So, it had always been Rya for him and he still doesn’t want to tell her about it.”-  thought Aditi.

She closed the notebook and was about to place it inside the bag when a card fell from it. It was a wedding card. She picked it up. A chill ran down her spine. One of the names was familiar.

It read “Anand weds Sangeeta”.

(To be continued…)

  

Thoughts of the Past - VI

“So what did you decide finally?” – asked Ryan looking towards Aditi.

Aditi sat still. She did not answer his question. But her pretence to ignore the question was not compelling enough for Ryan. He did not stop being adamant about it.

Finally she muttered “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean by you don’t know. You cannot just leave things this way. You have had enough of people deciding what you should do and what you should not. Aditi, life is what we decide it to be and not what we let situations and circumstances turn it into.”

“Ryan…I am tired of everything. And to be frank, I don’t really need you to lecture me on life and stuffs right now.”

“I can understand Aditi and I know what you have been through but I cannot leave you like this. I think you should forget…”

“Forget???...Whom Ryan… Whom? How many times should I resort to this word? I had hardly forgotten Anand when Vishal entered my life. It’s not easy to forget someone Ryan. Anand was my love and it was not easy to let go of him. Marriage was a misnomer for me. Every time Vishal touched me, I wanted Anand to be there instead. I avoided him and he respected it. Marriage was hell Ryan…it was a complete hell and most importantly, I was punishing someone who wasn’t even remotely responsible for the things that happened to me. Vishal was a nice guy and I was hurting him for trying to be a good husband. But with time, I learnt to love him. And the feeling was not under any compulsion. I actually started loving him. I had imagined growing old with him but my wish was never in the wish list of my fate. Vishal seems to be a figment of my reality now. No matter how much I move on, I  do not really think that one can ever forget someone whom he/she has loved even for one single day of his/her life. The worst part is it I don’t even know what I did to deserve losing the two persons I had loved in my life.”

 Ryan was silent. He did not know what to say. He had two failed relationships within a year and he did not care for either. In his quest for the right person, he broke up twice and now he did not believe in the whole idea of falling in love. He had directed his entire attention to his career and was doing well in his job. Ryan was not in contact with any of his friends after Aditi’s marriage. His first break up was a sudden one and within one month of his graduating from college. The differences between them were too much to try working on them. His second relationship lasted for more than eight months but eventually they broke up owing to a difference in opinion between both of them regarding marriage. Ryan was still confused if she was the right person to be his wife. Somewhere he felt a link missing between them. He confessed it to her and the relationship ended. Ryan was not penitent either. At the age of 24, he wondered about how people could take decisions about commitment and marriage from such an early age. Clearly, Aditi’s words made no sense to him.

He asked Aditi “How can you be so sure of love Aditi. Love to me is just a habit to stay confined within your comfort zone and sometimes, you are so well settled there that you give it the name of commitment. Very few people have the guts to break this habit because you just don’t want to come out of your comfort zone, even when you know there is someone else out there with whom you can have a better life with. Falling in Love is not absolute. It is always relative. It takes a life time to find the person you are actually compatible with. You got to meet many people to decide whom you actually want to spend your life with. You cannot possibly dare to think that losing two people whom you thought you were in love with would bring an end to this precious life of yours. You are not born just to fall in love or be married to somebody. You definitely have a better purpose in life.”

Aditi retorted “It doesn’t always have to be a life time to know who you are in love with Ryan. While waiting for the right person, you may actually lose someone who could have been yours to someone else. You can never compare people because everyone is different. Love may be a habit but definitely a good one and I don’t want to break it. And there never is a better purpose in life as compared to sharing your life with someone you love because without it, everything else doesn’t matter.”

There was pin drop silence after this and neither of them spoke for the next few minutes.

Finally Ryan said “I don’t think there is any point discussing it Aditi. Let me drop you at home.”

“Ryan...I always wanted to ask you something…why you never proposed Rya.”- asked Aditi and looked up at Ryan.

Ryan answered “I did not want to lose her…ever.”

“Lose her???Are you even in contact with her? And what made you think that she would say a NO to you?”

“She would not. I always knew that she loved me.”

“What! You knew it? And you still did not? Don’t tell me that you never loved her. Every one of us knew that you did.”

 “May be I did. But love always carries with it the risk of a break up. You can always come back to a friend but never to your love. I respect Rya more than I love her.” -  said Ryan and smiled at Aditi.

