Cacophony

It usually is a pleasure to talk...and especially to talk to people whom you tend to like.But English has a few words which even when blended in the right measures are not music to one's ears.

I have come across these statements more than often and I have always wondered how every "different" human being tend to say the "same".To be candid, I myself am a victim to this.But it indeed is a pain to be at the receiver's side.

• "I don't know"(Who else is supposed to know when you are the perpetrator).
• "I have always thought of you as a friend..never in this sense you know"(Are friends not supposed to fall in love).
• "I understand but I can't help"(Why exactly would I come to you if I knew you were not the right person).
• "You have to move on"(Do you expect me not to).
• "Agreed!But things don't happen this way here" (Then what did you agree to).
• "I am like this"(Do you know there is a word called "Change" ).
• "Nothing"(I know there is something).

El Primor Amor

Well that is a contentious issue to delve upon!

Every time I think about it, I end up being at the same place where I started -Square One.I just had one word for this Spanish phrase - "Crush"!

Way back in Grade 6, I thought it was the guy for whom I had literally messed up an exam of mine.

Grade 7 - My Physics Teacher! Physics became my love since then ;)

Grade 9 - Again Physics Teacher but this time he was an authority on both Physics and Maths.

Grade 11 had my heart craving for the guy whom I would intentionally meet in the College Street everyday.

Grade 12 - My Teacher at the Coaching Institute! One more Physics guy!Huh!

Grade 12+- Contemplating about the guy with whom everyone teased me at school.Never really!

Engg Year 1-The guy in my department who could even read a V S Naipaul at the College Canteen!

Engg Year 2 - The guy whom I never really met until we fought!

Engg Year 3 - No Comments! :)

Engg Year 4 - Life mein woh kehte hain naa - STABILITY ajaati hai ;). 

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TCS - 5 ft 5 inch in specs! (have a fascination for guys in specs :P)

I haven't changed a bit and I intend not to because I believe El Primor Amor to be in theory.

 To be in love - Just imagine a life without him/her and if you find it impossible - Thats it!

PS: My longest crush which still continues is on the Naipaul Guy and he had me at "The Tipping POINT" :)

Crossroads

For years I have been seeking answers
To a question's genesis I know not of
Convictions blind me and  faith commits treason
Pain endures while I fight to find the reason.

It treads me into the darkness of its abyss
A few I meet on my way
None so eager to meet their past
I was no different but for this tryst

For it lets me no sleep
Destiny has no clues to where my fate leads
Had it been just a matter of the heart
It would have easily led me to you.

Mount Olympus

When I met Aphrodite 

She was the first person whom I saw as I entered the hostel on that fateful day on the 23rd of August '04.There she was - a cute girl in a sleeveless top and knee length skirt with tears rolling down her cheeks. She was standing by the window and I understood it right then how much she loved her Papa.I knew it - our frequencies would click!

When I met Athena 

I was staying next to Aphrodite's room and I had befriended her right on the first day in the class.In the evening I went to meet her and get the notes.I met Athena instead.I could sense Hades in her.Her eyes spit anger and her silence was deadly.I knew it instantly - never mess with her!

When I met Artemis 

I was staying with Aphrodite,Athena and Venus in the Mount of Olympus.We four were very close and Olympus was our abode of happiness.Venus was beauty personified and we met on one of my casual visits to  meet Aphrodite and Athena.We met Artemis while she was teaching other goddesses the art of warfare in Electronika.She was confident and dauntless.I did not have any impression of her but I was definitely impressed!

But as days passed and I got to know you ,I fell into your charm my mortal goddesses and my first impression of Athena was not justified because she was the perfect blend of ice and foam within.Artemis had a legend of her own and Aphrodite definitely was the one I had no words for!

Mount Olympus will always remain the best just because of You!

Back On Earth

Do you guys remember?

The first time we met!

The day we named our group of five!

The evenings when we simply walked to meet our crushes ;)

The infinite number of times when we tried being RM's!

The lovely evenings in the terrace!

The trips to Top n Town!

The Semesters and Aphrodite's teachings!

The INFY dreams!

The XTASY frenzy!

