Early Morning Musings

It has been quite a long time since I didn't sleep through the night. One such night was yesterday. I had slight fever earlier in the evening. Thanks to my husband who got the medicines even late at night, I found some respite from the condescending cold and flu who love me way too much. But I woke up around 3 am and haven't been able to sleep after that. I dread this hour and to my luck, here I was wide awake. I thought of talking to my friends staying in the other side of the world. It would have been easy and comforting too but for some reason I chose not to. I started searching randomly scholarly articles over the net. Got bored of it and soon turned to Facebook for something interesting in other people's lives. I was further bored and irritated reading their judgments and opinions. Finally took to self-introspection and I found respite.

What was bothering me? Why was I unhappy despite having a good family, life partner, work, interests and few close friends? What was it that was paining me? Bothering me? I knew the answer deep down inside of me. Past few days at work had been very tough. I was doing my best at work and I was happy. Being the person I am, I self appraise myself and if I am happy, I knew there was nothing amiss. I had received my share of appreciation too and was building my way up the ladder. I was at my authentic best too.But there was something apart from this which I was experiencing for the first time. I could sense discontent amongst my team members for the path I had taken. They came wearing the mask of friendship and had begun to stab me from behind.I was not sure if its the insecurity or the politics of collaboration that was hurting me. I had begun to feel lonely. I wasn't used to this atmosphere. I always had genuine friends at workplace. I am used to the times when we as friends, together found our solace in venting out our frustration against our manager/supervisor. But here the case was different. I was experiencing to be in the shoes of someone else. For the first time I realised that work isn't everything in the corporate. It is just one aspect of the entire marathon.

I am not sure how I will cope with it. After about 3 hours of deep thought, I have decided to seek a professional mentor out of my company. I aspire many things but peace and happiness over throw everything else. One thing I learnt for sure. As and when I climb up the ladder, it becomes more imperative for me to study people, analyze them and ensure only a  few go through the night I have had today.

Thoughts of the Past - XVI

There were a thousand emotions running across her mind. It seemed history. He seemed to be a figment of her imagination now. Everything flashed across her eyes - the fresher's party, the college days, summer breaks, placements,Aditi's wedding etc etc. There were a thousand things which went unsaid between them. But whose fault was it? Did she want to blame him then or even now? They took a lot of decisions. Who knew what was right, what was wrong. They were just taken and it had brought them here today, at the cusp of taking yet another decision. She didn't want to meet him. For her, it was a chapter closed. Done and dusted. What did life or he wanted from her now?

He lied still, few metres away from her, being attended by a nurse. He looked pale. Age had taken a heavy toll on him. He kept staring at the ceiling. She wasn't sure what she would speak to him. With every step of hers getting her closer to him, she felt an unusual rush through her. She felt different. There was happiness, there was nervousness. But most of all the eagerness to have this moment with him. Finally she was near him, standing right beside him. She didn't remember when was the last time she had been this close to him. She felt weirdly complete as she touched his hand and held it tight. He was still looking at the ceiling. Her touch startled him. He looked at her. They smiled and kept looking at each other, without saying anything. They held each other's hands tightly.

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"Sister, can you give us some time with each other? I will ask for you when needed." - said Rya

"Sure. But make sure he doesn't exert himself much"- said the nurse and left the room.

Rya closed the door and looked back at Ryan. It was their moment. There was nothing between them. She went and sat near him, held his hands and looked deep into his eyes. She could feel the same warmth of love which she had for him. She laughed. She laughed hard. Ryan was surprised.

"It could have been a hell lot of things between us except for this Ryan. Except for this what we are or where we are today. You and I could have been together, but not this way. You and I loved. We still do. I compromised. You suffered. I was stubborn. You were stupid. I was practical. You were emotional. And look where we ended up!! We screwed up when two lives were at stake and now you expect us to fix it when four lives are involved.!!"

"Rya, for once stop thinking about others. It is about what we want. Do you love me?" - cried Ryan.

"Yes I do. I always did and will continue loving you. But it isn't about it only. You didn't understand it then and you don't even now. We had our chances. We ruined it. We deserve to be where we are. Accept it. Do not tie it with your feelings."

"I do not get it. Honestly I don't. I don't even want to get it Rya. Just come with me. Let us put all of this behind and start afresh."

"You are the road I left behind, many many years ago Ryan. I have started on a different journey on a different path. It has its own ups and downs but now I am on it, with it. I cannot leave it behind me. I own my decision and you got to own yours."

"I don't own anything Rya. I am a loner. I am still where you left me behind. I am beckoning you to come back. To come back to where you belong."

"No. You do. You owe someone who gave her entire life to you, selflessly. Marriage ain't a joke. You made love a farce and now you're doing the same to marriage."

"She married me. I never loved her or will ever do. I have never loved anyone but for you Rya. Why don't you get it????"

"Any why don't you get it that I can't come back to you Ryan. What was ours is gone. Once upon a time I agree I loved, truly I did, But now I have matured."

"Why did you come back to see me then?"

"To find you a closure. I didn't want to meet you at every turn of my journey and then feel helpless of my past. I have good memories of it and I hold on to it with my dearest of feelings and emotions. I find solace in my memories and you are the best of it all. Love is irreplaceable Ryan. I have just sent it to the back of the recesses of my mind. Everytime I want it, I still feel it but unknown to everyone. I live in the hope of my lost love but am present in the love which found me. I have found my balance. You got to find yours."

"And are you happy?"

"Try it. There is nothing happier than having it both. Do not try to read too deep into all. It will take away the simplicity of it. And its tough to lead it simple, easy to complicate it."

Rya let go of his hand and stood up. Ryan sat still. She kissed him on his forehead and went ahead to open the door.

"Rya!!"

"Yes Ryan?"

"Do you think we can be together in our next life time?" - smiled Ryan.

"We are together even in this. The beauty is nobody knows it but for our hearts". 

Ryan smiled.

She opened the door to find Meeta standing outside. Giving her a hug, she wished her good luck and walked ahead.

She looked back one last time and found Ryan and Meeta hugging each other.There were tears in her eyes as she put her sunglasses on but simultaneously she had a wide smile on her lips.

(The End)

Thoughts of the Past - XV

"Where are we going Kartik? You sound crazy to me. You don't even know the place. Everyone would be waiting for us back there."

"Mom, it won't take more than an hour. You got to have some patience. I have a surprise for you. Just trust me and walk with me" - said Kartik.

"You have come here for the 1st time and you got a surprise for me!!  At least you should have got your father with us. You kids are mad!!" - cried Rya and walked along with him.

Before long, they entered a cafe. It was a small, quaint cafe with a few people around. The air smelled good. Jars of cookies and coffee beans filled the shelves of the cafe.

"How did you find this place..." - continued Rya, seemingly interested looking around.

"Mom, meet Mrs. Meeta, Ryan Mehra's wife."

Rya turned her head instantly to find Meeta smiling at her, ready to give a hug. She was not sure how to respond to either her or the situation. She looked at Kartik, with an askance.

"Do not ask me how I met her or where I met her. She wanted to meet you and this was the only way I could reach out to Mr. Ryan. This is all for Kavya. I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I wasn't sure if you would agree to come, considering how you reacted the other day."

