Thoughts of the Past - XIII

31 years later

"Don't panic Aditi. Everything will be done. We still have a week left."

"Anand!!! There is so much left to do and you are not worried!! Its not a house party!!!" - cried Aditi.

"I know sweetheart!" - smiled Anand and hugged Aditi.

He continued- " It will just be the way you have dreamt of. I assure you. Now go and spend some time with her. She has been complaining of you not giving her time since the last 3 weeks."

Aditi looked up at Anand. She had tears in her eyes.

"Is she actually going to leave us? I can't believe she is getting married. Our little daughter..."

"Aditiii....Technically she left us much earlier when she went for her graduation. And all of us have been brought up this way. So stop being melodramatic now! You should be happy we are going to have an addition in the family". - said Anand and smiled.

"Hmmm. I just want Kavya to be happy and I hope Kabeer is the right guy for her."

"Aditi. We should have faith in our children's choices. Just the way we had in ours. "

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"Mom. It's too hot. Can we please get back inside the car?"

Rya took one more sip from her cup and looked smilingly at her son, who was bothered by the Indian Sun due to her insistence on having tea at a local betel shop. She always loved the tea from the stalls instead of the cafes. They seemed to have the perfect taste.

"Dad. Say something to Mom!!! I am sweating all over. Why can't we have it inside the car? I just don't get it." - cried Kartik.

Rishabh pat Kartik on his back and said "Your Mom loves India and the flavours it has. She got you here for the same reason. Try to experience India, as it is and you might fall in love with it just the way I fell in love with your Mom". He smiled and looked at Rya. She had already deep dived into her thoughts.

"I still don't get it. I am getting inside. Come soon." - said Kartik and ran towards the car.

"What happened Rya? Are you OK?" - asked Rishabh.

"Yeah. Yeah. I am fine. I just got lost. Stupid old memories, you know"- shrugged Rya.

"Where is Kartik? Lets go. Aditi must be waiting" - continued Rya and got up and walked towards the car. She didn't even look back.

Rishabh looked at her and knew it was HIS thoughts which had got Rya once again. He knew there was something Rya never shared with him. Even after this long! He had no complaints against her. She had never given him an opportunity to blame her for anything. She had given her best to the home, the family, to Karthik and to the marriage but not to Rishabh. After that trip back from India, Rya had changed completely. Even though he wanted her to reconsider the marriage, she was vehement on marrying him. Rishabh didn't understand her. He knew he had a happy family and a happy life but he also knew a part of Rya was never happy in it.

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"Rya!!!!!" - cried Aditi on opening the door and hugged her friend tightly.

There was happiness all around. Even though everyone knew each other, it was a different feeling to have met after a gap of 9 years. And for Kartik, he was meeting Aditi, Anand and Kavya for the first time. He had heard a lot about them though. Rya wanted Kartik to marry an Indian girl and so she insisted on Kartik attending the wedding, with the hope that Kartik would love the Indian culture. However, Kartik was least interested in the whole affair and he was counting his days to return back to home.

"Good morning Kartik!!" - greeted Kavya as she entered into Kartik's room next day morning.. Everyone else being busy with either the preparations or meeting after so long, Kavya found Kartik to be the only other person who was getting bored in this entire farce.

"Goood Morning Kavya! What are you doing here? Aren't you the bride?" - said Kartik.

"Aaah yeah...I am...but the wedding is after 6 days. I am getting bored. I am the special person but everyone here doesn't have time for me. Most importantly, my parents!!!" - said Kavya with a sigh.

"I thought I could spend some time with you. I am sure you are getting bored too." - added Kavya.

"Well its your wedding and I am taught not to be impolite. But yeah I am getting bored!! Big time!! I don't know people here and the heat along with the crowd. Its maddening." - said Kartik with a smile.

Kavya smiled. She was impressed with Kartik's candid nature.

"Hmm. Get ready! I will try to make your  India visit worthwhile. I will show you around." - said Kavya.

"Cool. Ummm...Kavya we are going in a AC car, right?" - asked Kartik.

"Nopes. We will get caught. I am not allowed to go outside. But I have something better than the car.Meet me near the rear gate."

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"Wow!This place is beautiful! Do you come here often?"- asked Kartik.

"Not now. But when I was small, I used to come here often. One of my uncles used to get me here. I loved those escapades. I had a lot of fun. We cycled, trekked and did crazy things.  My parents used to accompany me too. But as and when I grew up, I didn't find much time to come here." - said Kavya.

"Hmm. But this isn't very far from your place. How come its not so crowded?"

" People nowadays don't have much time for nature. Strange it is, but we always chase the mundane things of life, leaving behind the true beauties." - said Kavya with a hint of nostalgia.

"Thoughtful!! So tell me about Kabeer. How did you guys meet and all...."

Kavya and Kartik spent the whole day there, talking about their lives. The friendship their mothers shared had somehow trickled down the next generation as well. They wondered how well they got along and in such a short time. Around noon, Kavya got a call from Aditi but she was too smart to trick her mother to believe she was just around the corner and added that Kartik was with him too.

As they got up to leave, Kartik asked "K, where is that Uncle you used to come here with?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him since I left home for studies. I asked Mom too. But she hasn't heard from him either. I miss him. Back then, I didn't value his time, his care and his love. Today when I want him to be a part of the biggest day of my life, I am unable to find him. I truly wish if he could come back."

"Hmm. No phone number, email id of his?" - asked Kartik.

"Yeah. I have his email id. I mailed him quite many times. But he never replied. I wonder if he ever read any of those. I wonder if he is.."

"What's his name?" - interrupted Kartik.

"Ryan. Ryan Mehra."

(To be Continued...)

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Links to earlier posts:

Thoughts of the Past - I

Thoughts of the Past - II

Thoughts of the Past - III

Thoughts of the Past - IV

Thoughts of the Past - V

Thoughts of the Past - VI

Thoughts of the Past - VII

Thoughts of the Past - VIII

Thoughts of the Past - IX

Thoughts of the Past - X

Thoughts of the Past - XI

Thoughts of the Past - XII

Quote Challenge - Day 2

Continuing with the quote challenge; on Day 2, I would like to mention the above quote from George Orwell's famous novel 1984. I love this quote because despite being so simple, it conveys one of the most powerful messages for mankind.

How many times has an individual, who claims to be free, actually feels free to express his/her beliefs or opinion without feeling scared of the consequences? We are free as long as we can boldly speak of our beliefs. What we believe is what we conceive the truth to be. There has to be absolute freedom, in every form, for a human being, to feel free. Only then a state of true democracy prevails. For an Utopia to be born, the human mind has to be free from fear. Only when we think free, we act free. The rest is just what we want and how we want it to be.

Thank you Salvwi for nominating me for this.

