Pixelated Life!

For some unknown reasons, I was in an euphoric mood today evening which got me to tune into some of the finest songs on my playlist and think about me! Well, I used to do it pretty religiously earlier until this madness called MBA happened to me. But its over and I am glad it is. Though it doesn't go onto say that I did not love the past two years but I missed a part of me which I am actually fond of.

I was trying to remotely understand myself this evening. Not that I was successful at it but yeah I could figure out a few things for myself. I realized that despite trying to be the Miranda of 'The Tempest' fame, I had failed at it miserably. I was far more flawed than I thought myself to be. Most of the times, I had settled down for something else than what I wanted. I am far far away from the things I had once listed as priorities in my notebook. Yes, I did have a notebook in which I had my entire life planned out leaving nothing to fate. Such was my arrogance! But today when I look back, I don't exactly regret too much. Rather I feel its a syndrome which most of us have and which I believe is the single most reason behind feeling depressed. I don't want to continue with it.

We tend to hype our lives for no apparent reason. We try to either live someone else's dreams or ours. It doesn't matter which is better. Either case, the probability of it failing makes us feel miserable. The fundamental flaw in balancing our needs and wants or duties and dreams lead to us to delusion. In my reckoning, you can view life from three aspects - over analyze it, analyze it or just explore it. This in turn stands true for our past, present or future respectively. I am not the right one to comment which view is better but I believe while we are busy doing this, our life's happening to us. 

I tried playing safe with my life for a long time because I wanted to satisfy my self-conceit. But it wasn't worth it. I did not end up where I wanted to. But in the past few years I have done a few things which even though I would never like to share with my kids, I still am glad I did it. Not because I am particularly proud of everything but because I know the feeling of being up there and knowing for myself the different shades of me. I do not hold onto a lot of things and I have been gifted with the trait of never looking back if I decide it to be but these experiments have actually gone a long way to refine me and my sensibility.

I still have a little bit of my life planned out yet again but this time I am open to the fact that I might lose again. But I am up for it. I want to experience the side that I deserve and don't just desire. Isn't this the difference between people who supposedly succeed in their lives and people who don't? I know that despite everything, hell won't break loose and I will still move on in my life. Don't judge me low on my confidence for this. But I want to stop having an idiosyncratic life and enjoy living an unpredictable one. I wish to harbour a sentiment that can accept my failures, my mistakes, my success, my experiments and my actions alike and lead me to an end of this single lifetime in the most ceremonious way ever. And I expect myself to stop kicking the football with the goal post in mind every single time.