Thoughts of the Past - XII

Rya got married to Rishabh. The newlywed couple had decided to spend one month in India before leaving for States where both of them had their jobs. Aditi and Anand were a part of the celebration. Aditi did not bring up Ryan's topic in front of Rya. They did not know if Ryan was invited to the marriage or even knew about it. Ryan was a frequent visitor to their house but they never discussed Rya. Occasionally when Ryan used to get drunk heavily, he cursed himself. He had not been involved with anyone since last winter. He had not been performing well at his job either. He had got two demotions in consecutive appraisals. He looked prematurely old. He had tried hard to forget Rya and had deleted every other memory of her which he had with him except for the one photo which featured both of them while at college. She looked immensely cute in that. In solitude, this lone photo was his best friend. Ryan would stare at it endlessly and then smile before putting it back in his wallet.

After marriage, Rya had very less time to spend with Aditi and Anand. She was busy with her new family and family members. She had met Aditi only at the wedding. She wanted to meet her before leaving India. Rishabh had a lot of work and so he was unable to accompany Rya to Aditi's place. Rya went alone. Aditi was happy to see her friend at her door. Rya looked beautiful. Her face had that enviable marital glow. Rya hugged her. She had two days with her to spend at Aditi’s. Rya always felt good with Aditi beside her.

“So you are never going to come back to India?” – asked Aditi.

“As of now, we do not have any such plans. May be in future, we will rethink.” – said Rya

.

“What about Uncle and Auntie? How are they doing?”

“They have become masters in that art Aditi. Nowadays I do not even think of it. If they are at peace with their lives, I do not have a problem with that. After all, we all have had compromised in our lives at some point of life or the other Aditi” – said Rya and stood up and went near the window. She stared at the sky.

“Are you not happy with your marriage Rya?”

“Were you not happy with Vishal?” – said Rya.

“It was different Rya. I had nothing in my hands. I was a puppet in the hands of fate. I always tried doing my duty – as someone’s daughter, as someone’s love, as someone’s wife, as someone’s widow and finally when I was tired of living for others, I lived for myself.”

“But what did you do to yourself? To Ryan? To Rishabh? “– continued Aditi.

“You had to take your own decision Rya and why do u term it a compromise now?”

Rya looked back at Aditi and smiled.

“You cannot afford to be morally wrong while taking a decision for three lives Aditi. I would have been glad had I had an ethically corrupt conscience. None of us were wrong in what we went through. If I look back at it now, the only two people who could have been wrong are definitely Ryan and me-for the time frames when we confessed our feelings for each other. But why would I punish Rishabh for this? I did not have the strength to do it Aditi. I can live an entire life without the person I still think of but I will not be able to survive a day without feeling guilty for the person who has loved me so sincerely.”

Aditi was silent. She knew even she would do it. She hugged Rya and cried.

“Rishabh is a nice guy Aditi. I do love him but I cannot escape Ryan’s memories and that is the reason why I do not want to come back to India right now. It has not been easy for me – ever” – said Rya and hugged Aditi tightly.

Rya spent her two days at Aditi’s nicely. The two friends did not discuss anything serious after that eventful conversation on the first day. Anand used to join them over lunches and dinners. Aditi surprised Rya with her plans of having a baby within a year. Rishabh had come to take Rya with him. They were flying back in a week’s time.

It was time to bid bye to her friends. Rya was doing her final packing before leaving Aditi’s. Anand had taken Rishabh with him to show the place around. Aditi was in the kitchen preparing tea. The door bell rang. Aditi asked Rya to open the door because she was busy. Rya opened the door. It was the milkman. She received the milk pack and was about to close the door when she noticed that familiar face at the gate. It took her a moment to realize that it was Ryan. He looked awful. He stared at her without his eyes blinking even for a second. He stood perplexed. Rya could not take her eyes off him either. A million of emotions surged past her mind. Neither of them walked towards each other or away from each other. It seemed they had a lot to say to each other but they did not speak to each other. The distance between them was so less yet they were so far. Ryan took out his phone and captured that final memory of Rya in his camera lens forever. He smiled at Rya and left. Rya stood still. She knew she was not going to see Ryan for an indefinite period of time. That chapter of her life had been closed.

(To be Continued...)  

Thoughts of the Past - XI

Rishabh and Rya had met at the University library.

It wasn't love at first sight for either of them. Rishabh was the kind of guy whom every girl/girl's parents would approve of. He was decent, intelligent, unassuming and perfectly successful in life. Though he had a huge friend circle, he never had any interest in any girl. He liked Rya's perspective on things. At the library, they both had met over the same book " We-The Living". But since there was only one copy left, both of them came to a mutual agreement. The person who could justify Kira's stand could take the novel with him/her. Intellectually, both of them were amazing analysts. After three long hours of vehement discussion, they could not come to a conclusion still. Finally, Rishabh offered Rya to have the novel. Rya took it, kept it back on the shelf and then smiled back at him while leaving the library. That night, she received a friendship request on Facebook. She accepted. Facebook chats gave away to exchanging of gmail ids and then to phone numbers. Relationship status changed from "Single" to "It's Complicated" and then to "In a Relationship". Their relationship assured them of sleepless nights but also of dreamy days. It was a decision taken by mature minds and they meant it letter by letter. This winter, they had come to India to give their relationship a new meaning. Rishabh's parents liked Rya instantly and Rishabh was a definite winner at Rya's home. The wedding was supposed to take place this winter itself but Rya wanted to finish her PhD before getting married. Rishabh respected her decision and everyone agreed to have it next year. 