Since I do not know a lot of bloggers, I nominate anybody and everybody from the blogger world to take up this challenge and write about their favourite quotes.

The 3 day Quote Challenge is all about:

1. Post one of your favourite quotes (different quote on each day) on three consecutive days. The quote can be from your favourite book, author or your own.
2. Nominate 3 bloggers with each post to challenge them.
3. Thank the blogger, who nominated you.

Quote Challenge - Day 1

I love quotes, especially the ones which befits the situation we are in at a point of time. It makes me believe somebody has gone through what I am currently going through and listening to his/her experience and wisdom is the finest way of inspiring myself. I feel I am a part of the journey, already traversed by a great soul.

On Day 1, I would like to mention the entire commencement speech by Steve Jobs at Stanford University (2005)as THE QUOTE which inspires me the most. I am sure all of you have come across it. If you haven't, I would sincerely urge you to do the same at the earliest. The lines, mentioned at the beginning of this post, are the ones which appeal the most to me in the entire address. I came across them while reading about Steve Jobs. Its been my favourite since then. In fact, I have a print out pinned to my cubicle wall which I religiously read to myself before I start work every single day.

These lines empower me. It reinforces the fact that we are the best masters of our self. It makes death look more like a milestone rather than a tombstone. Every time I read it, I feel like doing justice to my talent, my wishes, my knowledge, my ambition and my life. It stresses the fact that I am living my life for myself. Not for somebody else. It makes me fearless and resist the norm, if I know what's right and what's wrong. When I look at these lines, I also look at Steve and I feel he is speaking to me and only me and urging me to make that change in my life, which I have been postponing for no reason - logical or good enough. It frees me of the unwanted shackles holding onto me.

These lines, in fact the entire commencement address, has an utmost significance in my life. It has made me confident of the decisions I have taken till now and the ones I will ever take in future. It has made me tread on the career I wanted to and simultaneously leave behind everyone, who was illogical and dogmatic. Its not just a quote but a way of life for me.

Thank you Salvwi for nominating me for this wonderful challenge! I am fond of quotes and this opportunity gives me the perfect platform to write about the special ones. I have known you from quite a long time and reading your blogs just makes it better to know what goes on inside that creative mind of yours. I love your poems especially and the fact that you still pursue your writing passion so deeply inspires me to pursue mine.

Today I nominate Amit, Samparna and Amrita to take up this challenge. It has been a while since I read something on these lines from you guys.

The 3 day Quote Challenge is all about:

1. Post one of your favourite quotes (different quote on each day) on three consecutive days. The quote can be from your favourite book, author or your own.
2. Nominate 3 bloggers with each post to challenge them.
3. Thank the blogger, who nominated you.

My Greatest Fear

I fear not to have travelled the world less
Or be known more for my ignorance
Ignominy or poverty don't scare me either
Let alone loneliness, despair or sickness.

Break my trust, I shall feel low
Leave me and go, I will not follow
Love me less, I will love you more
Make me cry and I shall mature.

As long as I have the hope
Of meeting them someday somewhere
I am not afraid of life's game
Sometimes fair sometimes unfair

Facing my fear, I for sure abhor
It being a part of me, I just can't ignore.
Quite like every one here,
I too have my greatest fear.

Just can't lose the people I love and care for
And survive a life with no trace of before.

When they got to talk...

When my mind and my heart got to talking; the conversation went something like this:

Mind: Is it alright to be a no one amidst this chaos of career, fame, money and its ilk?

Heart :  Absolutely. Everything is unlimited. You can never have the bigger pie. Go for wisdom, love, health, spirituality and peace instead. Live content.

Mind: Should we always dream of the future and analyse the past?

Heart : Stop analysing. Keep dreaming. Whatever keeps you happy. Live in the moment.

Mind: Is it ideal to plan for everything in our life?

Heart: Don't be a coward. Face the uncertainties life offers you. That's the plan life's got for you.

Mind: Is it fine to disappoint people around us?

Heart: Perfectly. You are not you if you don't have a few disappointed relationships around you.

Mind: Should we start searching for our happiness in others happiness? 

Heart: Everybody is searching for their own share of happiness. You search for yours. If both of you meet, greet and walk on.

Mind: Is it stupid to display our emotion? Prove our feeling?

Heart: Where lies trust and genuineness, there is no need to prove. Displaying it or not depends on whether it makes you happy or not.

Mind: Fast is good. Affairs are bad. Silence is weakness. Travel.Save money. What else?

Heart: Do what you want to do. Nothing is good or bad. These are all views and you have yours too. You have no memory of your past life and you got just this one to live.

Mind: Thank you! It helped.

Heart: It was my opinion. You have your own. And that's the reason the person reading our conversation is so doomed.

One fine day...

It was more than six years since Myrah and Kabeer were married. They knew each other since under-grad and after a steady five year old relationship, decided to tie the knot with parents consent. The initial years of marriage were good, just as it is for any couple. But things started to fall apart gradually after the third year. Kabeer, unwillingly, left his well settled and comfortable job for a career in writing. He always wanted to be a writer but the constraints and expectations of domestic life had bound him in fetters. When Myrah supported him in this decision and convinced that there was no better time than then to do what he wanted to do, he left the reins of the house in the hands of Myrah completely. They knew the storm they were getting into but they were optimistic enough to beat it. They felt their love was enough but they underplayed the role their will power had to play in this journey of theirs.

Kabeer took to writing full time while Myrah continued with her job. She worked in a MNC and was earning enough to take care of the bills and rents, if not save a lot. This continued for a while until Myrah started falling sick frequently. She was diagnosed with CKD stage 5. Frequent dialysis and treatment ate up a significant part of their savings. Even though her company paid for the major part of it, their savings completely dried up by the end of her treatment. Things got a bit complicated when parents came into the picture. All of them were unaware of Kabeer being unemployed for over a year.While Kabeer's parents held Myrah responsible for the ongoing expenses, Myrah's parents questioned Kabeer's capability of earning.This unnecessary blame game between their parents forced them to ask their parents to leave them for good. 

After Myrah came back from hospital, Kabeer decided to leave his budding career for a company job. He felt it was better for Myrah to take rest for a while while he took care of the house. He knew that it would take him some time to get his works published and subsequently earn him the money. But neither did he have the time nor the patience then. Myrah didn't want him to but her physical condition and their financial position advised otherwise. She took a sabbatical for two years from her company and rested at home while Kabeer took to job hunt. But it wasn't easy to get a job after a career break, as opposed to what Kabeer or Myrah had thought. Entrepreneurship or a break to do something on your own doesn't always go down well with recruiters. Kabeer had a tough time to be employed back. Every job offer that he had in hand was offering him less than he deserved. His degree or his ego wasn't allowing him to accept it. In the meanwhile, their Provident Fund was their sole source of income. Their parents tried to help but Kabeer and Myrah have had enough. They simply refused and after a while due to their continued persistence, lied to them about Kabeer's job. Things did not improve even after a year. Kabeer was losing his confidence quicker than his PF. Their marriage had taken a toll too. Unemployment, lack of social life, tight budgets and every other negative sentiment had taken precedence over their love.

