Thoughts of the Past - III

For Rya,being home was just another semester which was pretty tough compared to the other two. She had never missed her parents when she left home for hostel.Spending time with each other was an obligation both for her and for her parents. With time, she had become a liability for both - Mr. and Mrs. Mahen. 

Rya's parents had a love marriage way back in the 80's. They had a smooth sail on the waters of love. Being from the same caste, they never had to face the hassles of an Indian marriage. Rya's mother, Mrs. Archana Mahen was considered to be the most beautiful girl during her college days.Vijay ,Rya's father, had fallen in love with Archana at first sight. He barely knew her when he decided to spend the rest of his life with her. Vijay was a die hard romantic guy and was frivolous by nature.On the contrary,Archana was ambitious and she never ever appreciated the thought  of "living for someone else". She was independent in her thoughts but conventional in her acts. She hated the concept of "arranged marriage" and did not have the time to fall in love. But she knew she had to marry someday.She did not concede to Vijay's proposal till her parents forced her to start considering marriage.She liked Vijay as a friend though.Under these circumstances,Vijay's proposal offered her the safest route and she immediately agreed to get married. The initial years of their marriage proved to be the icing on the cake but when the cake itself was made up of the wrong ingredients, how long could it attract celebration? Caste seemed to be the only common thing between them apart from Rya. Their social status did not allow them the luxury to get a divorce and they had mastered the art of staying as separate entities under the same roof. For seventeen years, Rya had been a constant audience to the drama of which Mr. and Mrs. Mahen played their roles perfectly,being single.

While at home, Rya had ample of time to think over that note. At times, she felt Ryan was the one. After all, how much time does it take for someone to change the handwriting or to take help from someone else.But his indifference towards her forced her to think different. By the end of the vacation, Rya was still clueless about this silent admirer of her and she decided to talk to Ryan about this on reaching campus. Mr. and Mrs. Mahen accompanied Rya to see her off at the airport and as she looked back to bid adieu to her parents, she could see two souls standing ,perfectly in resonance with their imperfect lives.

3rd Semester

On reaching campus, Rya first met Anand who waved at her a casual "hi". He had definitely gone to greet Aditi after the holidays.

"How lucky is Aditi!"- thought Rya to herself.

And she kept walking towards hostel.

"Rya!"

Rya looked back and found Aditi gasping for her breath as she tried to lift the three luggages which definitely took a toll on her poor friend.

"Aditi!What are you doing here!"

"What do you mean by that, Rya!I am coming from home."

"But I saw Anand returning from our hostel now.I thought...he went to meet you."

"Anand?"

"Yes Aditi."

"Rya...he must have gone to meet someone else....Actually....Anand and I broke up last month."

"What!...But why?"

"Can we talk about this in room?"

"Okay"-muttered a bewildered Rya.

To Rya's amazement, Aditi was quite callous about the break up.Apparently, Anand and Aditi had realized that they never really felt for each other. It was just an infatuation and it was their mutual decision to call it quits. Rya did not know what to say to this.

 She just wished "If only my parents had also realized this!"

In the evening, Rya went out for her usual evening walk. This was the only part of the day which she really loved.She tended to be philosophical when alone and analysing life was an integral part of her solitude. But today,she thought about Aditi and Anand.The idea of being comfortable and indifferent towards the past kept haunting her. But perhaps that's the way life was! She had neither been in love nor been an authority on the subject but she knew that if ever she would, it would be really difficult on her part to just move on in life as if nothing ever happened.

On returning back to hostel,the watchman handed over another envelope to Rya. She took it from him and found it to be unsigned again. She grew impatient and hollered at the watchman:

"Who gave it to you?..What does he look like?" 

"She is a little girl." - replied the watchman.

Rya was undoubtedly amazed but not at the mention of the little girl but for the way her silent admirer preferred to being incognito. She could not comprehend the reason behind this but she was definitely looking forward to hearing from him.She rushed to her room and opened the envelope.She found a tiny note along with a Chrysanthemum flower. The note read:

"The moment I saw you today, I realized how badly I had been missing you. All the best for your term ahead!"

Rya folded the note and kept it in her diary along with the previous one.She tried not to think about it but she could only think of one person who could have written it ----It had to be Anand!