Rya had decided to move on and never look back at Ryan or anything related to him after Rishabh happened to her. She was pretty successful at that except for lonely nights when Ryan's memories haunted her.She did not know why it happened to her. She had all the reasons to love Rishabh and hate Ryan. But she had no control over her subconscious. Rishabh was the best thing that had happened to her. He loved her effortlessly and he was everything that Ryan wasn't to her. Two years helped her to forget Ryan consciously but this winter spoiled it all. She did not want that confession from him. She did not want him in her life.

After leaving India, she did not write to anyone in India for a long time. Rishabh did not understand the change in her either. She was indifferent to him at times and took refuge in the stress of the Phd course as her excuse. She did not say anything to anyone. Rishabh wasn't too naive for all this. He knew about Ryan. He waited for a considerable point of time for Rya to come back to her usual self. But sensing her emotional confused self, he asked her to reconsider their relationship. She did not tell anything to him. She just looked at him and saw the most calm expression on his face ever.

Aditi received a mail from Rya after about eleven months. She read it. She was silent. She forwarded it to Anand. She did not know if Ryan should know it from her or from Rya herself. She knew Rya was right this time but she did not want her to be right. Some relationships were bound to fail, and destiny ensured it. Having seen the worse part of it herself, she just shed a tear as she closed her Inbox. 

The subject of the first mail read "Our Wedding Invitation" and it was signed by Rya and Rishabh.

(To be Continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - X

15 minutes had past and not a single word had been spoken. For years, Ryan was not close to Rya either geographically or emotionally but all of a sudden, she seemed to be far far away from him. His right on her no longer seemed justified. He had never felt this hollowness before. In his run for friendship, he lost love. There were many things he wished to undo now but he just could not. With time, relationships change but he did not wish this to happen. The thought of seeing Rya with someone else tortured him. Rya was not any other girl. He had been in love with her for the past eight years. It was difficult to forget each and every memory of her. The pangs of loneliness killed him.

She did not anticipate this. She had taken a long time to move on and she was still not sure if she was completely over him. In front of her sat the guy whom she had loved profoundly,for years.He was her first love. Had this particular day happened a few years before, she would have been the happiest person but today, she did not know if it happened for good or bad.She wanted to hit him hard. She knew she belonged to someone else now. She was happy. She did not want all of this. To love someone and then be loved back was the best that could happen to anyone but when time frames are different, it is hell. She wished Ryan never told her.She loved someone else too.She hated Ryan for being a coward. She hated him for his mask of lies. She had many questions to ask Ryan but right now,only one seemed worthy. She liked the way Ryan kept looking at her when she did not look at him since college, but today, it seemed uncomfortable. She broke the silence finally.

"What took you so many years?"

"I don't know but does it really matter ?" - said Ryan.

" Yes it does. You have hurt me Ryan, not once but twice. I don't think you have the right to do this to me. It was not easy to forget you and now when I have, you don't let me to."

"You think its easy for me? Rya, I did not want to lose you as a friend. I was afraid. You have been the only one for me all these years. Had I known that there was someone else in your life, I would not have  come back to you.Forgive me for this but I have loved you too much to hurt you - even in my dreams."

"You are a coward Ryan and I am so glad I am not with you." - said Rya with disgust and stood up to leave.

" One final question Rya" - said Ryan and looked towards Rya expectantly.Rya looked back.

"Are you over me?May be we can work this out - together".

"I don't want to Ryan. Not because someone else loves me but because even I do."

Rya left.

Ryan was blank.The world didn't seem a friendly place.He wanted to run away from everyone. He had fallen in love with solitude instantly.He did not want to meet anyone. He missed Rya badly. He wanted to escape from everyone.He realized what he had lost only after he did.

***************************************************************************

Aditi and Anand's Marriage Ceremony

They tied the knot. Aditi and Anand were formally husband and wife. Legalizing a relationship had a beautiful meaning. They looked happy, after years. It was not just any happiness. There was a sense of accomplishment which nothing could replace.Rya and Ryan were also present but as two strangers who had never met before. Occasionally their eyes met but it was unnerving. Rya tried to avoid Ryan but he did not want to. He wanted to confront her and he knew not why. He still wanted to believe that she would come back to him. Illusions were projections of what we want to happen and Ryan wanted to drown himself in it.

The next day, Rya left for airport.Rya did not tell Aditi anything about Ryan. She did not want to spoil her best day.Aditi and Anand accompanied her to the airport.Aditi hugged her and wished her good luck.At the final call of departure, Rya looked towards Aditi and said "Take care of Ryan. He needs you and Anand".She had tears in her eyes when she said this but before anyone could ask her anything, she left and never looked back.

Aditi and Anand did not understand it but as they came out of the airport, they found Ryan standing outside, lost and forlorn.Suddenly everything seemed crystal clear.

"Come. Let's go" - said Anand and took Ryan along with them as they left the airport.

(To be continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - IX

Anand and Aditi finally decided to tie the knot.In a week's time from now, they had planned their wedding to be. Aditi did not want to tell her parents about it but on Rya's insistence, she told them. Rya was flying back to the States the day after Aditi's marriage. She spent only one week at her home and things had not changed between her parents even by the slightest measure. They had settled perfectly in their imperfect lives. She spent most of her vacation at Aditi's. She did not meet Ryan after that day. Aditi tried raising the topic once but sensing Rya's discomfort, she left it. They never talked about it again. 

