Early Morning Musings

It has been quite a long time since I didn't sleep through the night. One such night was yesterday. I had slight fever earlier in the evening. Thanks to my husband who got the medicines even late at night, I found some respite from the condescending cold and flu who love me way too much. But I woke up around 3 am and haven't been able to sleep after that. I dread this hour and to my luck, here I was wide awake. I thought of talking to my friends staying in the other side of the world. It would have been easy and comforting too but for some reason I chose not to. I started searching randomly scholarly articles over the net. Got bored of it and soon turned to Facebook for something interesting in other people's lives. I was further bored and irritated reading their judgments and opinions. Finally took to self-introspection and I found respite.

What was bothering me? Why was I unhappy despite having a good family, life partner, work, interests and few close friends? What was it that was paining me? Bothering me? I knew the answer deep down inside of me. Past few days at work had been very tough. I was doing my best at work and I was happy. Being the person I am, I self appraise myself and if I am happy, I knew there was nothing amiss. I had received my share of appreciation too and was building my way up the ladder. I was at my authentic best too.But there was something apart from this which I was experiencing for the first time. I could sense discontent amongst my team members for the path I had taken. They came wearing the mask of friendship and had begun to stab me from behind.I was not sure if its the insecurity or the politics of collaboration that was hurting me. I had begun to feel lonely. I wasn't used to this atmosphere. I always had genuine friends at workplace. I am used to the times when we as friends, together found our solace in venting out our frustration against our manager/supervisor. But here the case was different. I was experiencing to be in the shoes of someone else. For the first time I realised that work isn't everything in the corporate. It is just one aspect of the entire marathon.

I am not sure how I will cope with it. After about 3 hours of deep thought, I have decided to seek a professional mentor out of my company. I aspire many things but peace and happiness over throw everything else. One thing I learnt for sure. As and when I climb up the ladder, it becomes more imperative for me to study people, analyze them and ensure only a  few go through the night I have had today.

Thoughts of the Past - XVI

There were a thousand emotions running across her mind. It seemed history. He seemed to be a figment of her imagination now. Everything flashed across her eyes - the fresher's party, the college days, summer breaks, placements,Aditi's wedding etc etc. There were a thousand things which went unsaid between them. But whose fault was it? Did she want to blame him then or even now? They took a lot of decisions. Who knew what was right, what was wrong. They were just taken and it had brought them here today, at the cusp of taking yet another decision. She didn't want to meet him. For her, it was a chapter closed. Done and dusted. What did life or he wanted from her now?

He lied still, few metres away from her, being attended by a nurse. He looked pale. Age had taken a heavy toll on him. He kept staring at the ceiling. She wasn't sure what she would speak to him. With every step of hers getting her closer to him, she felt an unusual rush through her. She felt different. There was happiness, there was nervousness. But most of all the eagerness to have this moment with him. Finally she was near him, standing right beside him. She didn't remember when was the last time she had been this close to him. She felt weirdly complete as she touched his hand and held it tight. He was still looking at the ceiling. Her touch startled him. He looked at her. They smiled and kept looking at each other, without saying anything. They held each other's hands tightly.

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"Sister, can you give us some time with each other? I will ask for you when needed." - said Rya

"Sure. But make sure he doesn't exert himself much"- said the nurse and left the room.

Rya closed the door and looked back at Ryan. It was their moment. There was nothing between them. She went and sat near him, held his hands and looked deep into his eyes. She could feel the same warmth of love which she had for him. She laughed. She laughed hard. Ryan was surprised.

"It could have been a hell lot of things between us except for this Ryan. Except for this what we are or where we are today. You and I could have been together, but not this way. You and I loved. We still do. I compromised. You suffered. I was stubborn. You were stupid. I was practical. You were emotional. And look where we ended up!! We screwed up when two lives were at stake and now you expect us to fix it when four lives are involved.!!"

"Rya, for once stop thinking about others. It is about what we want. Do you love me?" - cried Ryan.

"Yes I do. I always did and will continue loving you. But it isn't about it only. You didn't understand it then and you don't even now. We had our chances. We ruined it. We deserve to be where we are. Accept it. Do not tie it with your feelings."

"I do not get it. Honestly I don't. I don't even want to get it Rya. Just come with me. Let us put all of this behind and start afresh."

"You are the road I left behind, many many years ago Ryan. I have started on a different journey on a different path. It has its own ups and downs but now I am on it, with it. I cannot leave it behind me. I own my decision and you got to own yours."

"I don't own anything Rya. I am a loner. I am still where you left me behind. I am beckoning you to come back. To come back to where you belong."

"No. You do. You owe someone who gave her entire life to you, selflessly. Marriage ain't a joke. You made love a farce and now you're doing the same to marriage."