Over the next three months in the term, Rya did not receive any other note. Anand spoke casually to Rya whenever they met in the campus and Rya found nothing odd in Anand's behaviour. Aditi had again become the cynosure of the batch. Ryan was totally unassuming for the whole term and he continued avoiding Rya. There were many occasions when Rya tried to talk to him but he always made it a point to find the escape. 

One evening while Rya was taking her evening stroll in the park, she chanced upon Ryan. He was sitting alone.

"Hi"- greeted Rya.

"Oh hi!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Definitely not stalking you", smiled Ryan.

Rya reciprocated back with a pleasant smile across her face.

"See Ryan. I am extremely sorry for whatever happened between us on the Fresher's night.It was really mean on my part to talk to you like that and..."

"You do not have to apologize Rya. It was better that way."

"What do you mean?"

"Everything happens for a reason and that reason is always awesome!"

"But Ryan, we could never be friends because of that.What was so awesome about it?"

"The fact that today you are talking to me!"

Rya did not expect this as an answer but she was totally floored by Ryan this time.She just smiled and told "Ryan,I would have talked to you any way had you not tried to avoid me so vehemently".

"How many guys in our batch have you talked to Rya?"

Rya was speechless and she knew she was in loss for an answer.

"Or am I special?", smiled Ryan.

"Alright I give in. But stop flirting with me Ryan",smiled Rya.

"Okay!Okay! I will not flirt with you but promise me that you will introduce me to all your good looking friends", laughed Ryan.

Rya laughed too and continued asking "But you did not answer me...what were you doing here?"

"Waiting for you", smiled Ryan mischievously and ran away.

Rya saw him walking down from a distance and knew that the seeds of a beautiful relationship were sown.

For the rest of the term Rya and Ryan spent a lot of time with each other and Aditi was their third accomplice in every crime. Rya loved her life. She shared a lot in common with Ryan and she had begun confiding in him. A day without Ryan seemed so dull and boring to her. She kept thinking of him everywhere and every time. The days seemed to fly. She had never been so happy before and before she could realize,the term came to an end. 

It was the Christmas holidays and everyone was happy to leave for home except for Rya. She knew she was heading to a sophisticated prison and most importantly she would miss Ryan. She had packed her bags and was waiting to meet Ryan when the watchman handed over another envelope to her.

This time, she did not want to read it.She threw it away and asked the watchman to get a cab. She was getting late for her flight and Ryan was nowhere to see.

The cab arrived but Ryan still did not come.

"Idiot",muttered Rya and left for her holidays.

A few minutes later

Ryan picked up the envelope and smiled to himself as he read the note "This was the best term for me!"

(To be continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - II

Six months later

It was the month of February and the air was redolent of romanticism. Everyone on campus was cheerful and proposals dictated the season. At times, when there was a love triangle or a quadrangle involved, cheerfulness gave way to gloom and for guys - this occasion became the perfect excuse to take to drinking. For girls, the lachrymatory glands lend their help. But there was some understanding on the campus regarding this angle. There were a very few such incidents and most of them had their grades intact in this subject.

Aditi did not have to wait till February to fall in love. Anand was in his sophomore year and being the charming guy which he was, it was not difficult on his part to win over Aditi. Anand came from modest background and was the perfect guy of his batch.He was the University topper in his first year and never took any interest in any other girl till he met Aditi.His unassuming self was his forte and everyone knew that he would make it big someday. Aditi was another add-on to his list of the right things in life.

Rya approved of Aditi's decision on the fresher's night itself and was pretty close to the couple. She held Anand as the benchmark for judging any guy. She never had an interest in guys whatsoever. She fancied fictional characters instead.However, she never failed to notice Ryan whenever they crossed roads on campus. Ryan was always to be found in the basketball arena. He had a passion for it and he was the best player in the college team.Ryan had no love for acads though. He had managed to pass the first term with a 7+ GPA and to Rya's consternation, Ryan hardly spoke to any other girl on campus.

Ryan was Rya's lab partner for the second semester. Surprisingly enough, he never spoke to Rya unless necessary and the incident at the fresher's party was never raised by either of them. Rya did not know what to feel for him. She hated Ryan six months earlier and today, she was actually indifferent to him. She knew that she could not ignore him because somewhere in her subconscious, Ryan had taken a seat. It was difficult on her part to know what he thought about her and that kept her guessing. To be precise, she failed to understand him.