After another 6 months of continued failure at getting a job/pay of his satisfaction, Kabeer accepted the post of a junior executive in a small company. He felt it would put an end to the growing tensions between Myrah and him, at least temporarily. But he was wrong. Myrah wanted their marriage to move to the next level now. She wanted them to have a child. Kabeer was totally against it. He felt they were not fully prepared to entertain this decision for another year at least. Myrah tried to reason with him but in vain. In the meanwhile, her sabbatical was over by then and she had resumed her job recently. But the break had changed a lot of things for her at office, She did not get the recognition she used to get. There was a huge pressure on her in terms of working hours, commitments and travel at office. She was being treated as if she took a paid leave all this while. She wanted to start her career afresh but upon careful self-counselling, she felt she should get back to job after her maternity leave once and for all. In Kabeer's defense, he wanted a year to settle down properly. Their growing differences in decisions and willingness led to further crack in their marriage until one night when the blame game shifted to each other rather than anyone else. They exchanged heated words, glares with emotions welling up high on both sides and finally sleeping over the fight, unresolved.

Next day morning, Myrah left home for no specific destination. She felt life was too unfair to her. In her cognition, her dreams or her wishes weren't too ambitious to be denied to her. She felt her marriage which was until then her strongest pillar, was also crumbling down. Her failed attempts at motherhood further eroded her optimism about life.Nothing was going right. She didn't know what to do. She felt she wanted a break from everything to fix it all. Even from Kabeer.

 She walked and walked until she saw someone familiar standing in front of her, smiling at her and murmuring a few words too but her inner noise had submerged her into a calm unknown. Finally she was ousted out of her self.

"Hi Myrah.. How are you? Been a long time!!"- said she.

Myrah tried hard to recognize and the name almost came to her lips but she still could not remember.

"Myrah!!!!Myrah!!!"

"Anshiiiii!!! Where were you? How are you? You completely disappeared after college. I called you so many times. But you never picked up.What's up with you?" - cried out Myrah. 

She looked at Anshi as if the latter had come out of the ashes. Anshi smiled. Then they hugged each other tight.

"Let's go to the nearby cafe. I will answer each and every question of yours." - said Anshi.

Having ordered two cappuccinos, the two friends continued with their conversation...

Anshi, Myrah and Kabeer were engineering friends. While Myrah and Kabeer went ahead with further higher studies, Anshi joined a PSU. Despite being close friends, Anshi had distanced herself from Myrah after a few months of graduating from college. In fact she was not in contact with anyone. Anshi dated one of their batchmates, named Aariz during college. The fate of the relationship, being inter-religious, was unknown then. Aariz however married a girl from his own religion later. Kabeer and Myrah got to know it through social media. The relationship got over from that day for everyone else at least. 

Three cappuccinos got over, the sun too was about to retire but the two friends seemed to be there to think deep and conspire. Finally they asked for the cheque. While Myrah tried to pay for it, Anshi snatched it from her and smiled back saying "Let this one be on me". They hugged each other tight before bidding bye and when Myrah invited Anshi over to her place, Anshi told "Next Time. When life's better." They smiled at each other and headed in opposite directions.

On her way back, Myrah could not stop thinking. But this time it wasn't about her. All of a sudden, her life seemed good. Few things were not fair but they could all be set right. Everyone, she realized, had their own share of darkness. He/She who waited patiently for the sun might/will see the end of the night. There was no point trying to fix life. It will happen the way it is destined to. We can only fix ourselves and the way we chose to deal with it. She could not but help admire Anshi now.

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"My father opposed my marriage with Aariz. But I was stubborn too. I made it clear to my parents that I would not come home until they agreed to my marriage with him. Neither my parents took a step forward in this nor I. Initially my father and I would still talk to each other about everything else but for Aariz. Later, however, my father stopped talking to me. My mother told me that he was ill and that he wanted to see me. I did not believe them and accused them of emotionally blackmailing me. We stopped talking for about a year until one day I got to know that Aariz was getting married to someone else. I could not blame Aariz either. He had waited for me for more than 2 years, as promised. I had always decided to be true to both my loves - my parents and Aariz. So I decided never to marry and wished Aariz good luck for his future. I headed to home that day to tell my parents how their stubbornness had succeeded and yet failed. Upon reaching home, I found out that my father had expired seven months back. I didn't know what to do, what to prove and whom to prove. My ego, my pride, my decision - nothing mattered in the face of my father's death. Despite all this, my mother hugged me and probably cried far more than she had cried the day my father died."

"After six months, I married Kushal. It was a match arranged by my uncles and aunties. Kushal was from a well to do and good family. He was working in a software firm. I left my job to shift to a metro where he was working. My mother was happy for me and probably I was happy too, more for my mother than for myself. I felt I had undone the damage I did earlier to some extent by this marriage. But the truth was, I was indeed happily married. Kushal is a caring and loving husband and a good son too. We were blessed with a baby girl after 2 years of our marriage. Everyone and everything around us seemed to be happy and good. It was our daughter's first birthday and Kushal was returning from office that day to be with us for the celebrations. He met with a car accident. Fortunately he was saved but due to heavy injuries, he went into a coma. He still is in coma. I became a living corpse thereafter. I was unable to figure out why these things happened to me and only me. I started questioning everything in life. I went into a self-denial mode. But when my in laws put my baby girl in my laps, I found a sense of purpose in my life. I was living not only for myself but for others around me too. I grew optimistic about Kushal too. At least I can still sense his breath. I felt lucky against hundreds of others who had lost their kith and kin in this and other such accidents and mishaps. I hugged my baby girl tight and took her close to Kushal and made her touch against his forehead. It gave me a different sense of satisfaction and happiness."

" Ayushi is two years old now. Few days back, she was diagnosed with a condition in her heart for which she will have to use a VAD later in her life. I am not amazed. I have started counting my blessings before it becomes too few. Everything in our life is beyond our control, except for the state of our mind. Either I run away from it or I face it as it comes. The choice is mine. I still believe that I have good days ahead. If God had to take away Kushal and Ayushi from me, he would have done it earlier. He is just testing me. And I will patiently get tested with the hope that life gets better and fair."

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Myrah had reached home. She hurried towards the bedroom to find Kabeer. She had decided to hug him and tell him that "Everything will be all right Sweetheart. I am with you." There was a different glint in her eyes. The eyes of hope. She was happy after a long time. Strange it is, but sometimes we human beings, find our happiness amidst the turmoil of others. That again is life and we.