The CCD, JV!

The auto rides with human cargoes!

The escapades right through the Great Wall of China!

The Strike front runners!

The Bike Area which I so fondly claim to be the Temple of Zeus!

The farewell nights and the Saree sessions!

The night when we slept haphazard! ;)

The times when we cried and the times when we laughed!

The TCS Joining!

The final semester!

The dates 14th Feb, 27th Feb,18th July and Artemis's "contentious date" :)!

The times when we started going beyond Mount Olympus with our respective Gods!

And finally "US"!

We can compile our story someday! But we can never recompile the days we lived together!

Sands & Tides

The other day when you held my hand while we were walking on the white sands, I felt like telling you all those things which were untold.But the calm amidst the subtle waves touching our feet was so perfect that I didn't want to break it.As I looked at you, I could see my whole world in you.I didn't want to look back.I just wanted to walk on forever with you.The grip was so strong and I didn't want to loosen it.The silence around was so soothing and I never wanted the dawn to break for that night.I could see how beautiful it is - to be in love with someone.You simply have to believe in it.

The sands and the tides always have an amazing chemistry!

15 minutes

My colleagues wonder when I say I love being alone.Frankly I wouldn't have been surprised had someone told me the same but given the fact that I am a cheerful girl, I feel these people are justified in their exclamations.College life provides ample of scope to be a loner.But job doesn't guarantee you this luxury.I am a victim to this.24 hours simply fly!Weekends make me really busy- sleeping being my trade for the 45 odd hours which I have been spending at the office.Evenings are dedicated to the web.The only time which I have to myself is the 15 minutes when I come back from office in the Volvo.

I love this "15 minutes".It is when I think of everyone whom I have been missing badly. It is when I think of how the day was. It is when I think of how I will be spending the evening. It is when I smile to myself thinking of the strange ways of the heart.It is then when I decide what should be the Gtalk status for the day.It is when I think how good CET days were.It is these 15 minutes which make me realize how beautiful the evening was and how nice Bangalore has been.It is then and there when I wonder how lonely I am at times without my college friends and my family.These 15 minutes bring back to me the memoirs of the past 24 years and in the most lovely manner.

And every single day I pray to God that I should not meet anyone on my way back home lest I lose the 15 minutes I love the most.I love the world I tread into in these few minutes.Every day I think I should stop being busy "virtually" and spend more time being this way.But one thought holds me back the moment I step out of the bus - "15 minutes cannot be the same again".I smile to myself.

Tribune

I find in you the comfort I seek

In times of gay and in times of grief.

You ask me no favour

I am happy you don't speak

You feel my thoughts

When silence is at its peak.

Solitude offers solace

And smiles gift caress

Hands come forward

Still I tread backward.

Because I find the world in you

You let me know what I need to do.

Swords of war and creeks of time

Are no match for the prowess in you

I am glad I met YOU and

Fell madly in love with you!

-Dedicated to the world of "WORDS"

Ode to an invitation.....

@CS Department,Feb 22 '07

It was any other day.

Attending classes never excited me.Neither was it welcome to my other four friends in the department.We were birds of the same feather flocked together.Back bench was heaven and haven to us.So while a boring Embedded Systems class was going on, I was happily stuck to my novel.None of my friends were building Rome either.At times my stray mind would ruminate over the way life treated me.And at times I would seek his face amidst a class of seventy.

He was seated in the same row on the opposite side.He always sat there.Either taking notes or solving CAT quantitative problems.There was something about him which distracted me today.

The first impressions- trust me were horrible!

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@CET, 2004

The first time we met - "Ordinary guy".

The first time we talked over phone - "Flirt!"

The first time we went out on a picnic with friends - "Narcissist"

And all this while I never cared to take note of his name.Neither did he cared about me.I was any other girl in the department.

@College Canteen, Jan 2005

"XTASY" was in full swing.He notices me for the first time while I sip a cup of coffee with my "not so useless" friends.

@Bhubaneswar Railway Station, Feb 2005

The entire gang is on its way to my home town.And I am busy being the matchmaker for two of my closest friends.One casual moment and then I find this guy reading a novel in the upper berth.He's cute.