One fine evening when Rya and Aditi were taking a stroll outside their hostel, Rya brought up the topic of Ryan.

"Aditi, what do you think of Ryan?"

"Ryan?..ohh the Michael Jordan of our batch" - smiled Aditi.

"Whatever..what do you think of him?"

"Hmm..I have never thought of him Rya.Why..what happened? Is someone having purple thoughts?" - asked Aditi with a mischievous smile.

"Aditi..you know me. I would never fall in love..and at least not for someone like Ryan.Its just that he is so so inscrutable."

"If you are so sure of not falling in for him, why are you even trying to understand him Rya. There are so many people whom we come across daily but if we try to understand each and everyone, we will fail to understand the right persons in our life."

"But Aditi,.."

"Rya dear - forget it. Let's have some ice cream."

That night, when Rya went to sleep; she felt Aditi was right. She should forget Ryan and concentrate on her studies instead.

For the rest of the semester, Rya tried not to think much of Ryan but with every passing day, she grew restless about the way Ryan behaved. He was weirdly calm with her and tried all possible means of avoiding her.

Things did not change much for her until the last day of the semester. All theory papers were over and only the lab viva was pending. The atmosphere was filled with fun and laughter as everyone packed their bags for the summers. Rya was done with her viva and on returning to the hostel, she was handed over an envelope by the watchman. She hurried back to her room and on opening it; found a beautiful Chrysanthemum and a note inside it. It was addressed to Rya but unsigned.

"The first time I saw you, I knew it was either you or no one else. But your quiet demeanour never gave me the opportunity to express what I ever felt for you. I tried every possible way to let you know about my feelings but I could not. To me; your ignorance was better than your denial. I still don't want you to know who I am coz I fear you would run away from me. I do not know what it is that holds you back from the feeling of love but I know that I cannot hold back myself from you. I will miss you."

Rya was dumbfounded after reading this and she knew not what to do. The words had a mesmerizing effect on her and for the first time, her convictions started failing her. She never wanted to but she knew she had - finally fallen in for him.

She thought to herself "And all this time while he was thinking of me and trying to  talk to me, I was trying to forget him. How foolish of me! I should have known.I do not know if I like him or not but he does love me.I have finally understood him."

She was elated for reasons unknown to her and she just smiled to herself.

Her bags were packed and she was about to leave the hostel when she realized that she had left her purse in her college bag.She went back to fetch it and while taking it out, a notebook dropped from her bag. She picked it up. It was Ryan's lab notebook and had somehow been exchanged with that of hers. She opened it and was befuddled after going through it for quite some time.

The handwriting in the notebook was not the same with that of the one in the note which she had read a few minutes before. 

Suddenly, the words seemed hollow to her and she did not know what to think - either of the note or of anything else.

Ryan was playing in the basket ball arena when Rya left the campus for her home. But this time it was Ryan who saw her with an askance.

(To be continued...)

Thoughts of the Past - I

"And what's your branch?"

"Electronics and Telecommunication."

"I have never stayed out of home..Oh how I miss Mom n Dad!"

"Could not agree with you more"

And you would find a whole lot of such conversations on the 1st day of any college you ever attended.But for her there was nothing exciting/depressing about it.She was quiet and reticent.She loved being alone and hated being interrupted while delving deep into her train of thoughts.And one such day was this too.

***************************************************************************************************

"Hi.I am Aditi."

A long pause of silence.

"Oh Hi.I am Rya..Rya Mahen."

"I just saw you across the floor and thought of... talking to you." She smiled.

"Oh that's really nice of you!"

"So.. which department?"

"Computer Science.And you?"

"Same here."

.......

One month had passed since that day. Aditi had become quite a sensation in college and there was everything admirable about her. She was tall, beautiful and charming. Her aquiline nose and deep eyes were bound to attract even the dumbest of guys. She was amicable and there was nothing amiss with her. Rya was quite her opposite in attitude. She kept to herself most of the time and occasionally went out with Aditi who happened to be the only friend Rya had at college till then.Rya was elegant too but her phlegmatic self often contradicted with the former. While Aditi was an open book, Rya was always a prelude.

First Semester

@Fresher's Party

"Congrats Aditi"

"Thanks"

"You look gorgeous!"