Rya was staying with Aditi for the whole week prior to the marriage and she had her flight from there itself. One fine evening while Aditi and she were having their tea, the phone bell rang. Aditi picked it up.

"Hello" - said Aditi and after a second turned towards Rya and said "It is for you".

Rya looked surprised and took the receiver from Aditi.

"Hello" - said Rya.

"Hi."

There was a long pause of silence.

"I don't really ..." - continued Rya.

"I want to meet you Rya.Can you come to the Trent Cafe near the Z Square at 5 o' clock tomorrow evening?"

"Why?" - asked Rya.

"I will tell you there."

"Ryan...I don't want to..." - continued Rya but was cut short by Ryan.

"I will wait for you" and he hung up.

Rya kept the receiver down and looked perplexed. She kept thinking and on turning back found Aditi staring at her. 

"I think you should meet him" - said Aditi and went.

@Trent Cafe

It was 35  minutes past 5 o' clock. Ryan waited for Rya. He already had two cups of coffee but he still believed that Rya would come. He had been waiting for this moment since the day he met her at Aditi's place. He did not know what to say to her but he knew that he wanted to see her.He had always missed Rya but never so badly. Sometimes someone's absence becomes so permanent that his/her presence becomes disturbing and makes you badly miss him/her even when you know that he/she is just a kilometres away. He was so much lost in the thoughts of the past that he did not notice the familiar silhouette coming towards him.

"You should not have worn this shirt."

"Hey hi...I did not see you coming.I thought you would not come but I felt you would." - smiled Ryan.

"Your thoughts were justified"- said Rya and sat down.

Ryan smiled and said " What's wrong with my shirt?"

"You know it very well Ryan."

"Rya...I do not know why you hate me so much but I am sure of it. I have always tried to see you happy and I have also tried to be in touch with you always. At times I try figuring out what could have driven you mad at me but I fail to see enough reason behind it.The reason why I wanted to see you today is to know the reason behind this feeling of yours."

Rya looked at Ryan and did not say anything.Her eyes looked wildly calm and her face was dangerously serene.

Ryan continued  "You were my best friend in college and you did not even feel it necessary to tell me that you were leaving for your MS. I wrote you consistently but you never replied me back. You came to India after four years and you did not even tell me. I cannot ever possibly tell you how glad I was to see you that day but I was not sure if you felt the same. I agree I did not tell you about my feelings for someone else but does it justify the way you have been punishing me since then?"

Rya still sat silent.

"Rya. You mean a lot to me. I can never tell you the extent I have gone to protect our friendship. I did not want to see a day like this.I want an answer from you today or at least a reason justifying it." -  said Ryan and looked expectantly towards Rya.

Rya finally broke her vow of silence.

"You know Ryan, this is precisely the same question which I have been asking to myself for the past four years. And you would be surprised to know that I found out the answer only yesterday night. I always thought or may be I liked to think that the reason was your secrecy of feelings for that girl but it was not. Why would I possibly be still angry at you and not even want to talk to you. You did not say any of us and all of us should have reacted the same way. Why did I feel different? I would not like to believe that I felt so because I was your best friend. Aditi has not said many things to me but I am not angry at her and she is still my best friend. It is good that we met today because even though I never meant to say you this but yesterday night, I felt I should."

Rya took a pause and looked at Ryan who was looking at her with the same eyes as that evening 7 years before when they met at the park.

"I loved you" - said Rya.

Ryan did not know what to say. He was spellbound. He knew this since the inception of it but listening to it from her lips was different. It felt so amazing. At that moment, he wanted to say that even he did - perhaps much much before than when she felt but he did not want to stop Rya from saying what she wanted to. He kept silent.

Rya continued "Ryan, I always hated the idea of falling in for a person like you especially after that fresher's night. But I could not. Something inside me always kept getting attracted towards you. I have always been selfish in my friendship with you because I always wanted you to reciprocate my feelings back. I did not know this consciously but if you ask me today, yes I must have wanted it. As always, falling in love ruined our friendship Ryan and today I am here not because you asked me to, but because I felt I should apologize to you for what I did to us.I am sorry and I mean this from the bottom of my heart."

Ryan did not see this coming but he definitely felt happy at the prospect of getting Rya back in his life. He did not want Rya to apologize for anything but the fact that Rya was talking to him comforted him.He smiled back at Rya and hugged her.

They ordered two cappuccinos and started talking about their respective lives since they left college.

Talking to Rya reminded him of the better days of the past. It felt so great. He felt the missing link getting complete.After years, he knew he was happy.He wondered what held him back from declaring his feelings for Rya. She was the perfect one for him. He felt his logic was at fault because if spending one hour with this person felt so wonderful, spending an entire lifetime would be stunning.He had been tired of pursuing the wrong persons and Aditi's and Anand's marriage had instilled in him the confidence to confess his feelings for Rya. He felt this was the right moment for it. He knew that he was ready for it.

"Rya...I want to say something to you." - said Ryan.

"Go on Ryan."

"I love you too." -  said Ryan.

Rya was befuddled. She had the weirdest expression on her face. She was emotionally dumb.

Ryan continued "Infact, I have been in love with you for the past eight years Rya. I was never courageous enough to confess it to you. I thought I would lose you. But despite that, I lost you and today when I have found you, I do not want to lose you again. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me Rya. I don't believe I am doing this but will you marry me?"

Ryan looked at Rya with the eyes of a batsman who was scoring the winning sixer. He was one word away from his moment of euphoria. He so badly wanted it to be a Yes.