Finally she opened the door of her bed room and stood aghast. 

If only Kabeer met Anshi!

Afterglow

Thought life was about walking her dreams
Decided to travel and take the lead
Met her favourite people on way
But she left them behind instead

There was music in the air
There was beauty everywhere
But she set for the loneliness ahead
In search of success and her rightful share

The journey was long
But companions very few
Up at the top
It wasn't the utopia
She had in view

There were trees without leaves
Meadows without flowers
Seemed to be the land for the old
With no liveliness anywhere

A hand touched her from behind
Asking 'Young Lady, why are you here?"
She looked ahead, she looked behind
'Success' - she knew was the answer

But was she happy? Was she sad?
Was the destination worth her pain?
What seemed like a dream was finally an illusion
Of success and ambition in vain

The journey she traversed so fast
Had an equal amount of happiness and sorrow
But living it in its rightful time and measure
Was the right way to upgrow

Success is not the end, happiness is
So walk together and run slow
Love, Laugh and Live
Because life also has an afterglow!

Roobaroo with you

A year has passed since I wrote my last blogpost. Not that I was unaware of it, but I wasn't trying enough to do anything about it either. Quite a number of times, a few of my friends have even coerced me to write. But I was simply lazy and very conveniently I put the blame on life being busy. So here I am, finally, after a brief (lol) hiatus with updates of my life and a promise to write a blogpost soon.

For those of you who do not know and for those of you who know (let me say again), I got married last December. Life's been different since then, if not by pounds, but by ounces. We started our married life with 4 trolleys. It took a while to finally settle down, but thanks to the financing schemes available, we could finally have a decent home after months of planning and shopping. A harsh winter and the fact that we were both in the first year of our jobs made it tough for us. But now when we look back, we feel there is nothing better than setting up your own home. The sense of accomplishment is tough to be expressed.

Many friends and colleagues have always asked me about how different married life is. Rather, if I have to reframe the question, it is about the significance of marriage, its justification (sometimes) and its sustainability (most of the times). To be frank, I am not the right person to answer it. Probably we should ask our parents about the way they did it. But then most of us feel that there is huge generation gap which explains the patience and trust in their marriages. Well, if you still ask me, my answer is - So far its been good, Really really good. I would lie if I say that nothing changes. Things do change. Life changes too, but for good. There is a different happiness when you share your life with someone. Dating is significantly different from being married. The fact that somebody is waiting for you at home wipes away all the stress at workplace or anywhere else.Loneliness, however fancy or philosophical it may look like, is welcome only for guest appearances. Permanence of any nature kills you. Family, friends and relatives - everyone is important but when you think of the single most person who is going to be affected the most when you die, you realize how important your life partner is. People get cold feet of the compromises marriage brings forth. But its a compromise as long as you think it to be. If you are logical, you will understand that two people brought up in two different surroundings can only gel when there is a third different surrounding. And that third different surrounding happens when you take one step ahead and he/she takes the another.This makes the journey worthwhile. Marriage is good as long as you want and think it to be. Its not just about love, but also about trust and respect. If you are not proud of your spouse, you are not happy about your marriage. So don't get married because you have to, but because you want to and make it happen with the person you can commit to.

Well, that was a long lecture on marriage. Not my fault. You guys asked me so many times. So I had to pen it down. Now coming back to my life, I have bounced back from the initial hiccups of settling down. Job has been good but definitely not brilliant. I wonder how many of us would agree to the latter. Every other person I meet is either shifting his/her job or dissatisfied about his/hers. So I have left wondering about it unless I am frustrated enough to work on my CV over a weekend. I have not been keeping well for the entire summer too. But now I am better and hopeful of the approaching winter. Taken to my old fond habit of reading books and blogs. Travel plans are on the cards. And most importantly, resumed writing and I promise you I shall be back with a post soon. Till then, have a great weekend ahead! And nice talking to you after a long time :) 

Essential Living

Someday you will understand my denial
Someday you will realize the abyss of my silence
Someday you will be at ease with my whims
Someday you might just feel my absence

Someday you will miss the togetherness
Someday you will long for my emotion
Someday you will pine for true love
Someday you might just be an option

You never travelled the path of my pain
You could not choose yours on your own
I wrote my fate, painted my future
Bearing the fruits of the seeds I had sown

Reasons never matter, times do
Life, people say is never without ado
I laugh at my innocence, risen much above
Learnt for sure, life's not just about hurt or love!

Amitie

4:15 am. Mumbai. 16th March '13.

I always make it a point to make memories - good ones, when I am about to leave a place. Mumbai being my favourite, 15th had to be special and it was. I had spent it with people who had made Mumbai worthwhile for me. But that moment when I left my room, my hostel and finally my campus - I was speechless. The journey right from the steps of my hostel till my flight took off had flashes of everything - right from day one at SP till then and with no one else but with the person who was accompanying me to see off. As we sat there in the taxi, neither of us dared to break the vow of silence between us. On any normal day, we had so much to talk about, fight upon or share with. But these 20 - 25 minutes was different. There was no need to say anything. Everything stood understood. I have always found it extremely difficult to bid bye but this time, it was tough to escape it with him being adamant enough to see me off.  He was the one person who had been with me during the best of my times, worst of it and of course all the times in between in the past two years. He knew the part of me which I myself knew not of. He had made me realize that it was okay to be imperfect. He was the guy I could rely on - any time, anywhere and on anything. He came with a lot of imperfections but probably that's why we were so good together because I was the same too. I have always believed that four to five people make a real difference to your lives in a single life span in the relationship called friendship. I wasn't sure if I have had my plate full as yet but he definitely had made it to the list.

Memories are strange. No matter the form they are, they make you cry. But we seemed to have a pact against it that day. We had reached the airport by then. Time seemed to fly but there was no point in expecting it to delay either. Our college lives had come to an end and we had to accept it. But it was painful. I accept it.I have had so many memories etched with this place and the people in it that it was tough for me to let it go. I hugged him for the first time on the last day of our journey together. And then I went ahead without looking back. I was too weak to see his face. I checked in and moved towards security. I got a call from him. He was in tears. And he was talking. I had nothing to say but for the tears. He talked incessantly of the times we spent together, the friendship we lived and the phase of our life which we would never get back. He talked about everything which I already knew but never felt the necessity to let him know. I was listening to him and I felt he should keep talking because I didn't have the strength to do so. It was the toughest stretch of walk that I had ever walked. But I didn't want to hang up. I wanted to listen to him.

Unfortunately the pilot was in no mood to entertain our sentiment. We were ready for take off and I finally had to intervene in the monologue saying that I was leaving. As I hung up the phone, I burst into tears with no regards for what the people around me thought of.The farther I went from him, that city and all the people in it - the closer I was getting to its memories. It wasn't easy but I let myself open to all the hurt and pain because sometimes it feels right to suffer for the right reasons. And there can never be any reason as worthy as that of friendship, especially the ones we live for!