"Oh thats nice of you. Thanks."

"Congrats Aditi.How about a cup of coffee!"

"Thanks.Btw are you trying to hit on me?"

"Congratulations Aditi..you sure look stunning!"

"Thanks sweety."

Aditi was crowned the "Rose Queen" of the department that year and she was the center of attraction for the evening. She looked gorgeous and was gifted the most number of roses both by the seniors and her batch mates.She looked happy and was frantically trying to avoid the unwanted and numerous "interactions" with the seniors when Rya came up to her.

"Congrats dear. I am so happy for you!"

"Hey thanks Rya..Got to tell you something.Excuse me please."

"Sure.Go ahead....hey hey Aditi where are you taking me"

"Thank God Rya. You saved me.I just wanted to avoid those seniors now.Got to meet someone.Will talk to you later in the room".

"Take care dear"

"Same to you and enjoy the evening honey!"

Aditi left.

That evening was amazing.Music had its way of reaching the hearts of the young and when brewed with dance, it cast spells. The freedom to talk freely with the fairer sex of their batch seemed to be the perfect occasion for guys to revel.

Rya had been friends with a few other girls too by then and when compelled by them, she agreed to come to the dance floor. Watching her dance was a perfect delight. She had the most amazing feet for the music and her mask of demure was shed that night.She looked radiant for the first time.And guys sure did take note of it. But accosting her was a Herculean task.Few dared but none succeeded.Girls usually are inscrutable and when it came to Rya, guys definitely were at a loss. And very few guys took the pain of being patient either in love or in crush.

And as the music died so did her nonchalance. She was back into the recesses of calm. It was time to go back to hostel and Aditi was no where to be seen. Rya gave her a call.

"Hey Aditi..where are you?"

"Rya..I will reach hostel.Don't worry.Cya soon.Bye"

Rya was still worried but she could not wait for Aditi since the latter had assured her of being safe and she herself had no other means of returning to hostel other than the bus which was going to leave in a couple of minutes.

She looked up to find her way back to the bus when she met him.

"Hi.You dance good!"

"Mmm...thanks!" - muttered Rya.

"And it would be a sin if I forgot to tell you how stunning you look tonight!"

"What brings you here?"

"What!!!"

"I just asked - What brings you here?"

"Well I just thought that...that you looked beautiful"

"Thank You. But I am not very used to like compliments."

"You don't like compliments or you don't like understatements?"

"I think..I don't like either."

"Hmm...interesting..or is it the persons whom you don't like?"

"Excuse me!"

"Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee ...sometime..may be tomorrow?"

"I think you were right. I don't like the people who gave it to me"

"And may I know why?"

" Because...it always was accompanied by a motive."

With this, Rya turned to go towards the bus.

"Btw I am Ryan and it was nice meeting you!"
(To be continued...)

An evening @ 152, KF

I always thought that there would be one defining moment in my life which would change the whole perception of it and I would usher into a realm where I would breathe whatever I always wanted to. Well it does happen but perhaps for a minority. The concept of an ideal life really doesn't exist. And it is folly to expect someone/some event to be a turning point in your life. Every minute aspect of our living is an experience and it is these moments which make our life worthwhile. Every dawn brings us the memoirs of the previous night so that we paint a better dusk. 

Today when I think of the days which I would never relive,I find myself commending some decisions I ever took and of course regretting a few too.But what I regret the most is never taking a few decisions while waiting for the right time to do so.In the quest for the "BEST's", I ignored the better ones. Ultimately I ended up with "Good". Life is a melange of experiences and that constitutes everything. If you ask me how I remember my past, it would be just a prelude if I only told you about the best moments. But my dear friend - what is life if it is not an entire novel? It is a graffiti of not just the bright colours.

I have regretted a lot waiting for the "right" college,"right" career , "right" job, "right" guy and almost everything that has got the "right" adjective tagged with it. But I guess I have realized that it is beautiful to make things "right" instead of choosing it. And perhaps right now, I am living one of the most memorable evenings of my life with nothing extraordinary about it but for this piece of realization.

Cacophony

It usually is a pleasure to talk...and especially to talk to people whom you tend to like.But English has a few words which even when blended in the right measures are not music to one's ears.