" I am in a relationship for the past two years Ryan" -  said Rya and had the same expression which Ryan had a few years before.

(To be continued...)

An Apology

(Perhaps you were expecting the continuation of the story which I have been writing for the past few months. Well, it takes a certain mood to write fiction and presently I do not think I could do justice to the plot if I attempted to write it. So I refrained myself from doing so. I am genuinely sorry for the delay. I promise to come up with it very soon though.)

The evening today was wildly romantic and the night alarmingly beautiful.I had no plans of writing this post but insomnia ( which is rare for a person like me) forced me to.Accidentally, I came across a few old mails in my mail box which I hadn't read since college.I read them.It was a lovely experience. To tell you the truth,I was juvenile and a first class idiot( but in a sweet way).It is mind blowing when you realize your own idiocy without anyone else having to tell you about it.I had a hearty laugh and I made it a point to mention it to a few dear friends of mine too.However there were certain mails from some other friends too whom I could not call up.It is not the present which forbade me to but the past which held me back.I dedicate this impromptu post of mine to a friend out there whom I might have hurt - knowingly or unknowingly.

I must have been extremely arrogant to have written you that mail on a new year. I obviously have no reasons to defend me.I know how it feels when one stands on the shores of the sea - contemplating about it. It could have been a tempestuous odyssey or an awesome voyage. I have been there myself. But it gave me no right to trade my stand with that of yours.It must have been really difficult on your part to forgive me...may be you still have not. I just want to apologize you for each and everything that ever happened to you because of me. I know I cannot undo it but perhaps I can make myself feel better when I say that I did it because I knew - everything else was simply meant to be broken. 

PS: There never is one ship on the harbour but the sea is freaking lovely!

Thoughts of the Past - VIII

She kept looking at the card. She tried not to believe it but she had to. Anand was marrying in a week’s time and there was nothing which Aditi could think of to stop it. She did not understand why it bothered her. Anand did ask her to marry him but it was she who had denied it. She failed to understand herself. She did not know what to do. She knew that she needed to talk to someone. She did not know how to contact Rya. She felt helpless. She called up Ryan.

“Hello. Ryan here.”

“Hi…” – said Aditi in a choked manner.

“Aditi? … Aditi...is it you?”

“Ryan, can u come over to my place?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

***********************************************************************

Aditi opened the door and Ryan found her in tears.

“What’s the matter?”

“Anand is getting married.”

“Who told you?”

“This.”- said Aditi and showed the card.

“You opened my bag?” – cried Ryan.

“And you did not tell me about it?”

“Aditi. I had come to tell you about it. But Rya took my mind off it. I am so sorry.”

“He is getting married!!I can’t believe it.” – exclaimed Aditi.

“But why does it bother you? You did not want to marry him and if he wants to start his life anew, what’s wrong in it?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. I mean, it should not have bothered me at all but I don’t know why it makes me sad. Somewhere deep down my heart, I believed that Anand still loved me. To tell you the truth, I still haven’t forgotten him Ryan.”

“Why did you turn him down for marriage?

“I wanted him to ask me face to face. I did not want to marry someone who proposed me through a letter. I was adamant on it. I never told him a NO. I just did not reply to him. Having known me all these years, I thought he would understand me. It was my arrogance speaking but at the end of it, I lost him. I lost him Ryan...not just once but twice.” – sobbed Aditi.

“I think you should talk to him.”

“About what? What should I tell him Ryan? … That even after being married to someone else, having loved someone else and having been a widow of someone else, I still haven’t forgotten him?? Or should I tell him that his thoughts still comfort me?? Or should I tell him that I still like him the way I did 8 years before?? My heart may play truant but not my mind Ryan. I don’t want to complicate things now. He never came in between Vishal and me. I don’t want to ruin his life. I just can’t do it.”-  cried Aditi.

“Aditi. Just answer this. Do you still love him- YES or NO?”

“If every question had an answer in Yes/No, we would have a few words in the dictionaries Ryan.”

“Yes or a NO?”

“Ryan…you don’t understand. It doesn’t even matter.”

“Yes or a NO?”

“Yes. I do.” – said Aditi.

Ryan smiled and took hold of Aditi’s hands and dragged her away with him towards the car parked outside. He drove off.

***********************************************************************

They stopped in front of a house. Ryan got down and opened the door for Aditi.

“Where are we Ryan? Why did you get me here?” – asked Aditi with eyes of suspicion.

“It’s Anand’s house Aditi. He bought it just to stay close to you. He never came in front of you because he could not see you this way. He has always perceived you as the bubbly girl he knew at college. It pained him to see you like this. He doesn’t stay here always but whenever he gets time, he comes here just to see you. He is still very much in love with you Aditi. Trust me.”

“And the card?” – asked Aditi with an askance.

“It was fabricated by me. I knew you loved him still. I just had to elicit it out of you. Aditi, don’t let your ego come in between you. You deserve a better life dear.”

Aditi looked at Ryan and hugged him.

***********************************************************************

Ryan rang the door bell.

Anand opened it. He was dumb founded.

Ryan smiled looking at Anand and left.

Aditi and Anand kept looking at each other and neither of them spoke.

Finally Anand said, “Come inside. It’s cold outside.”

Aditi went inside and Anand locked the door from behind. They sat in the living room. They still did not know what to say. They sat for almost half an hour without saying a word and then finally Aditi got up.

“I think I should leave.” – said Aditi.

“You still haven’t replied to me Aditi.” – asked Anand.