"She married me. I never loved her or will ever do. I have never loved anyone but for you Rya. Why don't you get it????"

"Any why don't you get it that I can't come back to you Ryan. What was ours is gone. Once upon a time I agree I loved, truly I did, But now I have matured."

"Why did you come back to see me then?"

"To find you a closure. I didn't want to meet you at every turn of my journey and then feel helpless of my past. I have good memories of it and I hold on to it with my dearest of feelings and emotions. I find solace in my memories and you are the best of it all. Love is irreplaceable Ryan. I have just sent it to the back of the recesses of my mind. Everytime I want it, I still feel it but unknown to everyone. I live in the hope of my lost love but am present in the love which found me. I have found my balance. You got to find yours."

"And are you happy?"

"Try it. There is nothing happier than having it both. Do not try to read too deep into all. It will take away the simplicity of it. And its tough to lead it simple, easy to complicate it."

Rya let go of his hand and stood up. Ryan sat still. She kissed him on his forehead and went ahead to open the door.

"Rya!!"

"Yes Ryan?"

"Do you think we can be together in our next life time?" - smiled Ryan.

"We are together even in this. The beauty is nobody knows it but for our hearts". 

Ryan smiled.

She opened the door to find Meeta standing outside. Giving her a hug, she wished her good luck and walked ahead.

She looked back one last time and found Ryan and Meeta hugging each other.There were tears in her eyes as she put her sunglasses on but simultaneously she had a wide smile on her lips.

(The End)

Thoughts of the Past - XV

"Where are we going Kartik? You sound crazy to me. You don't even know the place. Everyone would be waiting for us back there."

"Mom, it won't take more than an hour. You got to have some patience. I have a surprise for you. Just trust me and walk with me" - said Kartik.

"You have come here for the 1st time and you got a surprise for me!!  At least you should have got your father with us. You kids are mad!!" - cried Rya and walked along with him.

Before long, they entered a cafe. It was a small, quaint cafe with a few people around. The air smelled good. Jars of cookies and coffee beans filled the shelves of the cafe.

"How did you find this place..." - continued Rya, seemingly interested looking around.

"Mom, meet Mrs. Meeta, Ryan Mehra's wife."

Rya turned her head instantly to find Meeta smiling at her, ready to give a hug. She was not sure how to respond to either her or the situation. She looked at Kartik, with an askance.

"Do not ask me how I met her or where I met her. She wanted to meet you and this was the only way I could reach out to Mr. Ryan. This is all for Kavya. I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I wasn't sure if you would agree to come, considering how you reacted the other day."

Rya was silent. Meeta hugged her and spoke "Finally!"

"Hi. Hi. I am sorry. I was a bit surprised..... or may be shocked.... I didn't anticipate all of this....Truly I didn't.... How are you doing? ......I didn't even know Ryan was married..... Actually we haven't been in touch for quite some time.....Hows he doing....You got kids?" - stammered Rya.

"Kartik, do you mind excusing your Mom and me for some time" - said Meeta.

"Oh Yeah. Sure. Not a problem".

"Thanks!!!" - smiled Meeta.

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"I don't know where to start or how to answer all your questions Rya. May be Ryan is the best person to answer them all. All that I know is you hold the same place in Ryan's life as does Ryan hold in mine. He has never got past you and trust me I have no regrets or no complaints. He had confessed this to me even then. I felt I could change things. I felt I could change him, his feelings from you to me. Even when we got married, it was my stubbornness to have Ryan. My will to possess him. My will to marry him. My will to love him. And it stayed the same way for years, even now. Initially I bore hatred for you. I wanted to erase you off his memory. I was unable to understand how a person could still have feelings for another person who has moved on in her life, who is miles away from him and who has probably found love and life in someone else. Ryan's selfless love and eternal commitment for you in the form of his silence tortured me. I left him, thinking it will affect him. He will miss me and he will beckon me. But I was wrong. He stayed in that small cottage. He named it combining your and his name and he stayed still and calm. He didn't long for me. I came back for him. I was the one who got affected. I still loved him and that's when I realized what he goes through everyday because I go through the same...every single day. What keeps me and him alive is probably the feeling which we have for the person we love."

"You must be thinking why I am saying you all this. Probably you have moved far ahead and you do not wish to look back. Ryan never told me how things were between you two. Neither did I dare ask. But the reason I asked you to come today is more out of my selfish motive. I want to see him happy. I want him well. He is at the hospital now and the doctors are unable to find him a cure. He doesn't speak to anyone anymore. He stares blankly and occasionally mutters your name. I want you to come with me and see him. Please help me!! For my sake!! God willed for us to meet and now I will to save my husband. Please come with me Rya." - cried Meeta.

"Where is he now?"

(To be continued...)