Rya was silent. Meeta hugged her and spoke "Finally!"

"Hi. Hi. I am sorry. I was a bit surprised..... or may be shocked.... I didn't anticipate all of this....Truly I didn't.... How are you doing? ......I didn't even know Ryan was married..... Actually we haven't been in touch for quite some time.....Hows he doing....You got kids?" - stammered Rya.

"Kartik, do you mind excusing your Mom and me for some time" - said Meeta.

"Oh Yeah. Sure. Not a problem".

"Thanks!!!" - smiled Meeta.

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"I don't know where to start or how to answer all your questions Rya. May be Ryan is the best person to answer them all. All that I know is you hold the same place in Ryan's life as does Ryan hold in mine. He has never got past you and trust me I have no regrets or no complaints. He had confessed this to me even then. I felt I could change things. I felt I could change him, his feelings from you to me. Even when we got married, it was my stubbornness to have Ryan. My will to possess him. My will to marry him. My will to love him. And it stayed the same way for years, even now. Initially I bore hatred for you. I wanted to erase you off his memory. I was unable to understand how a person could still have feelings for another person who has moved on in her life, who is miles away from him and who has probably found love and life in someone else. Ryan's selfless love and eternal commitment for you in the form of his silence tortured me. I left him, thinking it will affect him. He will miss me and he will beckon me. But I was wrong. He stayed in that small cottage. He named it combining your and his name and he stayed still and calm. He didn't long for me. I came back for him. I was the one who got affected. I still loved him and that's when I realized what he goes through everyday because I go through the same...every single day. What keeps me and him alive is probably the feeling which we have for the person we love."

"You must be thinking why I am saying you all this. Probably you have moved far ahead and you do not wish to look back. Ryan never told me how things were between you two. Neither did I dare ask. But the reason I asked you to come today is more out of my selfish motive. I want to see him happy. I want him well. He is at the hospital now and the doctors are unable to find him a cure. He doesn't speak to anyone anymore. He stares blankly and occasionally mutters your name. I want you to come with me and see him. Please help me!! For my sake!! God willed for us to meet and now I will to save my husband. Please come with me Rya." - cried Meeta.

"Where is he now?"

(To be continued...)

Recesses of the Mind

A pain so deep you know not how to let go of it
Strengths turning to weaknesses you never thought of
Memories so strong that its hard to rub off
No one to open up to or share your inner conflicts with

Fear of being misunderstood, immature and probably selfish.
Cornered for being partial and loving conditional.
For being a person who has changed with time.
And for being perceived as the one who has it all.

Look beyond the deep eyes and the tired soul
Not the smile I flaunt
Dig for the thousand sorrows I hide
Stab me not with your love's brunt.

A bit of love, a bit of compassion
Add to it a pinch of understanding
Don't judge me for who I am not
Accept me with a sense of belonging

If you can't offer me this
I am hungry for nothing more
Leave me to my world of black and white
Don't make my heart go further sore.

I held your hand then and his now
Tomorrow I may walk lone and low
If you didn't understand me today
I don't expect you to understand me tomorrow

I will still be behind you
My care, my love or my feelings
Is here to stay
But as of now,
Lets stay away, lets stay happy.

Thoughts of the Past - XIV

The next morning, Kartik went to the same place. But this time he went alone. After yesterday's warning to Kavya by her mother, it was not possible for her to accompany him. He loved the place. There was something around it which beckoned him in an eerie way. The best part of the place was the river flowing nearby. He went and sat on its banks and tried thinking of what had happened last night. It seemed peculiar.He had never seen his mother this way.

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"Mom...the place is so beautiful!!I want to take you there tomorrow."

"Which place? And whose idea was it?? Your aunt had gone crazy when she got to know Kavya was outside. In India, these kind of things are still not acceptable, you know. " - said Rya and smiled.

She was folding the clothes when Kartik came from behind and hugged her.

"And do you think the same too?" - asked Kartik.

Rya turned around and said "No. But simultaneously, I don't want any unnecessary trouble sweetheart. Kavya is a sweet girl. She deserves a happy and nuisance free marriage."

Rya went near the cupboard to keep the pile of clothes.

"Do you know Ryan Mehra Mom? He studied with you and Kavya's parents in the same college right?"

For a moment, Rya felt as if time had stopped. She didn't know what to say. She looked back at Kartik.

"How do you know him?" - asked Rya.

"Mom!! Does it really matter? Did you ever interact with him? Are you still in touch with him or do you know anybody who can help me get in touch with him? I have been thinking..."

"Actually I should ask Aditi Auntie about him. He was her friend. She might be knowing...but had she known, Kavya could have contacted him...I just don't know..." - continued Kartik. He seemed to be really perplexed about finding Ryan and was trying to find out links to reach out to him.

"How do you know him Kartik???? " - shouted Rya.

"Cool down Mom. Why are you so angry? Kavya mentioned him. She seems to be pretty close to him. She shared a significant part of her childhood with him. But now she is unable to find him. If I could help her find him, she would have her best wedding gift, you see "- said Kartik and smiled.

"But why did you get so angry? What's the matter Mom..."

"Nothing. Nothing Kartik" - said Rya and went back to the pile of clothes.

"There is something Mom!! I have never seen you this angry. Do you know him?..."

"Whats happening between mother and son?? "- said Aditi and entered into the room. She put a big yellow sweet into Kartik's mouth and said "You won't get this there. Just eat and relish" and smiled.

"Rya. I need you downstairs. We have a ritual in which we need married women. Come downstairs in next 10 minutes." - said Aditi and turned back to leave.

"Auntie. I want to talk to you for a couple of minutes. Can I come with you?" - asked Kartik.

"I am going downstairs. You can talk to Aditi here." - said Rya and left abruptly.

Aditi could not understand what was happening around. She looked at Rya and knew something had affected her deep.

When Kartik asked her of Ryan, she understood everything. She denied knowing anything about Ryan and suggested Kartik to stop bothering about finding him and rather enjoying the marriage. But she knew she had to speak to Rya.

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Kartik wasn't a kid anymore. He knew there was something about this guy. He had to find him. But "how" was the question. There was nobody to help him out. As he sat near the banks, he saw somebody sitting on the other side of the river. She was a lady, the age of his mother probably. She seemed to be in deep thoughts. Kartik felt an urge to speak to her. He didn't know why though. He had to cross the river. He tried searching for a bridge. There was none in sight. He kept walking for quite some distance until he found one. He crossed over and found that this part of the place was more beautiful than the one where he sat. There was a small cottage nearby too.

"She must be staying here." - thought Kartik.

It was a beautiful cottage. There was a small patio in front of the house too. Small flower plants added to the beauty of it. The house had a nameplate infront of it - "Aranya".

Kartik walked past it and stopped on reaching where the lady was sitting. His presence was comfortably ignored by her. She sat quietly. She had tears in her eyes. She was in deep pain.

Kartik sat next to her. He tried to make a nervous attempt of conversing with her.

"This place is so beautiful!! Even the cottage! Do you stay there?" - asked Kartik.

The lady got startled. Probably she wasn't used to this encroachment in quite some time.