“Reply to what?”

“To my letter.” – said Anand.

“If I say that I never got it…” – said Aditi and looked towards Anand.

“Then I must say that you still haven’t changed at all and I like you being this way.” – cried Anand.

Anand continued “Aditi, will you marry me?”

“Is it out of sympathy?” – asked Aditi with a smirk.

“No. It is because it has always been you for me. I have never thought a life without you Aditi. I want to grow old with you Aditi.”

Aditi had tears in her eyes and she ran towards Anand and hugged him.

“I hope it’s not a dream Anand. I love you and I do want to marry you.”

They looked at each other and shared the most passionate kiss ever.

(To be continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - VII

3 years later 

Aditi never replied to any of Rya’s mails. She had taken up the job of a lecturer at the engineering college where she studied. Her parents tried convincing her to come back home and start life afresh but she did not relent. She had a modest life within the college campus and Ryan was one of the few visitors whom she entertained. Occasionally Ryan took her out for dinners but nothing could bring back her smile. She would wear a constant expression on her face which was neither of joy nor of sorrow. She had become indifferent towards everything in life.

3 years had changed nothing in her life except for the fact that she had become more mature about it. At times she smiled when Ryan bantered with the waitresses on their regular Saturday night dinners. Ryan had always been with her all this time. He had 4 flings in the mean time and none of them lasted for more than a month. His affairs were never a secret to Aditi and after every break up, Ryan was always greeted with a smile from her. They never discussed how it was to be interpreted. Aditi never went out with any one though she was approached by many. According to her, she had her share of love and she did not want more of it. The past three years had brought Aditi and Ryan more close than they ever were. They understood each other perfectly except for the moments when they scanned through old photographs. There was always an awkward silence reigning. Aditi still did not understand Ryan’s point of view for Rya and Ryan never understood Aditi’s stand for Anand.

2 years before, Aditi had received a letter from Anand asking her to marry him. Aditi never replied him back too.

One day, while Aditi was buying her usual stock of groceries from a near by departmental store, she heard a familiar voice at the counter. The person was asking the cashier about some address. Aditi kept looking towards the counter. She knew that she knew this person but something in her held her back. She was standing…standing still and staring…waiting…waiting for something to happen. She did not want to hide. She did not want to run away. She did not want to shout either. She just wanted the person to look back. And finally it happened. There she was standing…her partner in every crime, her bench mate, her confidant and her best friend – Rya.

“Aditi!” – exclaimed Rya and came running towards her. They had the best hug ever.

“Where were you? How have you been? Why the hell did you never reply to my mails? Why why and why?????....I missed you so much!” – sobbed Rya.

Aditi replied “Let’s go home.”

They left the store for home.

***********************************************************************

Aditi and Rya sat on the sofa sipping tea and neither of them spoke for a long time.

Finally, Rya asked “Why did you never reply to my mails Aditi?”

“What would I reply?”- snapped Aditi.

“Anything Aditi. Anything. I wanted to talk to you.You could have given me your number. I would have called you. I wanted to be with you. “

“And how would that have mattered to me Rya. Fact is fact. I had to embrace reality and you, sitting thousands of kilometers away from me, could have done nothing to alleviate it. The most that you could have done is, may be write a few more mails asking me to move on in life, a few words of sympathy over a call etc etc. I did not need any of that Rya. I needed time…for the wounds to heal.” – said Aditi and smiled.

Rya did not what to say. She was blank. She managed to divert the topic and asked Aditi about how she had been all this while. They talked and talked for hours but Aditi did not mention Ryan to her…even for once. Rya was done with her Master’s and was now pursuing her PhD. She would be done with it by next year end. She had come to India for the first time since she left for US. She seemed pretty happy and upbeat about life.  

At this point of time,the door bell rang. Aditi went to open the door.

“Who is it Aditi?” – asked Rya when Aditi came back.

Ryan followed her.

Rya stood up on seeing him. In a moment, everything flashed back her mind. The fresher’s night, their friendship, the college days, the final year, the years thereafter…everything. Ryan had not changed at all. He still sported his rimless specs and had the same coiffure. He was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. The only difference was that now he had more grey hairs. To Ryan, Rya looked entirely different. She had become fair, elegant and attractive. For the first time, he found her beautiful. He had always been in love with her but never attracted to her so profoundly.

They stood for a long time amidst an odd silence. None of them dared break it. Rather, they found it comforting.

Finally Aditi spoke “Ryan, have a seat. I will get some snacks and a cup of coffee for you. Rya, do you want coffee?”

Rya did not answer. Aditi asked her again and she denied. Aditi left for the kitchen.

They had so much to say that they did know where to start and how to start. 4 years had passed by since they met for the last time.

“How are you?” – asked Ryan

“Fine.”

“Hmm. And your studies? In job?”

“No. I am doing my PhD. Hopefully I should be done with it by next year end.”- said Rya.

“Any plans of coming back to India?” – continued Ryan when he was cut short by Rya.

“Cut the crap Ryan. How does it even bother you? Do you still think we are friends?”

“I think we always were.”

“No. We never were. Think about it Ryan and then come back to me.”

Rya got up to leave. Ryan held her hand and asked her “One last question Rya, why did you never reply back to my mails?”

Rya looked back, freed her hand from his clutch and said “I did not think it to be necessary.”

And she left. Ryan stood speechless. He looked back and found Aditi standing. She went inside. He left.