Carpe Diem!

Sealed Lips

I used to believe that words have the greatest power but with time I have come to realize that silence has its own way of being understood too. There is a disclaimer attached to it though - either the person you are speaking to doesn't matter at all or matters to you the most.

Personally, I have preferred to stay silent in some important conversations of my life. While I have always contemplated if I should have voiced my opinion then, the conviction that its outcome was supposedly better than what could have happened has always stopped me from speaking. 

Silence lets us handle the uncertainties in our lives. It lets the other person commit mistakes and understand the situation better. It lets circumstances speak for themselves. It has its own beauty of showing our disagreement too. But most importantly it also stands for acquiescence. Every single permutation and combination of it simply depends on the person it is targeted at. Either he understands it or doesn't but the purpose is not always served.

The probability of being misunderstood is the greatest liability of staying silent. 

But we still practice it. 

The fact that we have multiple choices in our lives and we are so unsure of choosing the supposedly right alternative that we resort to the one having multiple interpretations is the only logical explanation for our sealed lips.

Pixelated Life!

For some unknown reasons, I was in an euphoric mood today evening which got me to tune into some of the finest songs on my playlist and think about me! Well, I used to do it pretty religiously earlier until this madness called MBA happened to me. But its over and I am glad it is. Though it doesn't go onto say that I did not love the past two years but I missed a part of me which I am actually fond of.

I was trying to remotely understand myself this evening. Not that I was successful at it but yeah I could figure out a few things for myself. I realized that despite trying to be the Miranda of 'The Tempest' fame, I had failed at it miserably. I was far more flawed than I thought myself to be. Most of the times, I had settled down for something else than what I wanted. I am far far away from the things I had once listed as priorities in my notebook. Yes, I did have a notebook in which I had my entire life planned out leaving nothing to fate. Such was my arrogance! But today when I look back, I don't exactly regret too much. Rather I feel its a syndrome which most of us have and which I believe is the single most reason behind feeling depressed. I don't want to continue with it.

We tend to hype our lives for no apparent reason. We try to either live someone else's dreams or ours. It doesn't matter which is better. Either case, the probability of it failing makes us feel miserable. The fundamental flaw in balancing our needs and wants or duties and dreams lead to us to delusion. In my reckoning, you can view life from three aspects - over analyze it, analyze it or just explore it. This in turn stands true for our past, present or future respectively. I am not the right one to comment which view is better but I believe while we are busy doing this, our life's happening to us. 

I tried playing safe with my life for a long time because I wanted to satisfy my self-conceit. But it wasn't worth it. I did not end up where I wanted to. But in the past few years I have done a few things which even though I would never like to share with my kids, I still am glad I did it. Not because I am particularly proud of everything but because I know the feeling of being up there and knowing for myself the different shades of me. I do not hold onto a lot of things and I have been gifted with the trait of never looking back if I decide it to be but these experiments have actually gone a long way to refine me and my sensibility.

I still have a little bit of my life planned out yet again but this time I am open to the fact that I might lose again. But I am up for it. I want to experience the side that I deserve and don't just desire. Isn't this the difference between people who supposedly succeed in their lives and people who don't? I know that despite everything, hell won't break loose and I will still move on in my life. Don't judge me low on my confidence for this. But I want to stop having an idiosyncratic life and enjoy living an unpredictable one. I wish to harbour a sentiment that can accept my failures, my mistakes, my success, my experiments and my actions alike and lead me to an end of this single lifetime in the most ceremonious way ever. And I expect myself to stop kicking the football with the goal post in mind every single time.

Stones and Gravel

I looked at the newspaper as if I was seeing myself in it. Its true that I always dreamt of being there but unfortunately it wasn't me today. It was my shadow there. Someone who knew me more than myself. Someone who didn't need to be familiar or an effort to be recognized even after a thousand years of loneliness. 

"Isn't he from your batch? Did you guys know each other?" - asked Rishi.

I fumbled while answering but managed with a " Yeah. He used to be with us but apart from a few hi-byes, we hardly talked. He used to be the loner kinds..you know..."

"Hmm. I have been following his career for some time now and to tell you the truth, I am impressed with him.   Shikha, you should have also pursued your career. You would have done good to yourself. I have seen that potential in you."

I smiled and said " I am fine with where I am. You are there na."

Rishi smiled back and kissed me on my forehead saying " I still feel you were not meant for this. But I love you for what you are. And nothing else matters to me." He folded the newspaper and went to take his shower. I went ahead to get Adi and Jenny ready for school.

Rishi and I have been married for the past 15 years. Its been a successful marriage, if I might have to rate it. We get along well and apart from a few occasional misunderstandings, we were considered an ideal couple. I gave up my career after Jenny was born. Adi was 3 years then and I felt that my family needed me more than my job. I was not doing that great at it either. I was average and I had lost my interest in it too. Since then, my world had been Rishi, Adi and Jenny. I saw my happiness, success, failure and even my life in them. They loved me and this sufficed. There were times when I had felt extremely lonely and lost but I always knew that this was the life I had chosen for myself, out of my volition. I had forgotten who I used to be, my past and my own dreams in this quest for a happy present. And probably I never wanted to look back.

But today, I was compelled to walk down the aisle of my past. After Rishi and the kids left, I rushed back to look at that face in the paper. I had longed for this moment since morning. I wanted my private moment with this face. I had been secretly following his career and life too. But this particular coverage in the newspaper was something different. It was not just his dream, but mine too, to see him there.

The last time I had seen Abhinn was one week prior to my marriage. I was leaving for my home the next day. He was ideally supposed to meet me at my marriage but that night he surprised me by showing himself suddenly. He was standing there at my door without any luggage. Obviously it was the impulsive part of him!! Two years had brought us so close that we knew we had our share of best friendship and desired for no more. Not just our waking hours but our lives were also in sync with each other. We were both ambitious, fun loving and lived our life to the maximum. With him by my side, I never really cared about what others thought about us and neither did he. After those two blissful years, we had to separate to pursue our careers in different cities. But we were still in touch and nothing seemed to change. In fact the distance brought us more closer emotionally. I was doing good at my job but Abhinn wasn't satisfied with his. He wanted to do something bigger and better. We both motivated each other and despite a hard day at work, we always used to find solace when we talked to each other at the end of the day. Abhinn had a huge friend circle but he always managed to find time for me. We had never realized that it was more than friendship but we did manage to sign a bond agreeing that we would marry each other if we never got anyone as awesome as us in our lives. Marriage, traditions or the rest of the world didn't matter to us. We were so satisfied in our present that we never looked back or beyond.