"Who are you? Why are you here?" - she asked.

"My name is Kartik. I stay in US. I have come to India for my friend's wedding. She showed me around this place yesterday. I liked it so much that I came back here today and I found you sitting here. Thought of ...talking to you..."

The lady got up and started walking away from Kartik, towards her cottage.

"Whats your name?" - asked Kartik from behind.

She didn't reply.

"Can we talk?..." - continued Kartik.

Still no reply.

"I am here to find a person. He used to come here often..."

She continued walking away from him.

"Ryan. Ryan Mehra. By any chance do you know him?...".

She stopped. 

Turning behind, she asked Kartik "Who are you?"

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After hearing everything from Kartik, Meeta (the lady) heaved a long sigh. She looked down and smiled to herself.

" Kartik, can you do me a favour?"

"Yeah. Sure." - replied Kartik.

"Meet me tomorrow at this address and get your mother with you."

She scribbled the address on a piece of paper and handed it over to him.

"Can we meet Mr. Mehra tomorrow" - asked Kartik, being hopeful.

Meeta had given him the hope that she knew Ryan.

"Kartik. Lets meet tomorrow first." - said Meeta and got up to leave.

"But you didn't tell me who are you and how do you know him? " - asked Kartik.

Meeta paused for a second and finally said "I am his wife."

(To be continued...)

In response to Leibster Award

Thank you Salvwi for honouring me with the recognition! I am humbled. Even though I write to satiate myself and my thoughts, it feels good to be appreciated.

As per the rules of the award, I lay down 11 facts about myself as below:

1. I am spiritual.

2. I have strong will power.

3. I am short tempered.

4. I love philosophy, literature and business.

5. I am passionate about writing, dancing and travelling.

6. My favourite sitcom is FRIENDS.

7. I have a huge crush on Hrithik Roshan, still.

8. I am a cheerful person.

9. I am a J type personality (Refer MBI Test)

10. I love my family and friends.

11. I aspire to be an entrepreneur someday.

Answering Salvwi's questions:

1. Do you like digital or hardcopy novels? - Hardcopy.

2. Which quality defines you? - Optimism

3. If you were a colour, which one you would choose to be and why? - Blue. It pacifies everything around.

4. List three things without which you don't leave your house ever? - House Keys, Mobile and Wallet

5. How important is your blog for you? - As important as the right brain is for the body.

6. Can writing be an acquired talent? - Yes. It can be. Eg - Content Writing.

7. How did you pamper yourself today? - By having home made virgin mojito for the first time.

8. Did you meet an old friend recently? - Yes. I met my friend from graduation and it felt good.

9. What would you like to change in yourself, if at all? - A bit less of temper.

10. What is your greatest accomplishment in life? - Marrying the guy I love.

11. How happy are you today? - As happy as the drops of rain falling from the sky.

Bloggers who left their impact on me:

1. Kaniska Mohanty

2. Salvwi Prasad

3. Soumya

4. Amit Kar

5. Samparna Tripathy

Questions for my nominees:

1. What makes you happy?

2. Your greatest regret in life.

3. Do you believe in spirituality? Reason.

4. Apart from your partner, who are you most close to in your life?

5. According to you, what is so weird about you?

6. Favourite word.

7. What according to you is a myth?

8. Your role model

9. Alternate career you aspire for.

10. The animal you most resemble to.

11. Your Dream Travel Destination.

When a blogger accepts the award, the blogger has to:

1. Write 11 facts about his/her self

2. Answer 11 questions from your nominator

3. Nominate 11 blogs with under 200 followers

4. Leave 11 questions for the nominees to answer

Quote Challenge - Day 3

Continuing with the challenge on Day 3, I would like to mention the above quote, in which I truly madly and deeply believe in. I  don't know its origin but this is probably the purest form of truth I have ever heard or read. No matter what happens, life goes on. It doesn't wait. And you got to walk with it. Even if you want, you cannot stop it from its due course of time and when the time comes, even then you cannot change its will. Life is free and it doesn't get affected by the mundane.

There have been times when I have asked life to stop, for all the mean things I was being afflicted with. I had lost hope. I had lost the zeal to live.I felt nothing could ever become worse than this and I could never go back to normal. But my life didn't pay heed to me. It went on. It went on to make me believe that I was wrong. I became better and mature with all the meanness of life. I went ahead in life. I could see the morning after the night. I am still not sure if whatever happened was for the best or worst but I didn't have a choice. I had to accept it. But my acceptance didn't lead me to the dark. It went on to give me opportunities to better my life and I did.

The best part of life is the surprises it throws at you. The best is not to get baffled but accept the challenge and go on to find what's in store for you. As long as you can dream, you can live and try to live that dream.  We can love our lives, hate it too but just can't ignore it and that's what they mean when they say LIFE GOES ON.

Thank you Salvwi for nominating me for this.

Since I do not know a lot of bloggers, I nominate anybody and everybody from the blogger world to take up this challenge and write about their favourite quotes.

The 3 day Quote Challenge is all about:

1. Post one of your favourite quotes (different quote on each day) on three consecutive days. The quote can be from your favourite book, author or your own.
2. Nominate 3 bloggers with each post to challenge them.
3. Thank the blogger, who nominated you.

Thoughts of the Past - XIII

31 years later

"Don't panic Aditi. Everything will be done. We still have a week left."

"Anand!!! There is so much left to do and you are not worried!! Its not a house party!!!" - cried Aditi.

"I know sweetheart!" - smiled Anand and hugged Aditi.

He continued- " It will just be the way you have dreamt of. I assure you. Now go and spend some time with her. She has been complaining of you not giving her time since the last 3 weeks."

Aditi looked up at Anand. She had tears in her eyes.

"Is she actually going to leave us? I can't believe she is getting married. Our little daughter..."

"Aditiii....Technically she left us much earlier when she went for her graduation. And all of us have been brought up this way. So stop being melodramatic now! You should be happy we are going to have an addition in the family". - said Anand and smiled.

"Hmmm. I just want Kavya to be happy and I hope Kabeer is the right guy for her."

"Aditi. We should have faith in our children's choices. Just the way we had in ours. "

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"Mom. It's too hot. Can we please get back inside the car?"

Rya took one more sip from her cup and looked smilingly at her son, who was bothered by the Indian Sun due to her insistence on having tea at a local betel shop. She always loved the tea from the stalls instead of the cafes. They seemed to have the perfect taste.

"Dad. Say something to Mom!!! I am sweating all over. Why can't we have it inside the car? I just don't get it." - cried Kartik.

Rishabh pat Kartik on his back and said "Your Mom loves India and the flavours it has. She got you here for the same reason. Try to experience India, as it is and you might fall in love with it just the way I fell in love with your Mom". He smiled and looked at Rya. She had already deep dived into her thoughts.

"I still don't get it. I am getting inside. Come soon." - said Kartik and ran towards the car.

"What happened Rya? Are you OK?" - asked Rishabh.

"Yeah. Yeah. I am fine. I just got lost. Stupid old memories, you know"- shrugged Rya.

"Where is Kartik? Lets go. Aditi must be waiting" - continued Rya and got up and walked towards the car. She didn't even look back.