Late at night, when Aditi was going to sleep, she found Ryan’s bag lying on the sofa. She picked it up and placed it on the side table near her bed. She was about to resume her novel when she thought of opening it. It was against her morals but something inside her kept pestering her to do so. Finally she gave in and opened the bag. There was a notebook, a pen and a jacket inside. Nothing extraordinary. She took out the notebook and opened it. The handwriting seemed familiar. She knew it. She had seen it somewhere. She remembered it finally. Rya had shown her the notes which she used to receive way back in college and this handwriting matched with that of it.

“So, it had always been Rya for him and he still doesn’t want to tell her about it.”-  thought Aditi.

She closed the notebook and was about to place it inside the bag when a card fell from it. It was a wedding card. She picked it up. A chill ran down her spine. One of the names was familiar.

It read “Anand weds Sangeeta”.

(To be continued…)

  

Thoughts of the Past - VI

“So what did you decide finally?” – asked Ryan looking towards Aditi.

Aditi sat still. She did not answer his question. But her pretence to ignore the question was not compelling enough for Ryan. He did not stop being adamant about it.

Finally she muttered “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean by you don’t know. You cannot just leave things this way. You have had enough of people deciding what you should do and what you should not. Aditi, life is what we decide it to be and not what we let situations and circumstances turn it into.”

“Ryan…I am tired of everything. And to be frank, I don’t really need you to lecture me on life and stuffs right now.”

“I can understand Aditi and I know what you have been through but I cannot leave you like this. I think you should forget…”

“Forget???...Whom Ryan… Whom? How many times should I resort to this word? I had hardly forgotten Anand when Vishal entered my life. It’s not easy to forget someone Ryan. Anand was my love and it was not easy to let go of him. Marriage was a misnomer for me. Every time Vishal touched me, I wanted Anand to be there instead. I avoided him and he respected it. Marriage was hell Ryan…it was a complete hell and most importantly, I was punishing someone who wasn’t even remotely responsible for the things that happened to me. Vishal was a nice guy and I was hurting him for trying to be a good husband. But with time, I learnt to love him. And the feeling was not under any compulsion. I actually started loving him. I had imagined growing old with him but my wish was never in the wish list of my fate. Vishal seems to be a figment of my reality now. No matter how much I move on, I  do not really think that one can ever forget someone whom he/she has loved even for one single day of his/her life. The worst part is it I don’t even know what I did to deserve losing the two persons I had loved in my life.”

 Ryan was silent. He did not know what to say. He had two failed relationships within a year and he did not care for either. In his quest for the right person, he broke up twice and now he did not believe in the whole idea of falling in love. He had directed his entire attention to his career and was doing well in his job. Ryan was not in contact with any of his friends after Aditi’s marriage. His first break up was a sudden one and within one month of his graduating from college. The differences between them were too much to try working on them. His second relationship lasted for more than eight months but eventually they broke up owing to a difference in opinion between both of them regarding marriage. Ryan was still confused if she was the right person to be his wife. Somewhere he felt a link missing between them. He confessed it to her and the relationship ended. Ryan was not penitent either. At the age of 24, he wondered about how people could take decisions about commitment and marriage from such an early age. Clearly, Aditi’s words made no sense to him.

He asked Aditi “How can you be so sure of love Aditi. Love to me is just a habit to stay confined within your comfort zone and sometimes, you are so well settled there that you give it the name of commitment. Very few people have the guts to break this habit because you just don’t want to come out of your comfort zone, even when you know there is someone else out there with whom you can have a better life with. Falling in Love is not absolute. It is always relative. It takes a life time to find the person you are actually compatible with. You got to meet many people to decide whom you actually want to spend your life with. You cannot possibly dare to think that losing two people whom you thought you were in love with would bring an end to this precious life of yours. You are not born just to fall in love or be married to somebody. You definitely have a better purpose in life.”

Aditi retorted “It doesn’t always have to be a life time to know who you are in love with Ryan. While waiting for the right person, you may actually lose someone who could have been yours to someone else. You can never compare people because everyone is different. Love may be a habit but definitely a good one and I don’t want to break it. And there never is a better purpose in life as compared to sharing your life with someone you love because without it, everything else doesn’t matter.”

There was pin drop silence after this and neither of them spoke for the next few minutes.

Finally Ryan said “I don’t think there is any point discussing it Aditi. Let me drop you at home.”

“Ryan...I always wanted to ask you something…why you never proposed Rya.”- asked Aditi and looked up at Ryan.

Ryan answered “I did not want to lose her…ever.”

“Lose her???Are you even in contact with her? And what made you think that she would say a NO to you?”

“She would not. I always knew that she loved me.”

“What! You knew it? And you still did not? Don’t tell me that you never loved her. Every one of us knew that you did.”

 “May be I did. But love always carries with it the risk of a break up. You can always come back to a friend but never to your love. I respect Rya more than I love her.” -  said Ryan and smiled at Aditi.

“You know what…you are a hypocrite and the biggest coward I have ever come across. And I am happy that Rya is not with you. She definitely deserves someone better than you.”

Aditi walked away.

“I know” said Ryan and stood with the most enigmatic expression on his face.

He knew what he had been through. On the fresher’s night itself, he had fallen in for Rya. He always wore a mask of indifference towards her to avoid losing her. Ryan had thought of proposing Rya in the final year but Aditi’s and Anand’s break up deterred him from doing so. Moreover, he never wanted Rya to stay back in India because of him. He brushed aside the idea of ever confessing his feelings to her. He had known Rya well enough to understand that she too wanted to be with him. But he had decided against it. After college, he had written a few mails to Rya but he never got a reply for any. He never wanted to lose her as a friend but eventually he did. And he still did not regret his decision. He wanted to take safe decisions with the right persons in his life.