@CET Hostel, Feb 2005

Gosh!I have a huge crush on him.

Everything about him was great!I followed him everywhere - canteen, library, classes and the corridors.I used to go for an evening stroll just to catch a glimpse of him.I read novels to discuss with him.I boarded the 7:30 bus to meet him.I was absolutely crazy about him.

We started talking, laughing,quarrelling and then finally - we became friends.Good Friends!I loved being with him.I realized he was more than a crush for me.Coz I had begun discovering life with him.But he did not feel the same for me.And it would have cost me dearly had I dared tell him what I felt.

@CET Department,2006

I stopped talking to him.He was not at fault neither was I.He tried hard to talk to me but I was stubborn.He still did not give up neither did I.Eventually Taurus won over Scorpio.But there was one regret.He never understood why.He was too innocent to comprehend he was the question and he himself -the answer.It was simply meant for the best.

@XTASY, Jan 2007

I was numb.I had started questioning emotions.I had stopped being myself.But there he was - my dear friend with arms wide open beckoning me to embrace his friendship.He understood me perfectly.He never asked me a question. He simply stood by me.He could comprehend my silence.He asked for nothing.His presence had again begun to comfort me.

*********************************************************************************

The bell rang.

Three years had passed and I had learnt there was never a denouement.I smiled to myself and went ahead to live life the way it should be - with friends who mattered.

@Barista, Feb 22 '07

The Guy in question : " I forgot to tell you something.....I LOVE YOU".

PS: My closest friends for whom I was playing the matchmaker are in a relationship since FEB 14 '05 :)

Regret for Regrets

I have my CAT tomorrow and I don't think any more preparation would do good to me.I have wasted the prime time in pursuing something else and today evening I realized how important CAT was to me.Well...one more addition to my list of regrets!

Those are the memoirs of a dark alley.I have tried hard not to look back but my subconscious mind never lets me forget it.Some things in life can never be mended but there are some which can be.But what ails me the most is - I can never get one more opportunity to relive this life.

I had a notebook where I used to list down my dreams. But today I don't want to have a look at it. Because there are certain wishes which can never come true.No matter how hard I try.

Inane Beliefs

Neither do I hate him for what he ever did to me nor do I like him for what he is doing still.Yet somewhere in my psyche,he is my concern though I don't know in what capacity.I have never questioned either his words or his demeanour.He is so different from what he claims to be.At times I am skeptical of having ever known him also.I don't know what category he fits into either.

At times human beings are so blinded by their convictions that they fail to notice the obvious.They don't accept...to be precise-they don't try to accept reality.Perhaps I am one of them.I hate it to say that I know it ...but I still succumb to it.Coz of a reason which is not so simple.

The Quest

"What am I running after...Where is my final destination...Why don't I get satisfied with what I have in my life..."

There are a many why's and what's to be answered still.

I have a pretty decent life.I earn.I have a loving family.I have an okay salary ;) and a pretty fine professional life as well.I have a respectable education and most importantly I have found the one in my life too.Then what is it that I am seeking for?I never tend to be content with what life does to me.I seek more and that perfectly is what I call my ambition.It drives me crazy.

I do not know what is the kind of life I aspire for...still I ask for more.I want to get higher and higher in life...thought I don't know where that higher ends.I want the best's of life...but I have no idea what this superlative signifies.I dream of fame and higher education and eventually (to be frank )money...but I am not sure if I will have the time to spend it.Desires exist and I have found the path as well but I do not know if its worth it.

I wish life was simple...atleast my thinking and my aim could have been.But then I get just one life.The craze is to live it to the most.I want to experience life in its truest sense.I know my quest is never ending but I just have one wish...I want myself and the people whom I value the most to be the way they are now..forever and ever.

I just don't want to be a part of this philosophy

"I tried so hard and reached so far...but at the end it doesn't even matter".

?

"I don't understand what's happening to me.I am flustered.I am tense.I just didn't realize when and how this happened to me.But definitely this was never expected of me. A whirlpool of thoughts and a hurricane of questions.All that I know is it's definitely not right...."