Rishabh looked at her and knew it was HIS thoughts which had got Rya once again. He knew there was something Rya never shared with him. Even after this long! He had no complaints against her. She had never given him an opportunity to blame her for anything. She had given her best to the home, the family, to Karthik and to the marriage but not to Rishabh. After that trip back from India, Rya had changed completely. Even though he wanted her to reconsider the marriage, she was vehement on marrying him. Rishabh didn't understand her. He knew he had a happy family and a happy life but he also knew a part of Rya was never happy in it.

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"Rya!!!!!" - cried Aditi on opening the door and hugged her friend tightly.

There was happiness all around. Even though everyone knew each other, it was a different feeling to have met after a gap of 9 years. And for Kartik, he was meeting Aditi, Anand and Kavya for the first time. He had heard a lot about them though. Rya wanted Kartik to marry an Indian girl and so she insisted on Kartik attending the wedding, with the hope that Kartik would love the Indian culture. However, Kartik was least interested in the whole affair and he was counting his days to return back to home.

"Good morning Kartik!!" - greeted Kavya as she entered into Kartik's room next day morning.. Everyone else being busy with either the preparations or meeting after so long, Kavya found Kartik to be the only other person who was getting bored in this entire farce.

"Goood Morning Kavya! What are you doing here? Aren't you the bride?" - said Kartik.

"Aaah yeah...I am...but the wedding is after 6 days. I am getting bored. I am the special person but everyone here doesn't have time for me. Most importantly, my parents!!!" - said Kavya with a sigh.

"I thought I could spend some time with you. I am sure you are getting bored too." - added Kavya.

"Well its your wedding and I am taught not to be impolite. But yeah I am getting bored!! Big time!! I don't know people here and the heat along with the crowd. Its maddening." - said Kartik with a smile.

Kavya smiled. She was impressed with Kartik's candid nature.

"Hmm. Get ready! I will try to make your  India visit worthwhile. I will show you around." - said Kavya.

"Cool. Ummm...Kavya we are going in a AC car, right?" - asked Kartik.

"Nopes. We will get caught. I am not allowed to go outside. But I have something better than the car.Meet me near the rear gate."

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"Wow!This place is beautiful! Do you come here often?"- asked Kartik.

"Not now. But when I was small, I used to come here often. One of my uncles used to get me here. I loved those escapades. I had a lot of fun. We cycled, trekked and did crazy things.  My parents used to accompany me too. But as and when I grew up, I didn't find much time to come here." - said Kavya.

"Hmm. But this isn't very far from your place. How come its not so crowded?"

" People nowadays don't have much time for nature. Strange it is, but we always chase the mundane things of life, leaving behind the true beauties." - said Kavya with a hint of nostalgia.

"Thoughtful!! So tell me about Kabeer. How did you guys meet and all...."

Kavya and Kartik spent the whole day there, talking about their lives. The friendship their mothers shared had somehow trickled down the next generation as well. They wondered how well they got along and in such a short time. Around noon, Kavya got a call from Aditi but she was too smart to trick her mother to believe she was just around the corner and added that Kartik was with him too.

As they got up to leave, Kartik asked "K, where is that Uncle you used to come here with?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him since I left home for studies. I asked Mom too. But she hasn't heard from him either. I miss him. Back then, I didn't value his time, his care and his love. Today when I want him to be a part of the biggest day of my life, I am unable to find him. I truly wish if he could come back."

"Hmm. No phone number, email id of his?" - asked Kartik.

"Yeah. I have his email id. I mailed him quite many times. But he never replied. I wonder if he ever read any of those. I wonder if he is.."

"What's his name?" - interrupted Kartik.

"Ryan. Ryan Mehra."

(To be Continued...)

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Links to earlier posts:

Thoughts of the Past - I

Thoughts of the Past - II

Thoughts of the Past - III

Thoughts of the Past - IV

Thoughts of the Past - V

Thoughts of the Past - VI

Thoughts of the Past - VII

Thoughts of the Past - VIII

Thoughts of the Past - IX

Thoughts of the Past - X

Thoughts of the Past - XI

Thoughts of the Past - XII

Quote Challenge - Day 2

Continuing with the quote challenge; on Day 2, I would like to mention the above quote from George Orwell's famous novel 1984. I love this quote because despite being so simple, it conveys one of the most powerful messages for mankind.

How many times has an individual, who claims to be free, actually feels free to express his/her beliefs or opinion without feeling scared of the consequences? We are free as long as we can boldly speak of our beliefs. What we believe is what we conceive the truth to be. There has to be absolute freedom, in every form, for a human being, to feel free. Only then a state of true democracy prevails. For an Utopia to be born, the human mind has to be free from fear. Only when we think free, we act free. The rest is just what we want and how we want it to be.

Thank you Salvwi for nominating me for this.

Since I do not know a lot of bloggers, I nominate anybody and everybody from the blogger world to take up this challenge and write about their favourite quotes.

The 3 day Quote Challenge is all about:

1. Post one of your favourite quotes (different quote on each day) on three consecutive days. The quote can be from your favourite book, author or your own.
2. Nominate 3 bloggers with each post to challenge them.
3. Thank the blogger, who nominated you.

Quote Challenge - Day 1

I love quotes, especially the ones which befits the situation we are in at a point of time. It makes me believe somebody has gone through what I am currently going through and listening to his/her experience and wisdom is the finest way of inspiring myself. I feel I am a part of the journey, already traversed by a great soul.

On Day 1, I would like to mention the entire commencement speech by Steve Jobs at Stanford University (2005)as THE QUOTE which inspires me the most. I am sure all of you have come across it. If you haven't, I would sincerely urge you to do the same at the earliest. The lines, mentioned at the beginning of this post, are the ones which appeal the most to me in the entire address. I came across them while reading about Steve Jobs. Its been my favourite since then. In fact, I have a print out pinned to my cubicle wall which I religiously read to myself before I start work every single day.

These lines empower me. It reinforces the fact that we are the best masters of our self. It makes death look more like a milestone rather than a tombstone. Every time I read it, I feel like doing justice to my talent, my wishes, my knowledge, my ambition and my life. It stresses the fact that I am living my life for myself. Not for somebody else. It makes me fearless and resist the norm, if I know what's right and what's wrong. When I look at these lines, I also look at Steve and I feel he is speaking to me and only me and urging me to make that change in my life, which I have been postponing for no reason - logical or good enough. It frees me of the unwanted shackles holding onto me.

These lines, in fact the entire commencement address, has an utmost significance in my life. It has made me confident of the decisions I have taken till now and the ones I will ever take in future. It has made me tread on the career I wanted to and simultaneously leave behind everyone, who was illogical and dogmatic. Its not just a quote but a way of life for me.

Thank you Salvwi for nominating me for this wonderful challenge! I am fond of quotes and this opportunity gives me the perfect platform to write about the special ones. I have known you from quite a long time and reading your blogs just makes it better to know what goes on inside that creative mind of yours. I love your poems especially and the fact that you still pursue your writing passion so deeply inspires me to pursue mine.

Today I nominate Amit, Samparna and Amrita to take up this challenge. It has been a while since I read something on these lines from you guys.