I have come across these statements more than often and I have always wondered how every "different" human being tend to say the "same".To be candid, I myself am a victim to this.But it indeed is a pain to be at the receiver's side.

• "I don't know"(Who else is supposed to know when you are the perpetrator).
• "I have always thought of you as a friend..never in this sense you know"(Are friends not supposed to fall in love).
• "I understand but I can't help"(Why exactly would I come to you if I knew you were not the right person).
• "You have to move on"(Do you expect me not to).
• "Agreed!But things don't happen this way here" (Then what did you agree to).
• "I am like this"(Do you know there is a word called "Change" ).
• "Nothing"(I know there is something).

El Primor Amor

Well that is a contentious issue to delve upon!

Every time I think about it, I end up being at the same place where I started -Square One.I just had one word for this Spanish phrase - "Crush"!

Way back in Grade 6, I thought it was the guy for whom I had literally messed up an exam of mine.

Grade 7 - My Physics Teacher! Physics became my love since then ;)

Grade 9 - Again Physics Teacher but this time he was an authority on both Physics and Maths.

Grade 11 had my heart craving for the guy whom I would intentionally meet in the College Street everyday.

Grade 12 - My Teacher at the Coaching Institute! One more Physics guy!Huh!

Grade 12+- Contemplating about the guy with whom everyone teased me at school.Never really!

Engg Year 1-The guy in my department who could even read a V S Naipaul at the College Canteen!

Engg Year 2 - The guy whom I never really met until we fought!

Engg Year 3 - No Comments! :)

Engg Year 4 - Life mein woh kehte hain naa - STABILITY ajaati hai ;). 

.

.

.

TCS - 5 ft 5 inch in specs! (have a fascination for guys in specs :P)

I haven't changed a bit and I intend not to because I believe El Primor Amor to be in theory.

 To be in love - Just imagine a life without him/her and if you find it impossible - Thats it!

PS: My longest crush which still continues is on the Naipaul Guy and he had me at "The Tipping POINT" :)

Crossroads

For years I have been seeking answers
To a question's genesis I know not of
Convictions blind me and  faith commits treason
Pain endures while I fight to find the reason.

It treads me into the darkness of its abyss
A few I meet on my way
None so eager to meet their past
I was no different but for this tryst

For it lets me no sleep
Destiny has no clues to where my fate leads
Had it been just a matter of the heart
It would have easily led me to you.

Mount Olympus

When I met Aphrodite 

She was the first person whom I saw as I entered the hostel on that fateful day on the 23rd of August '04.There she was - a cute girl in a sleeveless top and knee length skirt with tears rolling down her cheeks. She was standing by the window and I understood it right then how much she loved her Papa.I knew it - our frequencies would click!

When I met Athena 

I was staying next to Aphrodite's room and I had befriended her right on the first day in the class.In the evening I went to meet her and get the notes.I met Athena instead.I could sense Hades in her.Her eyes spit anger and her silence was deadly.I knew it instantly - never mess with her!

When I met Artemis 

I was staying with Aphrodite,Athena and Venus in the Mount of Olympus.We four were very close and Olympus was our abode of happiness.Venus was beauty personified and we met on one of my casual visits to  meet Aphrodite and Athena.We met Artemis while she was teaching other goddesses the art of warfare in Electronika.She was confident and dauntless.I did not have any impression of her but I was definitely impressed!

But as days passed and I got to know you ,I fell into your charm my mortal goddesses and my first impression of Athena was not justified because she was the perfect blend of ice and foam within.Artemis had a legend of her own and Aphrodite definitely was the one I had no words for!

Mount Olympus will always remain the best just because of You!

Back On Earth

Do you guys remember?

The first time we met!

The day we named our group of five!

The evenings when we simply walked to meet our crushes ;)

The infinite number of times when we tried being RM's!

The lovely evenings in the terrace!

The trips to Top n Town!

The Semesters and Aphrodite's teachings!

The INFY dreams!

The XTASY frenzy!

The CCD, JV!

The auto rides with human cargoes!

The escapades right through the Great Wall of China!

The Strike front runners!

The Bike Area which I so fondly claim to be the Temple of Zeus!

The farewell nights and the Saree sessions!

The night when we slept haphazard! ;)

The times when we cried and the times when we laughed!

The TCS Joining!

The final semester!

The dates 14th Feb, 27th Feb,18th July and Artemis's "contentious date" :)!

