Essential Living

Someday you will understand my denial
Someday you will realize the abyss of my silence
Someday you will be at ease with my whims
Someday you might just feel my absence

Someday you will miss the togetherness
Someday you will long for my emotion
Someday you will pine for true love
Someday you might just be an option

You never travelled the path of my pain
You could not choose yours on your own
I wrote my fate, painted my future
Bearing the fruits of the seeds I had sown

Reasons never matter, times do
Life, people say is never without ado
I laugh at my innocence, risen much above
Learnt for sure, life's not just about hurt or love!

Amitie

4:15 am. Mumbai. 16th March '13.

I always make it a point to make memories - good ones, when I am about to leave a place. Mumbai being my favourite, 15th had to be special and it was. I had spent it with people who had made Mumbai worthwhile for me. But that moment when I left my room, my hostel and finally my campus - I was speechless. The journey right from the steps of my hostel till my flight took off had flashes of everything - right from day one at SP till then and with no one else but with the person who was accompanying me to see off. As we sat there in the taxi, neither of us dared to break the vow of silence between us. On any normal day, we had so much to talk about, fight upon or share with. But these 20 - 25 minutes was different. There was no need to say anything. Everything stood understood. I have always found it extremely difficult to bid bye but this time, it was tough to escape it with him being adamant enough to see me off.  He was the one person who had been with me during the best of my times, worst of it and of course all the times in between in the past two years. He knew the part of me which I myself knew not of. He had made me realize that it was okay to be imperfect. He was the guy I could rely on - any time, anywhere and on anything. He came with a lot of imperfections but probably that's why we were so good together because I was the same too. I have always believed that four to five people make a real difference to your lives in a single life span in the relationship called friendship. I wasn't sure if I have had my plate full as yet but he definitely had made it to the list.

Memories are strange. No matter the form they are, they make you cry. But we seemed to have a pact against it that day. We had reached the airport by then. Time seemed to fly but there was no point in expecting it to delay either. Our college lives had come to an end and we had to accept it. But it was painful. I accept it.I have had so many memories etched with this place and the people in it that it was tough for me to let it go. I hugged him for the first time on the last day of our journey together. And then I went ahead without looking back. I was too weak to see his face. I checked in and moved towards security. I got a call from him. He was in tears. And he was talking. I had nothing to say but for the tears. He talked incessantly of the times we spent together, the friendship we lived and the phase of our life which we would never get back. He talked about everything which I already knew but never felt the necessity to let him know. I was listening to him and I felt he should keep talking because I didn't have the strength to do so. It was the toughest stretch of walk that I had ever walked. But I didn't want to hang up. I wanted to listen to him.

Unfortunately the pilot was in no mood to entertain our sentiment. We were ready for take off and I finally had to intervene in the monologue saying that I was leaving. As I hung up the phone, I burst into tears with no regards for what the people around me thought of.The farther I went from him, that city and all the people in it - the closer I was getting to its memories. It wasn't easy but I let myself open to all the hurt and pain because sometimes it feels right to suffer for the right reasons. And there can never be any reason as worthy as that of friendship, especially the ones we live for!

Carpe Diem!

Sealed Lips

I used to believe that words have the greatest power but with time I have come to realize that silence has its own way of being understood too. There is a disclaimer attached to it though - either the person you are speaking to doesn't matter at all or matters to you the most.

Personally, I have preferred to stay silent in some important conversations of my life. While I have always contemplated if I should have voiced my opinion then, the conviction that its outcome was supposedly better than what could have happened has always stopped me from speaking. 

Silence lets us handle the uncertainties in our lives. It lets the other person commit mistakes and understand the situation better. It lets circumstances speak for themselves. It has its own beauty of showing our disagreement too. But most importantly it also stands for acquiescence. Every single permutation and combination of it simply depends on the person it is targeted at. Either he understands it or doesn't but the purpose is not always served.

The probability of being misunderstood is the greatest liability of staying silent. 

But we still practice it. 

The fact that we have multiple choices in our lives and we are so unsure of choosing the supposedly right alternative that we resort to the one having multiple interpretations is the only logical explanation for our sealed lips.

Pixelated Life!

For some unknown reasons, I was in an euphoric mood today evening which got me to tune into some of the finest songs on my playlist and think about me! Well, I used to do it pretty religiously earlier until this madness called MBA happened to me. But its over and I am glad it is. Though it doesn't go onto say that I did not love the past two years but I missed a part of me which I am actually fond of.