The 3 day Quote Challenge is all about:

1. Post one of your favourite quotes (different quote on each day) on three consecutive days. The quote can be from your favourite book, author or your own.
2. Nominate 3 bloggers with each post to challenge them.
3. Thank the blogger, who nominated you.

My Greatest Fear

I fear not to have travelled the world less
Or be known more for my ignorance
Ignominy or poverty don't scare me either
Let alone loneliness, despair or sickness.

Break my trust, I shall feel low
Leave me and go, I will not follow
Love me less, I will love you more
Make me cry and I shall mature.

As long as I have the hope
Of meeting them someday somewhere
I am not afraid of life's game
Sometimes fair sometimes unfair

Facing my fear, I for sure abhor
It being a part of me, I just can't ignore.
Quite like every one here,
I too have my greatest fear.

Just can't lose the people I love and care for
And survive a life with no trace of before.

When they got to talk...

When my mind and my heart got to talking; the conversation went something like this:

Mind: Is it alright to be a no one amidst this chaos of career, fame, money and its ilk?

Heart :  Absolutely. Everything is unlimited. You can never have the bigger pie. Go for wisdom, love, health, spirituality and peace instead. Live content.

Mind: Should we always dream of the future and analyse the past?

Heart : Stop analysing. Keep dreaming. Whatever keeps you happy. Live in the moment.

Mind: Is it ideal to plan for everything in our life?

Heart: Don't be a coward. Face the uncertainties life offers you. That's the plan life's got for you.

Mind: Is it fine to disappoint people around us?

Heart: Perfectly. You are not you if you don't have a few disappointed relationships around you.

Mind: Should we start searching for our happiness in others happiness? 

Heart: Everybody is searching for their own share of happiness. You search for yours. If both of you meet, greet and walk on.

Mind: Is it stupid to display our emotion? Prove our feeling?

Heart: Where lies trust and genuineness, there is no need to prove. Displaying it or not depends on whether it makes you happy or not.

Mind: Fast is good. Affairs are bad. Silence is weakness. Travel.Save money. What else?

Heart: Do what you want to do. Nothing is good or bad. These are all views and you have yours too. You have no memory of your past life and you got just this one to live.

Mind: Thank you! It helped.

Heart: It was my opinion. You have your own. And that's the reason the person reading our conversation is so doomed.

One fine day...

It was more than six years since Myrah and Kabeer were married. They knew each other since under-grad and after a steady five year old relationship, decided to tie the knot with parents consent. The initial years of marriage were good, just as it is for any couple. But things started to fall apart gradually after the third year. Kabeer, unwillingly, left his well settled and comfortable job for a career in writing. He always wanted to be a writer but the constraints and expectations of domestic life had bound him in fetters. When Myrah supported him in this decision and convinced that there was no better time than then to do what he wanted to do, he left the reins of the house in the hands of Myrah completely. They knew the storm they were getting into but they were optimistic enough to beat it. They felt their love was enough but they underplayed the role their will power had to play in this journey of theirs.

Kabeer took to writing full time while Myrah continued with her job. She worked in a MNC and was earning enough to take care of the bills and rents, if not save a lot. This continued for a while until Myrah started falling sick frequently. She was diagnosed with CKD stage 5. Frequent dialysis and treatment ate up a significant part of their savings. Even though her company paid for the major part of it, their savings completely dried up by the end of her treatment. Things got a bit complicated when parents came into the picture. All of them were unaware of Kabeer being unemployed for over a year.While Kabeer's parents held Myrah responsible for the ongoing expenses, Myrah's parents questioned Kabeer's capability of earning.This unnecessary blame game between their parents forced them to ask their parents to leave them for good. 

After Myrah came back from hospital, Kabeer decided to leave his budding career for a company job. He felt it was better for Myrah to take rest for a while while he took care of the house. He knew that it would take him some time to get his works published and subsequently earn him the money. But neither did he have the time nor the patience then. Myrah didn't want him to but her physical condition and their financial position advised otherwise. She took a sabbatical for two years from her company and rested at home while Kabeer took to job hunt. But it wasn't easy to get a job after a career break, as opposed to what Kabeer or Myrah had thought. Entrepreneurship or a break to do something on your own doesn't always go down well with recruiters. Kabeer had a tough time to be employed back. Every job offer that he had in hand was offering him less than he deserved. His degree or his ego wasn't allowing him to accept it. In the meanwhile, their Provident Fund was their sole source of income. Their parents tried to help but Kabeer and Myrah have had enough. They simply refused and after a while due to their continued persistence, lied to them about Kabeer's job. Things did not improve even after a year. Kabeer was losing his confidence quicker than his PF. Their marriage had taken a toll too. Unemployment, lack of social life, tight budgets and every other negative sentiment had taken precedence over their love.

After another 6 months of continued failure at getting a job/pay of his satisfaction, Kabeer accepted the post of a junior executive in a small company. He felt it would put an end to the growing tensions between Myrah and him, at least temporarily. But he was wrong. Myrah wanted their marriage to move to the next level now. She wanted them to have a child. Kabeer was totally against it. He felt they were not fully prepared to entertain this decision for another year at least. Myrah tried to reason with him but in vain. In the meanwhile, her sabbatical was over by then and she had resumed her job recently. But the break had changed a lot of things for her at office, She did not get the recognition she used to get. There was a huge pressure on her in terms of working hours, commitments and travel at office. She was being treated as if she took a paid leave all this while. She wanted to start her career afresh but upon careful self-counselling, she felt she should get back to job after her maternity leave once and for all. In Kabeer's defense, he wanted a year to settle down properly. Their growing differences in decisions and willingness led to further crack in their marriage until one night when the blame game shifted to each other rather than anyone else. They exchanged heated words, glares with emotions welling up high on both sides and finally sleeping over the fight, unresolved.

Next day morning, Myrah left home for no specific destination. She felt life was too unfair to her. In her cognition, her dreams or her wishes weren't too ambitious to be denied to her. She felt her marriage which was until then her strongest pillar, was also crumbling down. Her failed attempts at motherhood further eroded her optimism about life.Nothing was going right. She didn't know what to do. She felt she wanted a break from everything to fix it all. Even from Kabeer.

 She walked and walked until she saw someone familiar standing in front of her, smiling at her and murmuring a few words too but her inner noise had submerged her into a calm unknown. Finally she was ousted out of her self.

"Hi Myrah.. How are you? Been a long time!!"- said she.

Myrah tried hard to recognize and the name almost came to her lips but she still could not remember.

"Myrah!!!!Myrah!!!"

"Anshiiiii!!! Where were you? How are you? You completely disappeared after college. I called you so many times. But you never picked up.What's up with you?" - cried out Myrah. 

She looked at Anshi as if the latter had come out of the ashes. Anshi smiled. Then they hugged each other tight.

"Let's go to the nearby cafe. I will answer each and every question of yours." - said Anshi.

Having ordered two cappuccinos, the two friends continued with their conversation...