-Majority of the common mass

"....if I go by what the world says.Not even the world rather what a fraction of the society (who never try to come out of their cocoon of idiosyncrasies) think.But who cares.I am answerable for my actions not for my thoughts...."

-A few

There is nothing right or nothing wrong in thinking.Nobody in the world cares what you think but they do care what you do.Each one of us know that there are a thousand of secrets buried deep down inside you which you yourself dread to face.And some of them if executed would mark you a heterodox as well.But our mind is like a no man's land.It breaks free all fetters .Why shouldn't it either? At least that's the realm where we think aloud. But for the few people who do what they believe is right- hats off to you.I call you guys "the intelligentsia."After all we define the protocols of living and anything that makes us happy at the end of the day justifies the single life we have been treasuring.

Still there are Peter Keating's in majority and Howard Roark's in minority.Your call?

A thought

When you don't understand how it feels like

When one stops breathing...

When one is lost somewhere...

When one stops being what he/she is...

When one stops living...

My dear Friend

Either you have never been in love or you have never borne a broken heart.

Still we celebrate and mourn for the same feelings with a hope in our heart that someday, somewhere,sometime - he/she will understand.

No strings attached

I never understood what you meant to me till yesterday night.I was feeling so terrible and there you were with your "available" status in gtalk.I cant tell you dear how much happy I was to find you online.I could just let go of everything I was going through.I don't know how you manage to understand me so perfectly.The geographical distances doesn't matter when it comes to you and me.Trust me when I say that you are the elixir to my woes.I can share with you almost anything and everything.You are more than a friend to me.I am so happy I ever met you.The world knows we are alter egos but I know you are my bestest half.Friendship has no better definition than you and me.I miss you so much dear.You mean to me more than any friend ever did.You are one of the best chapters of my life.Thanks for being my awesomest friend.

With love,

Duffy

The Untold

For all those times when I have been mad at you for no reason,angry on you for silly matters and having hated you for the uncountable misunderstandings ; I dedicate this to you.Neither I offer any explanation nor am I flaunting my love.Its just that certain things in life are better expressed this way.Perhaps the untold and the unheard phrases of life are beautiful because they are expressed different.And this is when people say "You are in love".

I never understood the why's and how's of your patience when it came to me.Every time we had a fight, it was you who always came back to me with a smile .It was always you who had a solution to the incompatibilities we had.It was again you who always had this amazing trust on me.You were the one I could always look up to and with you I could think loud.At times I wondered, why could I never be you?I do not know what I would have done had it not been YOU.

Thank you for being there and most importantly for being with me when am at my worst.Thank you for accepting me the way I am.Thank you for being what you are.Thank you for everything dear.It would take me a life time if I try to thank you for all that you have done to me but they say "You never have to say a sorry or thank you when you are in love" and I feel the same for you.I want to live my life with you the way we do.

An Identity

Its a sunday afternoon and I am perfectly idle.Before I could get into any devilish thought,I thought it better to pen down something.It depends on you how substantial it is.This blog is about me.

It has taken me years to know myself and I still am amazed when I find new shades to my personality.I am a soul who would refute the typical definition of a "girl" yet I am feminine.I am stubborn,headstrong yet emotional,love to live in my quixotic world yet pragmatic,dead ambitious but compromising and definitely the right person at the right place for the right things.I know my limits and whenever I feel my stray mind demands to cross this barrier,I don't let go of it.I have my own idiosyncrasies,my own ethics, my own principles but I bend them whenever I feel like satisfying my self-serving bias.I am a perfectly ordinary girl who dreams of achieving the extra ordinary.I am a person who has strong definitions of her likings and prejudices.I am not ideal and I err.Sometimes the sense of guilt which creeps into me is too strong.I strive to reach out to the excellence deep within me.I feel everything's relative in this life and so I have no absolute feelings.I have my own weaknesses and gladly enough I know them.I am an individual who loves her self-esteem and dignity more than anything else.I can fight against any odds for it.I dread to face my subconscious coz I know I have something over there which I would never like to face.I am not a maverick neither am a heterodox.I am a simple girl with the most complex psyche.