After about two years of being in job, I was engaged to Rishi after a brief courtship period. Abhinn had helped me a lot in overcoming the entire episode of being cold feet about it. He had never met him though and for some reason, I never felt like talking about him to Rishi. I felt Abhinn was that part of my life which was only and only mine and I strived to guard it closely always. But my time was divided now. Initially Abhinn seemed to understand it but later, he seemed to get upset about it. He didn't say anything about it but I knew him. I just hoped time would better it and later he would also have someone in his life to share his life with. Things had begun to change between us. I was trying to follow the rules of being in a relationship with someone. Rishi was a great guy. He was understanding and loved me and most importantly he was the choice of my whole family. I tried to give the best of me to him and our relationship. The more I was getting closer to Rishi, the farther I was going from Abhinn. No matter how hard I tried in ignoring it, this fact was bothering me from inside. I missed my time with Abhinn. I missed my life with him and most importantly I missed him. Abhinn had got so busy in his life and career that I didn't bother him with the complexities of my mind then. It was almost 10 days that we hadn't talked to each other on phone except for a few occasional messages. I knew how serious he was about his career and so I accepted the hiatus. But that day his presence at my door steps was comforting and shocking at the same time. Even though I had wanted to see him so bad but somewhere deep down inside I knew why he was there. I ran and hugged him. He was busy but in figuring out his life and its direction all this while.

While sipping our late night coffee at Costa, we looked at each other with a passionate intent. Both of us did not speak a single word. The earlier fun had given way to a maturity so strange and unfamiliar that we wanted it to stop then and there. I had never seen him this way. I was attracted to him like never before. Somehow I knew I was meeting him for the last time this way. Things were bound to change after this. I wanted time to move no further.We sat still.It was time for the cafe to be closed and we had to return back to my flat. On our way back, Abhinn was weirdly silent and I did not dare break it. It was too late at night for him to go anywhere and so I broke the silence by asking him to come inside. He agreed and came inside my room. I asked him if he wanted something. He denied. He kept looking at me and finally asked

                                           "Do you still think we are just friends?"

I had no answer to this. I obviously knew it but I was a coward to accept the truth. Abhinn would never be accepted in my family. He was born to a Christian father and Hindu mother. Even though I knew deep down inside that he was the best for me, I did not have the courage to leave everything behind and never look back. I knew I would be the happiest with him and anyone else would just be a replacement for him, but not him. But all's in the time and the guts to follow your heart.

          I had tears in my eyes when I replied " I can't do it even though I want to do it. I am sorry."

He smiled and took me in his arms. I hugged him like never before and we both kept holding onto each other  in a bid to refute the time which was ahead of us. Before long, I could feel his lips on mine and I kissed him back with a stronger passion. I wanted more of him and the more closer we got, we knew how perfect we were for each other. That night was the last time I lived the actual "me". As I lied next to him on bed, I could sense the depth of his love. I realized how madly we were in love and I didn't just want to let go of him. I wished I could be with him forever. I wished a lot of things but I knew that I didn't deserve any of it. 

I woke up alone. He was gone and gone with him was that part of me which once upon a time defined me. It was time for me to head home to embark on a life I was not so happy to embark upon. He left no tangible memory of him but for a small post-it with the words "A part of you will always be with me." I burst into tears when I realized how I had lost him forever. I cried out loud but there was no one by my side. I had never felt this lonely before. I tried reaching on his cell but he had made up his mind never ever to look back. He was gone and as I went ahead with the life I had chosen for myself, he went farther and farther. He never married but I always kept wondering the other side of the coin which never won in the toss. Somehow I felt both of our lives were in similar boats but with different sailors. He chose to steer his and I outsourced mine.

My thoughts were disturbed by the ringer of my cell. It was Rishi. I answered.

" Sweetheart, whats up? Thinking of me? Missing me?"

After a brief pause, I answered "Yes. Of course."

So long...

It isn't always love at first sight. Sometimes when we meet someone for the first time, we never realize how important that person might become in our life later. Its just a probability and it is justified because we do meet a lot of people. But 'distance' does that magic to us - to cognize if that person actually made a difference to our life? My story is no different. With every single day of our being not together, I understood how much we were meant for each other. All that I am holding onto today is our memories - memory indeed is a funny thing. It gives you an irreplaceable sadistic pleasure.

When I first met him, I hated him. To be precise, I was indifferent to him. I was perfectly in love with someone else. I had my so called 'ideal' love story with my ex. I was in sync with my life. Family approved it and so did everyone else around us. I always wanted to play the role of being the 'ideal' everywhere and so it never bothered me to understand if I really wanted it. I just took whatever came my way and for this person - I had gone to my extreme ends to be together. He was the perfect gentleman. So this new change in my life- I don't think if I was really prepared for it. 

My indifference was grounded on a lot of reasons - he was messed up, suffocating and too plaintive. But what I hated about him was the extreme shades of his personality. At one instance, he would be so full of life, so ambitious and so gorgeous while there were times when I would see this 'troubled' part of him - selfish, lonely, hypocritic and of course too dark. I never bothered to understand him in the initial few days of our meet. For me it was just a matter of time and this too would pass. I always waited to go back to my ex. But this guy had a huge ego. He was loved by way too many people to let go of this pride of his.He wanted me too. He knew I was a tough one at that probably. But he still did try in his own unique way by letting time and natural instinct decide.

He scored his maiden with my first monsoon experience at Marine Drive. It was one of those evenings when I just wanted to be by myself and my thoughts. Even though I was with a lot of people that evening, I did manage to find my own little fairy of solitude. He was with us too. He managed to evince that cheer from all of them but with me, I was sceptical. I probably didn't want him to influence me with his charm. But I lost it to him that day - partially. He gave me a hug I will never ever forget, without saying anything. His touch and his feel was enough for me to break the facade of 'unwillingness' towards him. I befriended him that night on our way back as we sped past in my first ever local train trip. With time, I got to know him better and his multifaceted personality which once upon a time I detested had begun to attract me. His pace was fast and he never slowed him. He taught me how to fight back failure straight at its face. At times I thought he was too caught up with the rat race but I was wrong. He had this unusual degree of access built around him. It depended if he wanted to be caught up or just put a brake right there. He just knew it right - all the time. I was in awe of his fierce independence and stormy freedom.

With him, I explored this other side of me which even though I was aware of, did not want it to be known. I started living life for myself, did things I thought was impossible earlier and most of all I was fearless of what others thought about me because he had instilled in me just this one thought - you don't deserve to be judged by those who care for you and for the rest, it doesn't ever matter. His tall lofty aims helped me see my own dream and pursue big. He was simple and yet so elegant in his own way. His rough nature didn't seem to bother me anymore. In fact I loved him for that because life wasn't always supposed to be so velvety all the time. There was a different sense of accomplishment with him. I felt so complete and so grown up with him. The maturity he evoked in me - I am in love with myself today for that.