One week later

My dear Aditi,

I don’t know where you are or how you are. I tried reaching you on your number which Anand gave me but it says that it is temporarily out of service. I have been trying to reach you ever since. Anand told me everything. I am so sorry for you. I don’t know what to say to you but please do take care of yourself. I am always with you. If you find it possible on your part to talk to me, I am just a call away.

Love,

Rya.

(To be continued...) 

Thoughts of the Past - V

Aditi,

I have no idea of how to start this mail. For the past few days, I had been thinking of writing to you but every time I realize how late it has been, I simply save it as a draft. Somehow I have gathered the courage to hit the submit button today...because I am badly missing you.This is going to be a heck of a mail and pardon my grammar because I am really not in a state to flaunt it. I just want you to listen to me..just like good old days.

Perhaps it is too late to congratulate you on your marriage, but I wish you both a happy married life. I did get your card while at home but intentionally avoided your calls.Trust me...I would have ruined your day.But now that I look back upon it, it feels so stupid. Anyway, I would love to talk about it when I call you but there is something else which I need to tell you.

Aditi...there was one thing which I never told you while at college.Do you remember how I scoffed off at the idea of falling in for anyone and mostly for Ryan. To tell you the truth, I was madly in love with him since then.

Initially I never accepted it but when I realized where exactly my feelings led to, it was difficult to turn back.I never told him about it because I felt somewhere in his heart, he too had feelings for me. I waited for him to tell me and my wait never ended.I loved him a lot Aditi and I still don't believe it. Ryan is not the type of guy I had dreamt to spend my life with. He doesn't fit into many of the criteria that I had set for my life partner but I still ended up feeling for him.It was a terrible feeling to feel for him and simultaneously discard the thought that I felt for him.I liked being with him and life was so easy with him.Being together seemed so permanent that I had never thought of trying to make it permanent. Not until Ryan told us about his commitment did I ever imagine that he could like someone else. Aditi...perhaps I can never tell you how difficult it is... to know ....that "someone you loved and lived for.... was feeling the same way... for someone else".What hurt me most was not that he did not reciprocate my feelings...but the fact that he never respected our friendship.I shared with him each and everything and he did not tell me the most important thing happening in his life.There have been days here when I have repented for not confessing my feelings to him...but now... precisely after one year...I do not feel the same.To have loved him was not a mistake but a blunder. Feeling for him was so involuntary but mending it is not. Its difficult to hate him but I really do want to.

Aditi,this would be the last time that I would be talking to you about Ryan.I do not want you to ever tell me where he is or how he is.I wrote this mail to you because I did not want to lose you or Anand because of all this.By the way, I forgot to tell you...Anand is here in States for a couple of months and he is coming over to my University next weekend.How has it been between you both and does Vishal know about it?Come to think about it, I think I should better give you a call this weekend. Mail me your number and convey my regards to Vishal.Talk to you soon!

- Rya

PS: I think I am fine :)

**********************************************************************************

After reading the mail, Aditi smiled to herself and switched on the TV. The door bell rang. It was Ryan.

"Ready?" - asked Ryan.

"Yes.Give me a minute". She went inside to get her purse.

On way,Ryan kept talking about something or the other but Aditi was lost in her thoughts. At times, years fly by and at times one year seems to be like an eon - thought Aditi. She did not mention Rya to Ryan. 

On reaching the reception desk of their destination, she was once again asked to fill up one of the numerous forms as a part of the hospital formalities. She could fill the details even in the dark.


Form

Name:    Aditi Sharma

Wife of:  Late Vishal Mehra

..............

..............

..............

(To be Continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - IV

It had been 2 years since Rya received that final note.Fortunately or unfortunately she never read it. She never felt the necessity or the urge to even think about it. Ryan had changed her life totally. She felt completely understood by him. Rya had graduated from a pessimistic realist to an incorrigible optimist. There was a paradigm shift in the way she perceived life.She was happy after a pretty long time but she had one regret.She always felt that she failed to understand Ryan at times.He was a very good friend of hers but he was unfathomable.Or may be he preferred to be this way. Two years had metamorphosed him from inside. The flippant in him had taken a back seat and he took life seriously. He talked, he smiled,he lived life but....he was just not the Ryan whom Rya knew two winters back.

It was the final semester on campus and everyone was busy trying to steer their careers in the right direction. There was no time for juvenile love. It was the season of placements. Aditi had got through Feloitte on the first day itself. It was the second day of placement and Rya, Ryan and Anand had been short listed for a PI in NcMinsey. They were awaiting for the results when Aditi came to meet Rya at the college canteen. Ryan seemed tense but Anand was alarmingly calm. His calmness faltered on seeing Aditi. Aditi muttered a casual "Hi" to both of them but Anand was too preoccupied in his thoughts to note it.