I am the person who would ideally love Howard Roark and I prefer solitude.I love everyone who is a part of my life and I am happy we ever met. I always try to find out the right reasons for anything that I do.I am absolutely content for everything I own and possess.I paint my illusions with the colors of my dreams.I have suffered a lot for not making it out to the top of what I ever desired of but now that everything seems to fall in place,I have come to know that I should always wait for the right time to come through.I know I just have to hold onto to make my dreams come true.I am the one who has realised that we will never get everything and anything that we crave for .Coz at the end of the day whatever happens, happens for a reason and that reason is always awesome.

I am an imperfect individual who tries to match the most of perfection.I know what I am and perhaps thats what drives me to the dead end of everything.Till I meet my subconscious, I know I will dread nothing.I am a part of the quarter life crisis now but I know I will come out of it too.I love my life and I live it.Perhaps thats what keeps me going on and on.You can call me a narcissist for this but I absolutely love myself.

Eluding Illusions

Human psyche is definitively recondite and beyond the obvious.It is the most nomadic aspect of one's self.The desires are never within the defined limits and the illusions linked with them keeps eluding.But this essence of life is what ...gets us going.

More than often, people are befuddled with respect to their career decisions.MS or an MBA,SAP or JAVA,Science or Humanities,St Stephens or Xavier's - well these questions will never end but what finally ends is the quest.The end result is -somewhere a born painter finds himself/herself in the cubicles of the IT industry where as somewhere else another burgeoning entrepreneur finds his/her niche in music.In matters of love, mind plays even worse.People tend to fall in love twice, thrice or may be multiple times even.No wonder, we have extra marital affairs and divorces.Well, I don't blame the individuals for this either.The plebeian won't fathom the depth of it.Because emotions have no fetters.

The vast sea of confusions is rooted deep within.The insatiable soul of humans always crave for more.The consecration of life doesn't come under the laws of human attraction.The illusions of having the best of times when dreams turn into realities is what drives the excellence from inside.Its far from truth though.Human aspirations never get buried.They reincarnate every moment when an illusion of yesterday converts into a fact of today.And till they don't materialize,they elude us.

Life essentially is an illusion.There are myriad aspects to it.The illusions have their own colors.They let u have wings and fly, even if its for a fleeting moment.And when the passion for these illusions gets strong,reality is driven.Now,one more illusion is born.Well thats how life is to be lived amidst wishful illusions beckoning a meaningful life.

After all, there's nothing absolute- everything is relative.You are free to live in your world of illusions.Thats where peace resides and so does human aspirations.Reality offers no solace.

Classroom to Conference Room

Huh...Finally I am back to my blogspace.Its been a really really long time.Life's been pretty decent all along this time though.But there has been a big difference in the mentality definitely.

I am now a one year old in the professional arena. A place where smartness blended with the right mix of intelligence survives.I still remember the day I joined TCS.With lofty aspirations, I set sail to embark on this ship of professionalism.The desire to earn was momentous.ILP - the training program in TCS was an extension of the 8 semesters in engineering .But reality is where I am today.

Bangalore is the place where my Software career kicked off.Got into a decent project within one month of being an elite member of the famous "bench".I was shortlisted among the best 5 from an interview of about 30 candidates. Well, that was an achievement in itself.In the rat race of getting "billed "when majority of the chunk were getting layed off ,it was definitely a feat.We were in the midst of recession which had gripped the world economy badly.Post Lehman collapse, IT industry was in doldrums and to my luck, I was in BFSI sector.However, somehow I managed to have my own workspace - my first "cubicle".

The world all of a sudden seemed harsh.The transition seemed hard to fathom.The "first name" culture dint go down well with me.The letters of "production","development" ,"SIT","UAT" etc. seemed to dance.The culture over here was too disciplined or may be I was accustomed to a different ambience.Colleagues seemed to be aliens.No one was keen to help out the freshers.We didn't have any say in the account.We were not even considered an entity.For a person like me who held too much importance to her dignity, this was sheer insult to her education and her identity.And to my dismay, the 8 hours of attendance was extended to include one hour more.Work seemed me to be the refuge of people who didn't have better things to do in life.I felt I was in Shawshank.