Anshi, Myrah and Kabeer were engineering friends. While Myrah and Kabeer went ahead with further higher studies, Anshi joined a PSU. Despite being close friends, Anshi had distanced herself from Myrah after a few months of graduating from college. In fact she was not in contact with anyone. Anshi dated one of their batchmates, named Aariz during college. The fate of the relationship, being inter-religious, was unknown then. Aariz however married a girl from his own religion later. Kabeer and Myrah got to know it through social media. The relationship got over from that day for everyone else at least. 

Three cappuccinos got over, the sun too was about to retire but the two friends seemed to be there to think deep and conspire. Finally they asked for the cheque. While Myrah tried to pay for it, Anshi snatched it from her and smiled back saying "Let this one be on me". They hugged each other tight before bidding bye and when Myrah invited Anshi over to her place, Anshi told "Next Time. When life's better." They smiled at each other and headed in opposite directions.

On her way back, Myrah could not stop thinking. But this time it wasn't about her. All of a sudden, her life seemed good. Few things were not fair but they could all be set right. Everyone, she realized, had their own share of darkness. He/She who waited patiently for the sun might/will see the end of the night. There was no point trying to fix life. It will happen the way it is destined to. We can only fix ourselves and the way we chose to deal with it. She could not but help admire Anshi now.

*********************************************************************************

"My father opposed my marriage with Aariz. But I was stubborn too. I made it clear to my parents that I would not come home until they agreed to my marriage with him. Neither my parents took a step forward in this nor I. Initially my father and I would still talk to each other about everything else but for Aariz. Later, however, my father stopped talking to me. My mother told me that he was ill and that he wanted to see me. I did not believe them and accused them of emotionally blackmailing me. We stopped talking for about a year until one day I got to know that Aariz was getting married to someone else. I could not blame Aariz either. He had waited for me for more than 2 years, as promised. I had always decided to be true to both my loves - my parents and Aariz. So I decided never to marry and wished Aariz good luck for his future. I headed to home that day to tell my parents how their stubbornness had succeeded and yet failed. Upon reaching home, I found out that my father had expired seven months back. I didn't know what to do, what to prove and whom to prove. My ego, my pride, my decision - nothing mattered in the face of my father's death. Despite all this, my mother hugged me and probably cried far more than she had cried the day my father died."

"After six months, I married Kushal. It was a match arranged by my uncles and aunties. Kushal was from a well to do and good family. He was working in a software firm. I left my job to shift to a metro where he was working. My mother was happy for me and probably I was happy too, more for my mother than for myself. I felt I had undone the damage I did earlier to some extent by this marriage. But the truth was, I was indeed happily married. Kushal is a caring and loving husband and a good son too. We were blessed with a baby girl after 2 years of our marriage. Everyone and everything around us seemed to be happy and good. It was our daughter's first birthday and Kushal was returning from office that day to be with us for the celebrations. He met with a car accident. Fortunately he was saved but due to heavy injuries, he went into a coma. He still is in coma. I became a living corpse thereafter. I was unable to figure out why these things happened to me and only me. I started questioning everything in life. I went into a self-denial mode. But when my in laws put my baby girl in my laps, I found a sense of purpose in my life. I was living not only for myself but for others around me too. I grew optimistic about Kushal too. At least I can still sense his breath. I felt lucky against hundreds of others who had lost their kith and kin in this and other such accidents and mishaps. I hugged my baby girl tight and took her close to Kushal and made her touch against his forehead. It gave me a different sense of satisfaction and happiness."

" Ayushi is two years old now. Few days back, she was diagnosed with a condition in her heart for which she will have to use a VAD later in her life. I am not amazed. I have started counting my blessings before it becomes too few. Everything in our life is beyond our control, except for the state of our mind. Either I run away from it or I face it as it comes. The choice is mine. I still believe that I have good days ahead. If God had to take away Kushal and Ayushi from me, he would have done it earlier. He is just testing me. And I will patiently get tested with the hope that life gets better and fair."

*********************************************************************************

Myrah had reached home. She hurried towards the bedroom to find Kabeer. She had decided to hug him and tell him that "Everything will be all right Sweetheart. I am with you." There was a different glint in her eyes. The eyes of hope. She was happy after a long time. Strange it is, but sometimes we human beings, find our happiness amidst the turmoil of others. That again is life and we.

Finally she opened the door of her bed room and stood aghast. 

If only Kabeer met Anshi!

Afterglow

Thought life was about walking her dreams
Decided to travel and take the lead
Met her favourite people on way
But she left them behind instead

There was music in the air
There was beauty everywhere
But she set for the loneliness ahead
In search of success and her rightful share

The journey was long
But companions very few
Up at the top
It wasn't the utopia
She had in view

There were trees without leaves
Meadows without flowers
Seemed to be the land for the old
With no liveliness anywhere

A hand touched her from behind
Asking 'Young Lady, why are you here?"
She looked ahead, she looked behind
'Success' - she knew was the answer

But was she happy? Was she sad?
Was the destination worth her pain?
What seemed like a dream was finally an illusion
Of success and ambition in vain

The journey she traversed so fast
Had an equal amount of happiness and sorrow
But living it in its rightful time and measure
Was the right way to upgrow

Success is not the end, happiness is
So walk together and run slow
Love, Laugh and Live
Because life also has an afterglow!

Roobaroo with you

A year has passed since I wrote my last blogpost. Not that I was unaware of it, but I wasn't trying enough to do anything about it either. Quite a number of times, a few of my friends have even coerced me to write. But I was simply lazy and very conveniently I put the blame on life being busy. So here I am, finally, after a brief (lol) hiatus with updates of my life and a promise to write a blogpost soon.

For those of you who do not know and for those of you who know (let me say again), I got married last December. Life's been different since then, if not by pounds, but by ounces. We started our married life with 4 trolleys. It took a while to finally settle down, but thanks to the financing schemes available, we could finally have a decent home after months of planning and shopping. A harsh winter and the fact that we were both in the first year of our jobs made it tough for us. But now when we look back, we feel there is nothing better than setting up your own home. The sense of accomplishment is tough to be expressed.

Many friends and colleagues have always asked me about how different married life is. Rather, if I have to reframe the question, it is about the significance of marriage, its justification (sometimes) and its sustainability (most of the times). To be frank, I am not the right person to answer it. Probably we should ask our parents about the way they did it. But then most of us feel that there is huge generation gap which explains the patience and trust in their marriages. Well, if you still ask me, my answer is - So far its been good, Really really good. I would lie if I say that nothing changes. Things do change. Life changes too, but for good. There is a different happiness when you share your life with someone. Dating is significantly different from being married. The fact that somebody is waiting for you at home wipes away all the stress at workplace or anywhere else.Loneliness, however fancy or philosophical it may look like, is welcome only for guest appearances. Permanence of any nature kills you. Family, friends and relatives - everyone is important but when you think of the single most person who is going to be affected the most when you die, you realize how important your life partner is. People get cold feet of the compromises marriage brings forth. But its a compromise as long as you think it to be. If you are logical, you will understand that two people brought up in two different surroundings can only gel when there is a third different surrounding. And that third different surrounding happens when you take one step ahead and he/she takes the another.This makes the journey worthwhile. Marriage is good as long as you want and think it to be. Its not just about love, but also about trust and respect. If you are not proud of your spouse, you are not happy about your marriage. So don't get married because you have to, but because you want to and make it happen with the person you can commit to.