“You know what…you are a hypocrite and the biggest coward I have ever come across. And I am happy that Rya is not with you. She definitely deserves someone better than you.”

Aditi walked away.

“I know” said Ryan and stood with the most enigmatic expression on his face.

He knew what he had been through. On the fresher’s night itself, he had fallen in for Rya. He always wore a mask of indifference towards her to avoid losing her. Ryan had thought of proposing Rya in the final year but Aditi’s and Anand’s break up deterred him from doing so. Moreover, he never wanted Rya to stay back in India because of him. He brushed aside the idea of ever confessing his feelings to her. He had known Rya well enough to understand that she too wanted to be with him. But he had decided against it. After college, he had written a few mails to Rya but he never got a reply for any. He never wanted to lose her as a friend but eventually he did. And he still did not regret his decision. He wanted to take safe decisions with the right persons in his life.

One week later

My dear Aditi,

I don’t know where you are or how you are. I tried reaching you on your number which Anand gave me but it says that it is temporarily out of service. I have been trying to reach you ever since. Anand told me everything. I am so sorry for you. I don’t know what to say to you but please do take care of yourself. I am always with you. If you find it possible on your part to talk to me, I am just a call away.

Love,

Rya.

(To be continued...) 

Thoughts of the Past - V

Aditi,

I have no idea of how to start this mail. For the past few days, I had been thinking of writing to you but every time I realize how late it has been, I simply save it as a draft. Somehow I have gathered the courage to hit the submit button today...because I am badly missing you.This is going to be a heck of a mail and pardon my grammar because I am really not in a state to flaunt it. I just want you to listen to me..just like good old days.

Perhaps it is too late to congratulate you on your marriage, but I wish you both a happy married life. I did get your card while at home but intentionally avoided your calls.Trust me...I would have ruined your day.But now that I look back upon it, it feels so stupid. Anyway, I would love to talk about it when I call you but there is something else which I need to tell you.

Aditi...there was one thing which I never told you while at college.Do you remember how I scoffed off at the idea of falling in for anyone and mostly for Ryan. To tell you the truth, I was madly in love with him since then.

Initially I never accepted it but when I realized where exactly my feelings led to, it was difficult to turn back.I never told him about it because I felt somewhere in his heart, he too had feelings for me. I waited for him to tell me and my wait never ended.I loved him a lot Aditi and I still don't believe it. Ryan is not the type of guy I had dreamt to spend my life with. He doesn't fit into many of the criteria that I had set for my life partner but I still ended up feeling for him.It was a terrible feeling to feel for him and simultaneously discard the thought that I felt for him.I liked being with him and life was so easy with him.Being together seemed so permanent that I had never thought of trying to make it permanent. Not until Ryan told us about his commitment did I ever imagine that he could like someone else. Aditi...perhaps I can never tell you how difficult it is... to know ....that "someone you loved and lived for.... was feeling the same way... for someone else".What hurt me most was not that he did not reciprocate my feelings...but the fact that he never respected our friendship.I shared with him each and everything and he did not tell me the most important thing happening in his life.There have been days here when I have repented for not confessing my feelings to him...but now... precisely after one year...I do not feel the same.To have loved him was not a mistake but a blunder. Feeling for him was so involuntary but mending it is not. Its difficult to hate him but I really do want to.

Aditi,this would be the last time that I would be talking to you about Ryan.I do not want you to ever tell me where he is or how he is.I wrote this mail to you because I did not want to lose you or Anand because of all this.By the way, I forgot to tell you...Anand is here in States for a couple of months and he is coming over to my University next weekend.How has it been between you both and does Vishal know about it?Come to think about it, I think I should better give you a call this weekend. Mail me your number and convey my regards to Vishal.Talk to you soon!

- Rya

PS: I think I am fine :)

**********************************************************************************

After reading the mail, Aditi smiled to herself and switched on the TV. The door bell rang. It was Ryan.

"Ready?" - asked Ryan.

"Yes.Give me a minute". She went inside to get her purse.

On way,Ryan kept talking about something or the other but Aditi was lost in her thoughts. At times, years fly by and at times one year seems to be like an eon - thought Aditi. She did not mention Rya to Ryan. 

On reaching the reception desk of their destination, she was once again asked to fill up one of the numerous forms as a part of the hospital formalities. She could fill the details even in the dark.


Form

Name:    Aditi Sharma

Wife of:  Late Vishal Mehra

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(To be Continued...)