The times when we started going beyond Mount Olympus with our respective Gods!

And finally "US"!

We can compile our story someday! But we can never recompile the days we lived together!

Sands & Tides

The other day when you held my hand while we were walking on the white sands, I felt like telling you all those things which were untold.But the calm amidst the subtle waves touching our feet was so perfect that I didn't want to break it.As I looked at you, I could see my whole world in you.I didn't want to look back.I just wanted to walk on forever with you.The grip was so strong and I didn't want to loosen it.The silence around was so soothing and I never wanted the dawn to break for that night.I could see how beautiful it is - to be in love with someone.You simply have to believe in it.

The sands and the tides always have an amazing chemistry!

15 minutes

My colleagues wonder when I say I love being alone.Frankly I wouldn't have been surprised had someone told me the same but given the fact that I am a cheerful girl, I feel these people are justified in their exclamations.College life provides ample of scope to be a loner.But job doesn't guarantee you this luxury.I am a victim to this.24 hours simply fly!Weekends make me really busy- sleeping being my trade for the 45 odd hours which I have been spending at the office.Evenings are dedicated to the web.The only time which I have to myself is the 15 minutes when I come back from office in the Volvo.

I love this "15 minutes".It is when I think of everyone whom I have been missing badly. It is when I think of how the day was. It is when I think of how I will be spending the evening. It is when I smile to myself thinking of the strange ways of the heart.It is then when I decide what should be the Gtalk status for the day.It is when I think how good CET days were.It is these 15 minutes which make me realize how beautiful the evening was and how nice Bangalore has been.It is then and there when I wonder how lonely I am at times without my college friends and my family.These 15 minutes bring back to me the memoirs of the past 24 years and in the most lovely manner.

And every single day I pray to God that I should not meet anyone on my way back home lest I lose the 15 minutes I love the most.I love the world I tread into in these few minutes.Every day I think I should stop being busy "virtually" and spend more time being this way.But one thought holds me back the moment I step out of the bus - "15 minutes cannot be the same again".I smile to myself.

Tribune

I find in you the comfort I seek

In times of gay and in times of grief.

You ask me no favour

I am happy you don't speak

You feel my thoughts

When silence is at its peak.

Solitude offers solace

And smiles gift caress

Hands come forward

Still I tread backward.

Because I find the world in you

You let me know what I need to do.

Swords of war and creeks of time

Are no match for the prowess in you

I am glad I met YOU and

Fell madly in love with you!

-Dedicated to the world of "WORDS"

Ode to an invitation.....

@CS Department,Feb 22 '07

It was any other day.

Attending classes never excited me.Neither was it welcome to my other four friends in the department.We were birds of the same feather flocked together.Back bench was heaven and haven to us.So while a boring Embedded Systems class was going on, I was happily stuck to my novel.None of my friends were building Rome either.At times my stray mind would ruminate over the way life treated me.And at times I would seek his face amidst a class of seventy.

He was seated in the same row on the opposite side.He always sat there.Either taking notes or solving CAT quantitative problems.There was something about him which distracted me today.

The first impressions- trust me were horrible!

*********************************************************************************

@CET, 2004

The first time we met - "Ordinary guy".

The first time we talked over phone - "Flirt!"

The first time we went out on a picnic with friends - "Narcissist"

And all this while I never cared to take note of his name.Neither did he cared about me.I was any other girl in the department.

@College Canteen, Jan 2005

"XTASY" was in full swing.He notices me for the first time while I sip a cup of coffee with my "not so useless" friends.

@Bhubaneswar Railway Station, Feb 2005

The entire gang is on its way to my home town.And I am busy being the matchmaker for two of my closest friends.One casual moment and then I find this guy reading a novel in the upper berth.He's cute.

@CET Hostel, Feb 2005

Gosh!I have a huge crush on him.

Everything about him was great!I followed him everywhere - canteen, library, classes and the corridors.I used to go for an evening stroll just to catch a glimpse of him.I read novels to discuss with him.I boarded the 7:30 bus to meet him.I was absolutely crazy about him.

We started talking, laughing,quarrelling and then finally - we became friends.Good Friends!I loved being with him.I realized he was more than a crush for me.Coz I had begun discovering life with him.But he did not feel the same for me.And it would have cost me dearly had I dared tell him what I felt.