Well, that was a long lecture on marriage. Not my fault. You guys asked me so many times. So I had to pen it down. Now coming back to my life, I have bounced back from the initial hiccups of settling down. Job has been good but definitely not brilliant. I wonder how many of us would agree to the latter. Every other person I meet is either shifting his/her job or dissatisfied about his/hers. So I have left wondering about it unless I am frustrated enough to work on my CV over a weekend. I have not been keeping well for the entire summer too. But now I am better and hopeful of the approaching winter. Taken to my old fond habit of reading books and blogs. Travel plans are on the cards. And most importantly, resumed writing and I promise you I shall be back with a post soon. Till then, have a great weekend ahead! And nice talking to you after a long time :) 

Essential Living

Someday you will understand my denial
Someday you will realize the abyss of my silence
Someday you will be at ease with my whims
Someday you might just feel my absence

Someday you will miss the togetherness
Someday you will long for my emotion
Someday you will pine for true love
Someday you might just be an option

You never travelled the path of my pain
You could not choose yours on your own
I wrote my fate, painted my future
Bearing the fruits of the seeds I had sown

Reasons never matter, times do
Life, people say is never without ado
I laugh at my innocence, risen much above
Learnt for sure, life's not just about hurt or love!

Amitie

4:15 am. Mumbai. 16th March '13.

I always make it a point to make memories - good ones, when I am about to leave a place. Mumbai being my favourite, 15th had to be special and it was. I had spent it with people who had made Mumbai worthwhile for me. But that moment when I left my room, my hostel and finally my campus - I was speechless. The journey right from the steps of my hostel till my flight took off had flashes of everything - right from day one at SP till then and with no one else but with the person who was accompanying me to see off. As we sat there in the taxi, neither of us dared to break the vow of silence between us. On any normal day, we had so much to talk about, fight upon or share with. But these 20 - 25 minutes was different. There was no need to say anything. Everything stood understood. I have always found it extremely difficult to bid bye but this time, it was tough to escape it with him being adamant enough to see me off.  He was the one person who had been with me during the best of my times, worst of it and of course all the times in between in the past two years. He knew the part of me which I myself knew not of. He had made me realize that it was okay to be imperfect. He was the guy I could rely on - any time, anywhere and on anything. He came with a lot of imperfections but probably that's why we were so good together because I was the same too. I have always believed that four to five people make a real difference to your lives in a single life span in the relationship called friendship. I wasn't sure if I have had my plate full as yet but he definitely had made it to the list.

Memories are strange. No matter the form they are, they make you cry. But we seemed to have a pact against it that day. We had reached the airport by then. Time seemed to fly but there was no point in expecting it to delay either. Our college lives had come to an end and we had to accept it. But it was painful. I accept it.I have had so many memories etched with this place and the people in it that it was tough for me to let it go. I hugged him for the first time on the last day of our journey together. And then I went ahead without looking back. I was too weak to see his face. I checked in and moved towards security. I got a call from him. He was in tears. And he was talking. I had nothing to say but for the tears. He talked incessantly of the times we spent together, the friendship we lived and the phase of our life which we would never get back. He talked about everything which I already knew but never felt the necessity to let him know. I was listening to him and I felt he should keep talking because I didn't have the strength to do so. It was the toughest stretch of walk that I had ever walked. But I didn't want to hang up. I wanted to listen to him.

Unfortunately the pilot was in no mood to entertain our sentiment. We were ready for take off and I finally had to intervene in the monologue saying that I was leaving. As I hung up the phone, I burst into tears with no regards for what the people around me thought of.The farther I went from him, that city and all the people in it - the closer I was getting to its memories. It wasn't easy but I let myself open to all the hurt and pain because sometimes it feels right to suffer for the right reasons. And there can never be any reason as worthy as that of friendship, especially the ones we live for!

Carpe Diem!

Sealed Lips

I used to believe that words have the greatest power but with time I have come to realize that silence has its own way of being understood too. There is a disclaimer attached to it though - either the person you are speaking to doesn't matter at all or matters to you the most.

Personally, I have preferred to stay silent in some important conversations of my life. While I have always contemplated if I should have voiced my opinion then, the conviction that its outcome was supposedly better than what could have happened has always stopped me from speaking. 

Silence lets us handle the uncertainties in our lives. It lets the other person commit mistakes and understand the situation better. It lets circumstances speak for themselves. It has its own beauty of showing our disagreement too. But most importantly it also stands for acquiescence. Every single permutation and combination of it simply depends on the person it is targeted at. Either he understands it or doesn't but the purpose is not always served.

The probability of being misunderstood is the greatest liability of staying silent. 

But we still practice it. 

The fact that we have multiple choices in our lives and we are so unsure of choosing the supposedly right alternative that we resort to the one having multiple interpretations is the only logical explanation for our sealed lips.

Pixelated Life!

For some unknown reasons, I was in an euphoric mood today evening which got me to tune into some of the finest songs on my playlist and think about me! Well, I used to do it pretty religiously earlier until this madness called MBA happened to me. But its over and I am glad it is. Though it doesn't go onto say that I did not love the past two years but I missed a part of me which I am actually fond of.

I was trying to remotely understand myself this evening. Not that I was successful at it but yeah I could figure out a few things for myself. I realized that despite trying to be the Miranda of 'The Tempest' fame, I had failed at it miserably. I was far more flawed than I thought myself to be. Most of the times, I had settled down for something else than what I wanted. I am far far away from the things I had once listed as priorities in my notebook. Yes, I did have a notebook in which I had my entire life planned out leaving nothing to fate. Such was my arrogance! But today when I look back, I don't exactly regret too much. Rather I feel its a syndrome which most of us have and which I believe is the single most reason behind feeling depressed. I don't want to continue with it.

We tend to hype our lives for no apparent reason. We try to either live someone else's dreams or ours. It doesn't matter which is better. Either case, the probability of it failing makes us feel miserable. The fundamental flaw in balancing our needs and wants or duties and dreams lead to us to delusion. In my reckoning, you can view life from three aspects - over analyze it, analyze it or just explore it. This in turn stands true for our past, present or future respectively. I am not the right one to comment which view is better but I believe while we are busy doing this, our life's happening to us. 

I tried playing safe with my life for a long time because I wanted to satisfy my self-conceit. But it wasn't worth it. I did not end up where I wanted to. But in the past few years I have done a few things which even though I would never like to share with my kids, I still am glad I did it. Not because I am particularly proud of everything but because I know the feeling of being up there and knowing for myself the different shades of me. I do not hold onto a lot of things and I have been gifted with the trait of never looking back if I decide it to be but these experiments have actually gone a long way to refine me and my sensibility.

I still have a little bit of my life planned out yet again but this time I am open to the fact that I might lose again. But I am up for it. I want to experience the side that I deserve and don't just desire. Isn't this the difference between people who supposedly succeed in their lives and people who don't? I know that despite everything, hell won't break loose and I will still move on in my life. Don't judge me low on my confidence for this. But I want to stop having an idiosyncratic life and enjoy living an unpredictable one. I wish to harbour a sentiment that can accept my failures, my mistakes, my success, my experiments and my actions alike and lead me to an end of this single lifetime in the most ceremonious way ever. And I expect myself to stop kicking the football with the goal post in mind every single time.