It was pretty late when I realized how much he had grown up on me. I had broken up with my ex and very comfortably moved on. In fact when I last visited my past,  I was happy for the past memoirs but I didn't miss him as much. My present was way too better and I knew I would finally settle here. But this guy had an insatiable greed in him to make every single soul fall in love with him. There was one thing I had not realized till now about him though- he was just like the running water. He never settled down with anyone. He kept making a difference to every new girl/guy on his path and left them with no choice but admiring him and longing for him. For me, it was a life changing experience and I am not mad at him for what he did to me. Because I left him - out of compulsion. But I still am madly in love with him as much as I miss him because I know I have lived my life with him and will never find someone as awesome as him.

(For those of you who have been thinking who the guy is - he is none other than 'Mumbai' who I chose over my ex - 'Bangalore.' You ought to give it the time it deserves to make you fall in love truly madly and deeply with him.)

Winter Musings...

Day 1

Sometimes it takes years to decide what or who you really want and sometimes its just a few moments! But at the end, its always worth it coz you know you were meant for it. Such is life!

Day 2

Intentional silence has the deepest conversation buried within but only reason sees it through.

Think!

Most of our discussions are based on relationships, isn't it? It is the single most pampered entity among friends, especially close ones. It enjoys a lot of hype and even though I hate to say it, but it does affect me and it definitely rules my thoughts when I allow myself to be sad.

So, what exactly have I got to say today? Feelings? Commitment? Breakup? Togetherness? Not really. I think I should write about the root cause of all these - Expectations!Yes, I believe expectations are behind the success and failure of any relationship. Pardon me for my words. I know there never can be success or failure in a relationship but what I meant by it is the probability of two people ending up together as per their commitment at some point of time in their life.

I don't know what a guy expects. But I believe a girl looks for her best friend in her life partner.She wants someone who accepts her for what she is without any judgement. She wants someone who accepts her mistakes, her follies, her silliness, her stubbornness with a greater heart.Someone who can understand her silence, her loudness,her tears and her smiles with a difference. She doesn't seek a highly qualified person always nor does she want a rich beau to confide in. She seeks the shoulders of someone when she feels tired of switching among the myriad roles she has been playing or has to continue playing throughout her life. She admires the person who likes her without the heavy makeup. She respects the person who respects her thoughts, her ideals and her most importantly. She wants to spend the rest of her life with the person who can forgive her for what she did. She likes being led by him and being taken care of . She wants him to understand why she cannot see him with another girl. She wants him to know that even though she doesn't say it often but she envisions an entire life with him when she commits.

So the next time, you feel that you haven't understood your girl or would never understand, try to think over. You haven't tried enough.Because once you do, you cannot possibly ever get anyone who understands you better or a life partner like her.

The Dots

They do not connect any more. They hold no meaning now. Strange it is but time makes the unthinkable happen. You do not realize how you yourself become numb. There were times when feelings held a strong meaning but with time, they have become a weakness. It would be wrong to say it doesn't matter any more. Else I would not be writing this post right now when I have a thousand other things going on in my head. I don't know whose fault it is. But maturity brings in such a ego which is hard to surmount. At times I ponder who has changed. We or the times we live. 

Thoughts of the Past - XII

Rya got married to Rishabh. The newlywed couple had decided to spend one month in India before leaving for States where both of them had their jobs. Aditi and Anand were a part of the celebration. Aditi did not bring up Ryan's topic in front of Rya. They did not know if Ryan was invited to the marriage or even knew about it. Ryan was a frequent visitor to their house but they never discussed Rya. Occasionally when Ryan used to get drunk heavily, he cursed himself. He had not been involved with anyone since last winter. He had not been performing well at his job either. He had got two demotions in consecutive appraisals. He looked prematurely old. He had tried hard to forget Rya and had deleted every other memory of her which he had with him except for the one photo which featured both of them while at college. She looked immensely cute in that. In solitude, this lone photo was his best friend. Ryan would stare at it endlessly and then smile before putting it back in his wallet.

After marriage, Rya had very less time to spend with Aditi and Anand. She was busy with her new family and family members. She had met Aditi only at the wedding. She wanted to meet her before leaving India. Rishabh had a lot of work and so he was unable to accompany Rya to Aditi's place. Rya went alone. Aditi was happy to see her friend at her door. Rya looked beautiful. Her face had that enviable marital glow. Rya hugged her. She had two days with her to spend at Aditi’s. Rya always felt good with Aditi beside her.

“So you are never going to come back to India?” – asked Aditi.

“As of now, we do not have any such plans. May be in future, we will rethink.” – said Rya

.

“What about Uncle and Auntie? How are they doing?”

“They have become masters in that art Aditi. Nowadays I do not even think of it. If they are at peace with their lives, I do not have a problem with that. After all, we all have had compromised in our lives at some point of life or the other Aditi” – said Rya and stood up and went near the window. She stared at the sky.

“Are you not happy with your marriage Rya?”

“Were you not happy with Vishal?” – said Rya.

“It was different Rya. I had nothing in my hands. I was a puppet in the hands of fate. I always tried doing my duty – as someone’s daughter, as someone’s love, as someone’s wife, as someone’s widow and finally when I was tired of living for others, I lived for myself.”

“But what did you do to yourself? To Ryan? To Rishabh? “– continued Aditi.

“You had to take your own decision Rya and why do u term it a compromise now?”

Rya looked back at Aditi and smiled.

“You cannot afford to be morally wrong while taking a decision for three lives Aditi. I would have been glad had I had an ethically corrupt conscience. None of us were wrong in what we went through. If I look back at it now, the only two people who could have been wrong are definitely Ryan and me-for the time frames when we confessed our feelings for each other. But why would I punish Rishabh for this? I did not have the strength to do it Aditi. I can live an entire life without the person I still think of but I will not be able to survive a day without feeling guilty for the person who has loved me so sincerely.”

Aditi was silent. She knew even she would do it. She hugged Rya and cried.

“Rishabh is a nice guy Aditi. I do love him but I cannot escape Ryan’s memories and that is the reason why I do not want to come back to India right now. It has not been easy for me – ever” – said Rya and hugged Aditi tightly.

Rya spent her two days at Aditi’s nicely. The two friends did not discuss anything serious after that eventful conversation on the first day. Anand used to join them over lunches and dinners. Aditi surprised Rya with her plans of having a baby within a year. Rishabh had come to take Rya with him. They were flying back in a week’s time.