@CET Department,2006

I stopped talking to him.He was not at fault neither was I.He tried hard to talk to me but I was stubborn.He still did not give up neither did I.Eventually Taurus won over Scorpio.But there was one regret.He never understood why.He was too innocent to comprehend he was the question and he himself -the answer.It was simply meant for the best.

@XTASY, Jan 2007

I was numb.I had started questioning emotions.I had stopped being myself.But there he was - my dear friend with arms wide open beckoning me to embrace his friendship.He understood me perfectly.He never asked me a question. He simply stood by me.He could comprehend my silence.He asked for nothing.His presence had again begun to comfort me.

*********************************************************************************

The bell rang.

Three years had passed and I had learnt there was never a denouement.I smiled to myself and went ahead to live life the way it should be - with friends who mattered.

@Barista, Feb 22 '07

The Guy in question : " I forgot to tell you something.....I LOVE YOU".

PS: My closest friends for whom I was playing the matchmaker are in a relationship since FEB 14 '05 :)

Regret for Regrets

I have my CAT tomorrow and I don't think any more preparation would do good to me.I have wasted the prime time in pursuing something else and today evening I realized how important CAT was to me.Well...one more addition to my list of regrets!

Those are the memoirs of a dark alley.I have tried hard not to look back but my subconscious mind never lets me forget it.Some things in life can never be mended but there are some which can be.But what ails me the most is - I can never get one more opportunity to relive this life.

I had a notebook where I used to list down my dreams. But today I don't want to have a look at it. Because there are certain wishes which can never come true.No matter how hard I try.

Inane Beliefs

Neither do I hate him for what he ever did to me nor do I like him for what he is doing still.Yet somewhere in my psyche,he is my concern though I don't know in what capacity.I have never questioned either his words or his demeanour.He is so different from what he claims to be.At times I am skeptical of having ever known him also.I don't know what category he fits into either.

At times human beings are so blinded by their convictions that they fail to notice the obvious.They don't accept...to be precise-they don't try to accept reality.Perhaps I am one of them.I hate it to say that I know it ...but I still succumb to it.Coz of a reason which is not so simple.

The Quest

"What am I running after...Where is my final destination...Why don't I get satisfied with what I have in my life..."

There are a many why's and what's to be answered still.

I have a pretty decent life.I earn.I have a loving family.I have an okay salary ;) and a pretty fine professional life as well.I have a respectable education and most importantly I have found the one in my life too.Then what is it that I am seeking for?I never tend to be content with what life does to me.I seek more and that perfectly is what I call my ambition.It drives me crazy.

I do not know what is the kind of life I aspire for...still I ask for more.I want to get higher and higher in life...thought I don't know where that higher ends.I want the best's of life...but I have no idea what this superlative signifies.I dream of fame and higher education and eventually (to be frank )money...but I am not sure if I will have the time to spend it.Desires exist and I have found the path as well but I do not know if its worth it.

I wish life was simple...atleast my thinking and my aim could have been.But then I get just one life.The craze is to live it to the most.I want to experience life in its truest sense.I know my quest is never ending but I just have one wish...I want myself and the people whom I value the most to be the way they are now..forever and ever.

I just don't want to be a part of this philosophy

"I tried so hard and reached so far...but at the end it doesn't even matter".

?

"I don't understand what's happening to me.I am flustered.I am tense.I just didn't realize when and how this happened to me.But definitely this was never expected of me. A whirlpool of thoughts and a hurricane of questions.All that I know is it's definitely not right...."

-Majority of the common mass

"....if I go by what the world says.Not even the world rather what a fraction of the society (who never try to come out of their cocoon of idiosyncrasies) think.But who cares.I am answerable for my actions not for my thoughts...."

-A few

There is nothing right or nothing wrong in thinking.Nobody in the world cares what you think but they do care what you do.Each one of us know that there are a thousand of secrets buried deep down inside you which you yourself dread to face.And some of them if executed would mark you a heterodox as well.But our mind is like a no man's land.It breaks free all fetters .Why shouldn't it either? At least that's the realm where we think aloud. But for the few people who do what they believe is right- hats off to you.I call you guys "the intelligentsia."After all we define the protocols of living and anything that makes us happy at the end of the day justifies the single life we have been treasuring.

