Stones and Gravel

I looked at the newspaper as if I was seeing myself in it. Its true that I always dreamt of being there but unfortunately it wasn't me today. It was my shadow there. Someone who knew me more than myself. Someone who didn't need to be familiar or an effort to be recognized even after a thousand years of loneliness. 

"Isn't he from your batch? Did you guys know each other?" - asked Rishi.

I fumbled while answering but managed with a " Yeah. He used to be with us but apart from a few hi-byes, we hardly talked. He used to be the loner kinds..you know..."

"Hmm. I have been following his career for some time now and to tell you the truth, I am impressed with him.   Shikha, you should have also pursued your career. You would have done good to yourself. I have seen that potential in you."

I smiled and said " I am fine with where I am. You are there na."

Rishi smiled back and kissed me on my forehead saying " I still feel you were not meant for this. But I love you for what you are. And nothing else matters to me." He folded the newspaper and went to take his shower. I went ahead to get Adi and Jenny ready for school.

Rishi and I have been married for the past 15 years. Its been a successful marriage, if I might have to rate it. We get along well and apart from a few occasional misunderstandings, we were considered an ideal couple. I gave up my career after Jenny was born. Adi was 3 years then and I felt that my family needed me more than my job. I was not doing that great at it either. I was average and I had lost my interest in it too. Since then, my world had been Rishi, Adi and Jenny. I saw my happiness, success, failure and even my life in them. They loved me and this sufficed. There were times when I had felt extremely lonely and lost but I always knew that this was the life I had chosen for myself, out of my volition. I had forgotten who I used to be, my past and my own dreams in this quest for a happy present. And probably I never wanted to look back.

But today, I was compelled to walk down the aisle of my past. After Rishi and the kids left, I rushed back to look at that face in the paper. I had longed for this moment since morning. I wanted my private moment with this face. I had been secretly following his career and life too. But this particular coverage in the newspaper was something different. It was not just his dream, but mine too, to see him there.

The last time I had seen Abhinn was one week prior to my marriage. I was leaving for my home the next day. He was ideally supposed to meet me at my marriage but that night he surprised me by showing himself suddenly. He was standing there at my door without any luggage. Obviously it was the impulsive part of him!! Two years had brought us so close that we knew we had our share of best friendship and desired for no more. Not just our waking hours but our lives were also in sync with each other. We were both ambitious, fun loving and lived our life to the maximum. With him by my side, I never really cared about what others thought about us and neither did he. After those two blissful years, we had to separate to pursue our careers in different cities. But we were still in touch and nothing seemed to change. In fact the distance brought us more closer emotionally. I was doing good at my job but Abhinn wasn't satisfied with his. He wanted to do something bigger and better. We both motivated each other and despite a hard day at work, we always used to find solace when we talked to each other at the end of the day. Abhinn had a huge friend circle but he always managed to find time for me. We had never realized that it was more than friendship but we did manage to sign a bond agreeing that we would marry each other if we never got anyone as awesome as us in our lives. Marriage, traditions or the rest of the world didn't matter to us. We were so satisfied in our present that we never looked back or beyond.

After about two years of being in job, I was engaged to Rishi after a brief courtship period. Abhinn had helped me a lot in overcoming the entire episode of being cold feet about it. He had never met him though and for some reason, I never felt like talking about him to Rishi. I felt Abhinn was that part of my life which was only and only mine and I strived to guard it closely always. But my time was divided now. Initially Abhinn seemed to understand it but later, he seemed to get upset about it. He didn't say anything about it but I knew him. I just hoped time would better it and later he would also have someone in his life to share his life with. Things had begun to change between us. I was trying to follow the rules of being in a relationship with someone. Rishi was a great guy. He was understanding and loved me and most importantly he was the choice of my whole family. I tried to give the best of me to him and our relationship. The more I was getting closer to Rishi, the farther I was going from Abhinn. No matter how hard I tried in ignoring it, this fact was bothering me from inside. I missed my time with Abhinn. I missed my life with him and most importantly I missed him. Abhinn had got so busy in his life and career that I didn't bother him with the complexities of my mind then. It was almost 10 days that we hadn't talked to each other on phone except for a few occasional messages. I knew how serious he was about his career and so I accepted the hiatus. But that day his presence at my door steps was comforting and shocking at the same time. Even though I had wanted to see him so bad but somewhere deep down inside I knew why he was there. I ran and hugged him. He was busy but in figuring out his life and its direction all this while.

While sipping our late night coffee at Costa, we looked at each other with a passionate intent. Both of us did not speak a single word. The earlier fun had given way to a maturity so strange and unfamiliar that we wanted it to stop then and there. I had never seen him this way. I was attracted to him like never before. Somehow I knew I was meeting him for the last time this way. Things were bound to change after this. I wanted time to move no further.We sat still.It was time for the cafe to be closed and we had to return back to my flat. On our way back, Abhinn was weirdly silent and I did not dare break it. It was too late at night for him to go anywhere and so I broke the silence by asking him to come inside. He agreed and came inside my room. I asked him if he wanted something. He denied. He kept looking at me and finally asked

                                           "Do you still think we are just friends?"

I had no answer to this. I obviously knew it but I was a coward to accept the truth. Abhinn would never be accepted in my family. He was born to a Christian father and Hindu mother. Even though I knew deep down inside that he was the best for me, I did not have the courage to leave everything behind and never look back. I knew I would be the happiest with him and anyone else would just be a replacement for him, but not him. But all's in the time and the guts to follow your heart.

          I had tears in my eyes when I replied " I can't do it even though I want to do it. I am sorry."

He smiled and took me in his arms. I hugged him like never before and we both kept holding onto each other  in a bid to refute the time which was ahead of us. Before long, I could feel his lips on mine and I kissed him back with a stronger passion. I wanted more of him and the more closer we got, we knew how perfect we were for each other. That night was the last time I lived the actual "me". As I lied next to him on bed, I could sense the depth of his love. I realized how madly we were in love and I didn't just want to let go of him. I wished I could be with him forever. I wished a lot of things but I knew that I didn't deserve any of it. 

I woke up alone. He was gone and gone with him was that part of me which once upon a time defined me. It was time for me to head home to embark on a life I was not so happy to embark upon. He left no tangible memory of him but for a small post-it with the words "A part of you will always be with me." I burst into tears when I realized how I had lost him forever. I cried out loud but there was no one by my side. I had never felt this lonely before. I tried reaching on his cell but he had made up his mind never ever to look back. He was gone and as I went ahead with the life I had chosen for myself, he went farther and farther. He never married but I always kept wondering the other side of the coin which never won in the toss. Somehow I felt both of our lives were in similar boats but with different sailors. He chose to steer his and I outsourced mine.

My thoughts were disturbed by the ringer of my cell. It was Rishi. I answered.

" Sweetheart, whats up? Thinking of me? Missing me?"

After a brief pause, I answered "Yes. Of course."