I was trying to remotely understand myself this evening. Not that I was successful at it but yeah I could figure out a few things for myself. I realized that despite trying to be the Miranda of 'The Tempest' fame, I had failed at it miserably. I was far more flawed than I thought myself to be. Most of the times, I had settled down for something else than what I wanted. I am far far away from the things I had once listed as priorities in my notebook. Yes, I did have a notebook in which I had my entire life planned out leaving nothing to fate. Such was my arrogance! But today when I look back, I don't exactly regret too much. Rather I feel its a syndrome which most of us have and which I believe is the single most reason behind feeling depressed. I don't want to continue with it.

We tend to hype our lives for no apparent reason. We try to either live someone else's dreams or ours. It doesn't matter which is better. Either case, the probability of it failing makes us feel miserable. The fundamental flaw in balancing our needs and wants or duties and dreams lead to us to delusion. In my reckoning, you can view life from three aspects - over analyze it, analyze it or just explore it. This in turn stands true for our past, present or future respectively. I am not the right one to comment which view is better but I believe while we are busy doing this, our life's happening to us. 

I tried playing safe with my life for a long time because I wanted to satisfy my self-conceit. But it wasn't worth it. I did not end up where I wanted to. But in the past few years I have done a few things which even though I would never like to share with my kids, I still am glad I did it. Not because I am particularly proud of everything but because I know the feeling of being up there and knowing for myself the different shades of me. I do not hold onto a lot of things and I have been gifted with the trait of never looking back if I decide it to be but these experiments have actually gone a long way to refine me and my sensibility.

I still have a little bit of my life planned out yet again but this time I am open to the fact that I might lose again. But I am up for it. I want to experience the side that I deserve and don't just desire. Isn't this the difference between people who supposedly succeed in their lives and people who don't? I know that despite everything, hell won't break loose and I will still move on in my life. Don't judge me low on my confidence for this. But I want to stop having an idiosyncratic life and enjoy living an unpredictable one. I wish to harbour a sentiment that can accept my failures, my mistakes, my success, my experiments and my actions alike and lead me to an end of this single lifetime in the most ceremonious way ever. And I expect myself to stop kicking the football with the goal post in mind every single time.

Stones and Gravel

I looked at the newspaper as if I was seeing myself in it. Its true that I always dreamt of being there but unfortunately it wasn't me today. It was my shadow there. Someone who knew me more than myself. Someone who didn't need to be familiar or an effort to be recognized even after a thousand years of loneliness. 

"Isn't he from your batch? Did you guys know each other?" - asked Rishi.

I fumbled while answering but managed with a " Yeah. He used to be with us but apart from a few hi-byes, we hardly talked. He used to be the loner kinds..you know..."

"Hmm. I have been following his career for some time now and to tell you the truth, I am impressed with him.   Shikha, you should have also pursued your career. You would have done good to yourself. I have seen that potential in you."

I smiled and said " I am fine with where I am. You are there na."

Rishi smiled back and kissed me on my forehead saying " I still feel you were not meant for this. But I love you for what you are. And nothing else matters to me." He folded the newspaper and went to take his shower. I went ahead to get Adi and Jenny ready for school.

Rishi and I have been married for the past 15 years. Its been a successful marriage, if I might have to rate it. We get along well and apart from a few occasional misunderstandings, we were considered an ideal couple. I gave up my career after Jenny was born. Adi was 3 years then and I felt that my family needed me more than my job. I was not doing that great at it either. I was average and I had lost my interest in it too. Since then, my world had been Rishi, Adi and Jenny. I saw my happiness, success, failure and even my life in them. They loved me and this sufficed. There were times when I had felt extremely lonely and lost but I always knew that this was the life I had chosen for myself, out of my volition. I had forgotten who I used to be, my past and my own dreams in this quest for a happy present. And probably I never wanted to look back.

But today, I was compelled to walk down the aisle of my past. After Rishi and the kids left, I rushed back to look at that face in the paper. I had longed for this moment since morning. I wanted my private moment with this face. I had been secretly following his career and life too. But this particular coverage in the newspaper was something different. It was not just his dream, but mine too, to see him there.