Still there are Peter Keating's in majority and Howard Roark's in minority.Your call?

A thought

When you don't understand how it feels like

When one stops breathing...

When one is lost somewhere...

When one stops being what he/she is...

When one stops living...

My dear Friend

Either you have never been in love or you have never borne a broken heart.

Still we celebrate and mourn for the same feelings with a hope in our heart that someday, somewhere,sometime - he/she will understand.

No strings attached

I never understood what you meant to me till yesterday night.I was feeling so terrible and there you were with your "available" status in gtalk.I cant tell you dear how much happy I was to find you online.I could just let go of everything I was going through.I don't know how you manage to understand me so perfectly.The geographical distances doesn't matter when it comes to you and me.Trust me when I say that you are the elixir to my woes.I can share with you almost anything and everything.You are more than a friend to me.I am so happy I ever met you.The world knows we are alter egos but I know you are my bestest half.Friendship has no better definition than you and me.I miss you so much dear.You mean to me more than any friend ever did.You are one of the best chapters of my life.Thanks for being my awesomest friend.

With love,

Duffy

The Untold

For all those times when I have been mad at you for no reason,angry on you for silly matters and having hated you for the uncountable misunderstandings ; I dedicate this to you.Neither I offer any explanation nor am I flaunting my love.Its just that certain things in life are better expressed this way.Perhaps the untold and the unheard phrases of life are beautiful because they are expressed different.And this is when people say "You are in love".

I never understood the why's and how's of your patience when it came to me.Every time we had a fight, it was you who always came back to me with a smile .It was always you who had a solution to the incompatibilities we had.It was again you who always had this amazing trust on me.You were the one I could always look up to and with you I could think loud.At times I wondered, why could I never be you?I do not know what I would have done had it not been YOU.

Thank you for being there and most importantly for being with me when am at my worst.Thank you for accepting me the way I am.Thank you for being what you are.Thank you for everything dear.It would take me a life time if I try to thank you for all that you have done to me but they say "You never have to say a sorry or thank you when you are in love" and I feel the same for you.I want to live my life with you the way we do.

An Identity

Its a sunday afternoon and I am perfectly idle.Before I could get into any devilish thought,I thought it better to pen down something.It depends on you how substantial it is.This blog is about me.

It has taken me years to know myself and I still am amazed when I find new shades to my personality.I am a soul who would refute the typical definition of a "girl" yet I am feminine.I am stubborn,headstrong yet emotional,love to live in my quixotic world yet pragmatic,dead ambitious but compromising and definitely the right person at the right place for the right things.I know my limits and whenever I feel my stray mind demands to cross this barrier,I don't let go of it.I have my own idiosyncrasies,my own ethics, my own principles but I bend them whenever I feel like satisfying my self-serving bias.I am a perfectly ordinary girl who dreams of achieving the extra ordinary.I am a person who has strong definitions of her likings and prejudices.I am not ideal and I err.Sometimes the sense of guilt which creeps into me is too strong.I strive to reach out to the excellence deep within me.I feel everything's relative in this life and so I have no absolute feelings.I have my own weaknesses and gladly enough I know them.I am an individual who loves her self-esteem and dignity more than anything else.I can fight against any odds for it.I dread to face my subconscious coz I know I have something over there which I would never like to face.I am not a maverick neither am a heterodox.I am a simple girl with the most complex psyche.

I am the person who would ideally love Howard Roark and I prefer solitude.I love everyone who is a part of my life and I am happy we ever met. I always try to find out the right reasons for anything that I do.I am absolutely content for everything I own and possess.I paint my illusions with the colors of my dreams.I have suffered a lot for not making it out to the top of what I ever desired of but now that everything seems to fall in place,I have come to know that I should always wait for the right time to come through.I know I just have to hold onto to make my dreams come true.I am the one who has realised that we will never get everything and anything that we crave for .Coz at the end of the day whatever happens, happens for a reason and that reason is always awesome.

I am an imperfect individual who tries to match the most of perfection.I know what I am and perhaps thats what drives me to the dead end of everything.Till I meet my subconscious, I know I will dread nothing.I am a part of the quarter life crisis now but I know I will come out of it too.I love my life and I live it.Perhaps thats what keeps me going on and on.You can call me a narcissist for this but I absolutely love myself.