It was time to bid bye to her friends. Rya was doing her final packing before leaving Aditi’s. Anand had taken Rishabh with him to show the place around. Aditi was in the kitchen preparing tea. The door bell rang. Aditi asked Rya to open the door because she was busy. Rya opened the door. It was the milkman. She received the milk pack and was about to close the door when she noticed that familiar face at the gate. It took her a moment to realize that it was Ryan. He looked awful. He stared at her without his eyes blinking even for a second. He stood perplexed. Rya could not take her eyes off him either. A million of emotions surged past her mind. Neither of them walked towards each other or away from each other. It seemed they had a lot to say to each other but they did not speak to each other. The distance between them was so less yet they were so far. Ryan took out his phone and captured that final memory of Rya in his camera lens forever. He smiled at Rya and left. Rya stood still. She knew she was not going to see Ryan for an indefinite period of time. That chapter of her life had been closed.

(To be Continued...)  

Thoughts of the Past - XI

Rishabh and Rya had met at the University library.

It wasn't love at first sight for either of them. Rishabh was the kind of guy whom every girl/girl's parents would approve of. He was decent, intelligent, unassuming and perfectly successful in life. Though he had a huge friend circle, he never had any interest in any girl. He liked Rya's perspective on things. At the library, they both had met over the same book " We-The Living". But since there was only one copy left, both of them came to a mutual agreement. The person who could justify Kira's stand could take the novel with him/her. Intellectually, both of them were amazing analysts. After three long hours of vehement discussion, they could not come to a conclusion still. Finally, Rishabh offered Rya to have the novel. Rya took it, kept it back on the shelf and then smiled back at him while leaving the library. That night, she received a friendship request on Facebook. She accepted. Facebook chats gave away to exchanging of gmail ids and then to phone numbers. Relationship status changed from "Single" to "It's Complicated" and then to "In a Relationship". Their relationship assured them of sleepless nights but also of dreamy days. It was a decision taken by mature minds and they meant it letter by letter. This winter, they had come to India to give their relationship a new meaning. Rishabh's parents liked Rya instantly and Rishabh was a definite winner at Rya's home. The wedding was supposed to take place this winter itself but Rya wanted to finish her PhD before getting married. Rishabh respected her decision and everyone agreed to have it next year. 

Rya had decided to move on and never look back at Ryan or anything related to him after Rishabh happened to her. She was pretty successful at that except for lonely nights when Ryan's memories haunted her.She did not know why it happened to her. She had all the reasons to love Rishabh and hate Ryan. But she had no control over her subconscious. Rishabh was the best thing that had happened to her. He loved her effortlessly and he was everything that Ryan wasn't to her. Two years helped her to forget Ryan consciously but this winter spoiled it all. She did not want that confession from him. She did not want him in her life.

After leaving India, she did not write to anyone in India for a long time. Rishabh did not understand the change in her either. She was indifferent to him at times and took refuge in the stress of the Phd course as her excuse. She did not say anything to anyone. Rishabh wasn't too naive for all this. He knew about Ryan. He waited for a considerable point of time for Rya to come back to her usual self. But sensing her emotional confused self, he asked her to reconsider their relationship. She did not tell anything to him. She just looked at him and saw the most calm expression on his face ever.

Aditi received a mail from Rya after about eleven months. She read it. She was silent. She forwarded it to Anand. She did not know if Ryan should know it from her or from Rya herself. She knew Rya was right this time but she did not want her to be right. Some relationships were bound to fail, and destiny ensured it. Having seen the worse part of it herself, she just shed a tear as she closed her Inbox. 

The subject of the first mail read "Our Wedding Invitation" and it was signed by Rya and Rishabh.

(To be Continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - X

15 minutes had past and not a single word had been spoken. For years, Ryan was not close to Rya either geographically or emotionally but all of a sudden, she seemed to be far far away from him. His right on her no longer seemed justified. He had never felt this hollowness before. In his run for friendship, he lost love. There were many things he wished to undo now but he just could not. With time, relationships change but he did not wish this to happen. The thought of seeing Rya with someone else tortured him. Rya was not any other girl. He had been in love with her for the past eight years. It was difficult to forget each and every memory of her. The pangs of loneliness killed him.

She did not anticipate this. She had taken a long time to move on and she was still not sure if she was completely over him. In front of her sat the guy whom she had loved profoundly,for years.He was her first love. Had this particular day happened a few years before, she would have been the happiest person but today, she did not know if it happened for good or bad.She wanted to hit him hard. She knew she belonged to someone else now. She was happy. She did not want all of this. To love someone and then be loved back was the best that could happen to anyone but when time frames are different, it is hell. She wished Ryan never told her.She loved someone else too.She hated Ryan for being a coward. She hated him for his mask of lies. She had many questions to ask Ryan but right now,only one seemed worthy. She liked the way Ryan kept looking at her when she did not look at him since college, but today, it seemed uncomfortable. She broke the silence finally.

"What took you so many years?"

"I don't know but does it really matter ?" - said Ryan.

" Yes it does. You have hurt me Ryan, not once but twice. I don't think you have the right to do this to me. It was not easy to forget you and now when I have, you don't let me to."

"You think its easy for me? Rya, I did not want to lose you as a friend. I was afraid. You have been the only one for me all these years. Had I known that there was someone else in your life, I would not have  come back to you.Forgive me for this but I have loved you too much to hurt you - even in my dreams."

"You are a coward Ryan and I am so glad I am not with you." - said Rya with disgust and stood up to leave.

" One final question Rya" - said Ryan and looked towards Rya expectantly.Rya looked back.

"Are you over me?May be we can work this out - together".

"I don't want to Ryan. Not because someone else loves me but because even I do."

Rya left.

Ryan was blank.The world didn't seem a friendly place.He wanted to run away from everyone. He had fallen in love with solitude instantly.He did not want to meet anyone. He missed Rya badly. He wanted to escape from everyone.He realized what he had lost only after he did.

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Aditi and Anand's Marriage Ceremony

They tied the knot. Aditi and Anand were formally husband and wife. Legalizing a relationship had a beautiful meaning. They looked happy, after years. It was not just any happiness. There was a sense of accomplishment which nothing could replace.Rya and Ryan were also present but as two strangers who had never met before. Occasionally their eyes met but it was unnerving. Rya tried to avoid Ryan but he did not want to. He wanted to confront her and he knew not why. He still wanted to believe that she would come back to him. Illusions were projections of what we want to happen and Ryan wanted to drown himself in it.

The next day, Rya left for airport.Rya did not tell Aditi anything about Ryan. She did not want to spoil her best day.Aditi and Anand accompanied her to the airport.Aditi hugged her and wished her good luck.At the final call of departure, Rya looked towards Aditi and said "Take care of Ryan. He needs you and Anand".She had tears in her eyes when she said this but before anyone could ask her anything, she left and never looked back.

Aditi and Anand did not understand it but as they came out of the airport, they found Ryan standing outside, lost and forlorn.Suddenly everything seemed crystal clear.

"Come. Let's go" - said Anand and took Ryan along with them as they left the airport.

(To be continued...)