The last time I had seen Abhinn was one week prior to my marriage. I was leaving for my home the next day. He was ideally supposed to meet me at my marriage but that night he surprised me by showing himself suddenly. He was standing there at my door without any luggage. Obviously it was the impulsive part of him!! Two years had brought us so close that we knew we had our share of best friendship and desired for no more. Not just our waking hours but our lives were also in sync with each other. We were both ambitious, fun loving and lived our life to the maximum. With him by my side, I never really cared about what others thought about us and neither did he. After those two blissful years, we had to separate to pursue our careers in different cities. But we were still in touch and nothing seemed to change. In fact the distance brought us more closer emotionally. I was doing good at my job but Abhinn wasn't satisfied with his. He wanted to do something bigger and better. We both motivated each other and despite a hard day at work, we always used to find solace when we talked to each other at the end of the day. Abhinn had a huge friend circle but he always managed to find time for me. We had never realized that it was more than friendship but we did manage to sign a bond agreeing that we would marry each other if we never got anyone as awesome as us in our lives. Marriage, traditions or the rest of the world didn't matter to us. We were so satisfied in our present that we never looked back or beyond.

After about two years of being in job, I was engaged to Rishi after a brief courtship period. Abhinn had helped me a lot in overcoming the entire episode of being cold feet about it. He had never met him though and for some reason, I never felt like talking about him to Rishi. I felt Abhinn was that part of my life which was only and only mine and I strived to guard it closely always. But my time was divided now. Initially Abhinn seemed to understand it but later, he seemed to get upset about it. He didn't say anything about it but I knew him. I just hoped time would better it and later he would also have someone in his life to share his life with. Things had begun to change between us. I was trying to follow the rules of being in a relationship with someone. Rishi was a great guy. He was understanding and loved me and most importantly he was the choice of my whole family. I tried to give the best of me to him and our relationship. The more I was getting closer to Rishi, the farther I was going from Abhinn. No matter how hard I tried in ignoring it, this fact was bothering me from inside. I missed my time with Abhinn. I missed my life with him and most importantly I missed him. Abhinn had got so busy in his life and career that I didn't bother him with the complexities of my mind then. It was almost 10 days that we hadn't talked to each other on phone except for a few occasional messages. I knew how serious he was about his career and so I accepted the hiatus. But that day his presence at my door steps was comforting and shocking at the same time. Even though I had wanted to see him so bad but somewhere deep down inside I knew why he was there. I ran and hugged him. He was busy but in figuring out his life and its direction all this while.

While sipping our late night coffee at Costa, we looked at each other with a passionate intent. Both of us did not speak a single word. The earlier fun had given way to a maturity so strange and unfamiliar that we wanted it to stop then and there. I had never seen him this way. I was attracted to him like never before. Somehow I knew I was meeting him for the last time this way. Things were bound to change after this. I wanted time to move no further.We sat still.It was time for the cafe to be closed and we had to return back to my flat. On our way back, Abhinn was weirdly silent and I did not dare break it. It was too late at night for him to go anywhere and so I broke the silence by asking him to come inside. He agreed and came inside my room. I asked him if he wanted something. He denied. He kept looking at me and finally asked

                                           "Do you still think we are just friends?"

I had no answer to this. I obviously knew it but I was a coward to accept the truth. Abhinn would never be accepted in my family. He was born to a Christian father and Hindu mother. Even though I knew deep down inside that he was the best for me, I did not have the courage to leave everything behind and never look back. I knew I would be the happiest with him and anyone else would just be a replacement for him, but not him. But all's in the time and the guts to follow your heart.

          I had tears in my eyes when I replied " I can't do it even though I want to do it. I am sorry."

He smiled and took me in his arms. I hugged him like never before and we both kept holding onto each other  in a bid to refute the time which was ahead of us. Before long, I could feel his lips on mine and I kissed him back with a stronger passion. I wanted more of him and the more closer we got, we knew how perfect we were for each other. That night was the last time I lived the actual "me". As I lied next to him on bed, I could sense the depth of his love. I realized how madly we were in love and I didn't just want to let go of him. I wished I could be with him forever. I wished a lot of things but I knew that I didn't deserve any of it. 

I woke up alone. He was gone and gone with him was that part of me which once upon a time defined me. It was time for me to head home to embark on a life I was not so happy to embark upon. He left no tangible memory of him but for a small post-it with the words "A part of you will always be with me." I burst into tears when I realized how I had lost him forever. I cried out loud but there was no one by my side. I had never felt this lonely before. I tried reaching on his cell but he had made up his mind never ever to look back. He was gone and as I went ahead with the life I had chosen for myself, he went farther and farther. He never married but I always kept wondering the other side of the coin which never won in the toss. Somehow I felt both of our lives were in similar boats but with different sailors. He chose to steer his and I outsourced mine.