Aditi and Anand did not talk to each other. After their supposedly break up in the summer of the first year, they got back together in the winter of their sophomore year. Their relationship was a steady one this time. The apprehensions of infatuation got buried under the quagmires of maturity. They had planned their whole life with each other and were supposed to get married two years after college. Aditi's parents had agreed and Anand's family was only left to be convinced.Aditi had always wanted Anand to talk to his parents about them but Anand always deferred it asking for some more time. He wanted to tell it to them after he got through his MBA. And he would do it but for an unfortunate incident which shattered their lives. Anand was in his sixth semester when he got a call from his mother one day asking him to come over to his home immediately. His father had a heart attack and he was admitted to hospital.Anand's father expired before he could see him. He was devastated with this and he gave up all plans for his higher studies and decided to do a job and stay with his mother after college. Aditi's parents were keen on having a highly qualified son-in-law and Anand's decision was obviously a disappointment to them. Anand was too mature not to get the right signs and he decided to call off his relationship with Aditi. Aditi was shattered and she insisted on leaving her parents to be with Anand. But Anand never budged from his decision. Aditi tried a lot to mend things from both the sides but finally she gave up. Anand felt that Aditi had moved on since then....at least she pretended to. And things were never ever the same like before.

There was a sudden rush of people towards the college noticeboard to check the final list of short-listed candidates.NcMinsey was one of the dream companies and everyone vied for it. Rya ran to see the list and silently kept praying to God for the three of them to be short listed.She desperately wanted Ryan to be with her after college too. She had never dreamt of a day without him and to her delight, Ryan and she had been recruited by their dream companies. She looked back at Ryan and gave him the best smile she had ever given to anyone. Soon she realized that, Anand was also a part of it. She looked for his name but she did not find it. She cross checked again but in vain. It was difficult to tell Anand about it. Anand had been an acer since his 1st semester but he had been failing in almost everything that he tried to do after his father's death. He suffered a year back too but NcMinsey had offered him with a new hope for the brighter side of things. Anand went to see the check list for himself and then left immediately without meeting any one of them.

The placement season continued with the daily affair of some students revelling while some heading back to hostel to start preparing for the next company. By the end of the semester, 98% of the batch was placed and Anand was one of them. He was placed in Paccenture. The end terms were about to start in a week. Rya suggested everyone to meet over a cup of coffee at a nearby Cafe Coffee Day. It was a nostalgic moment for all of them since they knew it that this was the last time when they would be sipping coffee together. It was difficult to even remember when they had it the previous time.

"Guys! Do you people realize that in less than a month's time, we are all going to be separated.May be Ryan and I will be together..but its not going to be like this any more" - said Rya.

There was an echoing silence. It was broken by Aditi when Anand cast an askance towards her : "May be we can all share what is happening in our lives because we rarely do it these days. We hardly talk. What happened to your MS applications Rya?".

"Ohh..yes...I got my admission from a couple of Universities but I don't think I will go for it. I am happy with my job offer here and moreover who will tease Ryan if I go" - said Rya with a mischievous smile. 

Ryan smiled and said " I can hear hundreds of people heaving a sigh of relief in those Universities". Rya started beating Ryan and realized that Ryan had laughed after many months. She smiled back to herself.

At this juncture, Aditi startled everyone with "Okay Guys! I need to tell something to you all.I am getting married next month." She looked at Anand with the solemn eyes ever.Anand was completely flummoxed and so were Rya and Ryan. 

Rya asked "Whom? When did all these things happen? What is his name? Why didn't you tell us?"


Aditi continued "His name is Vishal and he is a family friend. He is settled in UK with his family. I wanted to tell you people about it but I was waiting for the right time...perhaps when all of us were placed."

Rya was startled since Aditi ,being her roomie had never shared this with her. Ryan and she congratulated Aditi and asked about her job at Feloitte of which Aditi told them of her decision of not taking up the job. 

"I want a break" - muttered Aditi and cast a glance at Anand which was enough to break him down for the rest of his life.  

Rya did not know what to tell of this and she tried diverting the topic.Aditi's marriage was much of a shock than surprise for the rest of them. Somehow everyone still had the feeling that someday they would get back together.Unlike times of the past,silence was predominant in this rendezvous .Finally everyone decided to call it a day and wished each other luck for their future. They decided to meet on the final day on campus before leaving for their homes. 

Suddenly Ryan said " Wait! I think I should tell you people something."  and he started smiling.

Rya looked up at him and was at a loss wondering what it could be. Aditi and Anand stared at Ryan.

He continued " Perhaps you people must have noticed an awkward silence in me for the past few months. Actually I was going through one of the darkest phases of my life and I am thankful to all of you and especially Rya for being such a good friend to me all the time .Rya I mean it......"

Ryan hugged Rya and continued : "I am deeply in love with someone.She is a very nice friend of mine from a pretty long time."

Everyone looked at each other and Rya had the most inscrutable expression on her face.

Ryan continued " I had proposed to her but she did not feel for me the same way. I continued to pursue her for a long time but in vain. I had finally given up on her but as my luck would have it - she called me up yesterday and Guys! She told me a YES!!!". 

Ryan was exuberant and Anand hugged him. Aditi looked at Rya and held her shivering hands firmly. Ryan looked at Rya and asked " Won't you congratulate me? See... now you won't have to introduce me to your good looking  friends either ".

Rya looked at Ryan discerningly and said "Congratulations! I am happy for you!" and she left.

Last day on Campus

Aditi, Anand and Ryan were at the coffee house waiting for Rya. 2 hours passed but she was nowhere in sight. Finally Aditi called her up but Rya did not pick up. Suddenly Aditi got a message on her phone from reading :

 " I am sorry guys! My flight is in the next 30 minutes. I had to leave immediately because of some urgent work. And yes...I forgot to tell you people that I have decided to leave for my MS this Fall. I will miss you a lottt and  I will miss the times which I have spent here in the past 4 years.Good Bye!"

( To be continued...)