But I knew I had to work someday - if not here, somewhere else might be.

Gradually I started learning to work and more importantly working smart.In the meanwhile, I befriended some awesome people.I started adopting the culture of taking breaks - those most awaited "coffee breaks".I started knowing the difference between theoretical concepts and practical implementations.Being in a Consultancy, I knew how to talk business and how to get business done.Work started getting better.Colleagues seemed approachable and friendly.5 days at work were no more a torture.I got moulded into their definition of a technical analyst or a developer or a software consultant but for me I started loving where I was and where I still am.

In this entire odyssey from classes to conference rooms, I have many souls to remember and express my gratitude as well. But the one person whom I revere and will always held responsible for my positive attitude towards work would be my Project Manager.He is simply an awesome guy.He definitely does not qualify for the plebeian definition of "manager". I admire him.Apart from him,my friends were definitely a reason for my 9 hours of dedicated attendance.I have had crushes over here (as always) despite being "committed".I had awesome trips.I had marvellous outings with my friends.I enjoyed being a part of all that I had been. I have definitely loved being in this account.

Work is not always that bad.It depends on us how we try to define it.In this one year of being a part of the daily hustle bustle in bus,access cards,security checks etc. I have learned that working smart is the only answer to this professional world.The professional attitude is going to take us to where we would always like to be.But definitely not always.You can always find some people out of the common crowd whom you can trust at the end of the day.

Working is awesome when you have the right reasons to do so and the right people to work with and I am happy to be where I work today.I dont know where I would be tomorrow but I definitely know what it means to be "employed".

Naman

This is dedicated to the girl whom I could never say what she meant for me nor

can I ever do it .No matter how much we try, she is not going to return back to us.

She was a stranger to me in an unknown city.I still remember the day when her smile evaded all apprehensions and fears in my mind beckoning me to confide in her.I would never repent for having let out all my secrets to her. She was more than family to me.I was never ever taken care of this way. In her I started knowing an entity called "sister". Her mere smile comforted me.I had everything I craved for.The moments which I shared with her in the past six months will always be the days which I ever desired for since childhood.

I never realised how soon and stil how gradually she became so close to me. I respected her.I essentially loved her. I know not what to write when it is about her.Perhaps this is what certain bonds are- illegally one's own.

Binary Thoughts...

This extraordinary journey into the world of bits and bytes made us bikers of the woods from pedestrians of unknown corridors in a span of four years. We may not have been the torch bearers of this glamorous branch but we definitely have left behind a legacy of our own in all these years. From being truly insincere to fiercely determined – we have always met the aspirations we set for. The platform hasn’t always been captivating but it was enough to invoke dormant spirits fire and make a niche for them. We came here dreaming chapels of candy but today we are leaving this citadel of treasured memories to build castles of reality. No matter where we are today or where we will be tomorrow, CET will always be that great culture which has given us our name and COMPUTER SCIENCE the learning that identified us.

The tradition at CET was different when we enrolled as freshers in the year 2004. We started off as a diverse archive of unfamiliar faces then. Computer science was a mere subject of 3 grades and it had no significance other than being taxonomy. The possessiveness n pride in being a Compscite at CET featured in 3rd year when the class of 2008 got classified into the respective departments. We got introduced to our core disciplines, our faculties, our Head of the Department and most importantly our department. The feeling was naïve then but gradually it developed into a sense of being an imperial part of this family. This distributed architecture of creative processors had their optimum performance in the last two years executing classes, bunking, fun, projects, culfests, picnics, seminars and everything and anything under the sun.

The moments spent have been so amazing that we never noticed when we reached the apogee of this odyssey. It still feels being dressed in yellow and whites on that momentous Welcome day on the 6th of October, 2004 apprehending the friendliness of the faces and the department we had embraced. The last digit has changed and so has the day but what remains constant is the name and the identity we have been awarded. And along with it we carry the bit maps of the times we have been together under this department which is genuinely “class apart”.

                                                                   - 18th APRIL '08 ( Farewell party)