My thoughts were disturbed by the ringer of my cell. It was Rishi. I answered.

" Sweetheart, whats up? Thinking of me? Missing me?"

After a brief pause, I answered "Yes. Of course."

So long...

It isn't always love at first sight. Sometimes when we meet someone for the first time, we never realize how important that person might become in our life later. Its just a probability and it is justified because we do meet a lot of people. But 'distance' does that magic to us - to cognize if that person actually made a difference to our life? My story is no different. With every single day of our being not together, I understood how much we were meant for each other. All that I am holding onto today is our memories - memory indeed is a funny thing. It gives you an irreplaceable sadistic pleasure.

When I first met him, I hated him. To be precise, I was indifferent to him. I was perfectly in love with someone else. I had my so called 'ideal' love story with my ex. I was in sync with my life. Family approved it and so did everyone else around us. I always wanted to play the role of being the 'ideal' everywhere and so it never bothered me to understand if I really wanted it. I just took whatever came my way and for this person - I had gone to my extreme ends to be together. He was the perfect gentleman. So this new change in my life- I don't think if I was really prepared for it. 

My indifference was grounded on a lot of reasons - he was messed up, suffocating and too plaintive. But what I hated about him was the extreme shades of his personality. At one instance, he would be so full of life, so ambitious and so gorgeous while there were times when I would see this 'troubled' part of him - selfish, lonely, hypocritic and of course too dark. I never bothered to understand him in the initial few days of our meet. For me it was just a matter of time and this too would pass. I always waited to go back to my ex. But this guy had a huge ego. He was loved by way too many people to let go of this pride of his.He wanted me too. He knew I was a tough one at that probably. But he still did try in his own unique way by letting time and natural instinct decide.

He scored his maiden with my first monsoon experience at Marine Drive. It was one of those evenings when I just wanted to be by myself and my thoughts. Even though I was with a lot of people that evening, I did manage to find my own little fairy of solitude. He was with us too. He managed to evince that cheer from all of them but with me, I was sceptical. I probably didn't want him to influence me with his charm. But I lost it to him that day - partially. He gave me a hug I will never ever forget, without saying anything. His touch and his feel was enough for me to break the facade of 'unwillingness' towards him. I befriended him that night on our way back as we sped past in my first ever local train trip. With time, I got to know him better and his multifaceted personality which once upon a time I detested had begun to attract me. His pace was fast and he never slowed him. He taught me how to fight back failure straight at its face. At times I thought he was too caught up with the rat race but I was wrong. He had this unusual degree of access built around him. It depended if he wanted to be caught up or just put a brake right there. He just knew it right - all the time. I was in awe of his fierce independence and stormy freedom.

With him, I explored this other side of me which even though I was aware of, did not want it to be known. I started living life for myself, did things I thought was impossible earlier and most of all I was fearless of what others thought about me because he had instilled in me just this one thought - you don't deserve to be judged by those who care for you and for the rest, it doesn't ever matter. His tall lofty aims helped me see my own dream and pursue big. He was simple and yet so elegant in his own way. His rough nature didn't seem to bother me anymore. In fact I loved him for that because life wasn't always supposed to be so velvety all the time. There was a different sense of accomplishment with him. I felt so complete and so grown up with him. The maturity he evoked in me - I am in love with myself today for that.

It was pretty late when I realized how much he had grown up on me. I had broken up with my ex and very comfortably moved on. In fact when I last visited my past,  I was happy for the past memoirs but I didn't miss him as much. My present was way too better and I knew I would finally settle here. But this guy had an insatiable greed in him to make every single soul fall in love with him. There was one thing I had not realized till now about him though- he was just like the running water. He never settled down with anyone. He kept making a difference to every new girl/guy on his path and left them with no choice but admiring him and longing for him. For me, it was a life changing experience and I am not mad at him for what he did to me. Because I left him - out of compulsion. But I still am madly in love with him as much as I miss him because I know I have lived my life with him and will never find someone as awesome as him.

(For those of you who have been thinking who the guy is - he is none other than 'Mumbai' who I chose over my ex - 'Bangalore.' You ought to give it the time it deserves to make you fall in love truly madly and deeply with him.)

Winter Musings...

Day 1

Sometimes it takes years to decide what or who you really want and sometimes its just a few moments! But at the end, its always worth it coz you know you were meant for it. Such is life!

Day 2

Intentional silence has the deepest conversation buried within but only reason sees it through.