Stones and Gravel

I looked at the newspaper as if I was seeing myself in it. Its true that I always dreamt of being there but unfortunately it wasn't me today. It was my shadow there. Someone who knew me more than myself. Someone who didn't need to be familiar or an effort to be recognized even after a thousand years of loneliness. 

"Isn't he from your batch? Did you guys know each other?" - asked Rishi.

I fumbled while answering but managed with a " Yeah. He used to be with us but apart from a few hi-byes, we hardly talked. He used to be the loner kinds..you know..."

"Hmm. I have been following his career for some time now and to tell you the truth, I am impressed with him.   Shikha, you should have also pursued your career. You would have done good to yourself. I have seen that potential in you."

I smiled and said " I am fine with where I am. You are there na."

Rishi smiled back and kissed me on my forehead saying " I still feel you were not meant for this. But I love you for what you are. And nothing else matters to me." He folded the newspaper and went to take his shower. I went ahead to get Adi and Jenny ready for school.

Rishi and I have been married for the past 15 years. Its been a successful marriage, if I might have to rate it. We get along well and apart from a few occasional misunderstandings, we were considered an ideal couple. I gave up my career after Jenny was born. Adi was 3 years then and I felt that my family needed me more than my job. I was not doing that great at it either. I was average and I had lost my interest in it too. Since then, my world had been Rishi, Adi and Jenny. I saw my happiness, success, failure and even my life in them. They loved me and this sufficed. There were times when I had felt extremely lonely and lost but I always knew that this was the life I had chosen for myself, out of my volition. I had forgotten who I used to be, my past and my own dreams in this quest for a happy present. And probably I never wanted to look back.

But today, I was compelled to walk down the aisle of my past. After Rishi and the kids left, I rushed back to look at that face in the paper. I had longed for this moment since morning. I wanted my private moment with this face. I had been secretly following his career and life too. But this particular coverage in the newspaper was something different. It was not just his dream, but mine too, to see him there.

The last time I had seen Abhinn was one week prior to my marriage. I was leaving for my home the next day. He was ideally supposed to meet me at my marriage but that night he surprised me by showing himself suddenly. He was standing there at my door without any luggage. Obviously it was the impulsive part of him!! Two years had brought us so close that we knew we had our share of best friendship and desired for no more. Not just our waking hours but our lives were also in sync with each other. We were both ambitious, fun loving and lived our life to the maximum. With him by my side, I never really cared about what others thought about us and neither did he. After those two blissful years, we had to separate to pursue our careers in different cities. But we were still in touch and nothing seemed to change. In fact the distance brought us more closer emotionally. I was doing good at my job but Abhinn wasn't satisfied with his. He wanted to do something bigger and better. We both motivated each other and despite a hard day at work, we always used to find solace when we talked to each other at the end of the day. Abhinn had a huge friend circle but he always managed to find time for me. We had never realized that it was more than friendship but we did manage to sign a bond agreeing that we would marry each other if we never got anyone as awesome as us in our lives. Marriage, traditions or the rest of the world didn't matter to us. We were so satisfied in our present that we never looked back or beyond.

After about two years of being in job, I was engaged to Rishi after a brief courtship period. Abhinn had helped me a lot in overcoming the entire episode of being cold feet about it. He had never met him though and for some reason, I never felt like talking about him to Rishi. I felt Abhinn was that part of my life which was only and only mine and I strived to guard it closely always. But my time was divided now. Initially Abhinn seemed to understand it but later, he seemed to get upset about it. He didn't say anything about it but I knew him. I just hoped time would better it and later he would also have someone in his life to share his life with. Things had begun to change between us. I was trying to follow the rules of being in a relationship with someone. Rishi was a great guy. He was understanding and loved me and most importantly he was the choice of my whole family. I tried to give the best of me to him and our relationship. The more I was getting closer to Rishi, the farther I was going from Abhinn. No matter how hard I tried in ignoring it, this fact was bothering me from inside. I missed my time with Abhinn. I missed my life with him and most importantly I missed him. Abhinn had got so busy in his life and career that I didn't bother him with the complexities of my mind then. It was almost 10 days that we hadn't talked to each other on phone except for a few occasional messages. I knew how serious he was about his career and so I accepted the hiatus. But that day his presence at my door steps was comforting and shocking at the same time. Even though I had wanted to see him so bad but somewhere deep down inside I knew why he was there. I ran and hugged him. He was busy but in figuring out his life and its direction all this while.

While sipping our late night coffee at Costa, we looked at each other with a passionate intent. Both of us did not speak a single word. The earlier fun had given way to a maturity so strange and unfamiliar that we wanted it to stop then and there. I had never seen him this way. I was attracted to him like never before. Somehow I knew I was meeting him for the last time this way. Things were bound to change after this. I wanted time to move no further.We sat still.It was time for the cafe to be closed and we had to return back to my flat. On our way back, Abhinn was weirdly silent and I did not dare break it. It was too late at night for him to go anywhere and so I broke the silence by asking him to come inside. He agreed and came inside my room. I asked him if he wanted something. He denied. He kept looking at me and finally asked

                                           "Do you still think we are just friends?"

I had no answer to this. I obviously knew it but I was a coward to accept the truth. Abhinn would never be accepted in my family. He was born to a Christian father and Hindu mother. Even though I knew deep down inside that he was the best for me, I did not have the courage to leave everything behind and never look back. I knew I would be the happiest with him and anyone else would just be a replacement for him, but not him. But all's in the time and the guts to follow your heart.

          I had tears in my eyes when I replied " I can't do it even though I want to do it. I am sorry."

He smiled and took me in his arms. I hugged him like never before and we both kept holding onto each other  in a bid to refute the time which was ahead of us. Before long, I could feel his lips on mine and I kissed him back with a stronger passion. I wanted more of him and the more closer we got, we knew how perfect we were for each other. That night was the last time I lived the actual "me". As I lied next to him on bed, I could sense the depth of his love. I realized how madly we were in love and I didn't just want to let go of him. I wished I could be with him forever. I wished a lot of things but I knew that I didn't deserve any of it. 

I woke up alone. He was gone and gone with him was that part of me which once upon a time defined me. It was time for me to head home to embark on a life I was not so happy to embark upon. He left no tangible memory of him but for a small post-it with the words "A part of you will always be with me." I burst into tears when I realized how I had lost him forever. I cried out loud but there was no one by my side. I had never felt this lonely before. I tried reaching on his cell but he had made up his mind never ever to look back. He was gone and as I went ahead with the life I had chosen for myself, he went farther and farther. He never married but I always kept wondering the other side of the coin which never won in the toss. Somehow I felt both of our lives were in similar boats but with different sailors. He chose to steer his and I outsourced mine.

My thoughts were disturbed by the ringer of my cell. It was Rishi. I answered.

" Sweetheart, whats up? Thinking of me? Missing me?"

After a brief pause, I answered "Yes. Of course."